SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Before pitting wits against the global threat of ISIS, President-elect Trump has a bigger enemy to conquer: the Drama Club. Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.), Trump’s vice presidential pick, was attending the popular show Hamilton on Friday when he was accosted by the rabid cast of deviants during the curtain call. The mob of LGBT, minority, female and possibly immigrant actors unleashed a fiery message tinged with fear and loathing. A shaken Pence attempted to appear strong throughout the haranguing, but Trump took to social media to defend his running mate -- and American values overall. Trump denounced the so-called “dressing room talk” as dangerous hate speech. Sources close to Pence say he is recovering at home, surrounded by loved ones.
Benghazi on BroadwaySoon after receiving reports that his vice president had come under fire, Trump leveraged his considerable might on Twitter to shame and condemn the vicious actions of the theater troupe.
“Stop it,” one post read. “This should not happen,” followed another.
“The Theater must always be a safe and special place. The cast of Hamilton was very rude last night to a very good man, Mike Pence. Apologize!” a final tweet demanded.
The incoming commander-in-chief made an excellent observation. The theater should be a safe and special place, but historically that has not been the case. For decades, the insidious counter-culture of America’s periphery has found its refuge -- and its hateful voice -- in the arts, particularly theater.
The stage has given perilous ideologies a safe haven and a soapbox for free expression. Too often, the themes of musical theater and plays exult in promoting insurgencies of fringe sects bent on wresting control away from the nation’s rightful rulers. The arts have declared war on decency, waged by women, people of color and the LGBT community, as Stephen Bannon noted.
“Let’s not forget that Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican president ever, was assassinated in a theater while watching a play,” Trump said. “Killed by an actor. A man of dangerous ideals. A sympathizer of America’s enemy during the bloody wars of the 1800s. Our greatest leader was gunned down by a filthy Alec Baldwin type because he didn’t agree with the administration’s policies. Also remember that John Wilkes Booth was the son of immigrants from England -- our first enemies. We can’t let history repeat itself.”
Representatives for Pence described the fraught curtain call as “Benghazi on Broadway.” They explained that Pence was already confused by the show, which delved less into the political career of Alexander Hamilton as the founder of the Treasury and more into surreal fantasies of immigration, mixed-race parentage, opposition to legal slavery and gunfights -- much of it told by “obviously gay and lesbian thespians.”
“It must have been a horrifying ordeal for Gov. Pence,” said Faylene Baylee, an aide who accompanied Pence to the show. “He was trapped in a room teeming with diversity, helpless to extricate himself or prevent the destruction he could see looming before him. He was held hostage in that place, which was supposed to a sanctuary in a troubled land, and finally ambushed. No one came to help. I believe at that moment he knew exactly how our fallen heroes felt during the siege of Benghazi -- another act of terrorism where no help was sent. But, you know, a little scuffle breaks out in a gay nightclub, and it’s all hands on deck.”
Trump Denounces Dressing Room Hate SpeechWhen members of the Electoral College installed Trump as president, they were placing their hopes in a tough-guy leader who could restore America’s waning sovereignty in an unstable world.
“This is why Mitt Romney never stood a chance at the office,” one elector said on condition of anonymity. He referenced Romney’s 2012 confession of being intimidated by a gay schoolmate with an unconventional hairdo.
Much ado was made about Romney bullying some kid in school. Honestly, I think that’s exactly the way he wants to paint it. Let’s look at the facts. Preppy, man-hungry Mitt is walking around campus checking out the new boys. He finds one with, and I quote, “bleached-blond hair that draped over one eye.” So Mitt tells one of his buddies, “He can’t look like that,” before tackling the boy and clipping off his hair with scissors. You were antagonized by a bad hairstyle? And it upset you so much that you slapped the kid down and redid his hair with a pair of shears you were already carrying around in your pocket? The whole “angry hairdresser” idiom is about as gay as it gets.
Unlike Romney and his poncy hairdresser reaction, Trump will not be bullied or so easily frightened by LGBT combatants.
“Rock and roll is not the devil’s music,” Trump quipped to a reporter who happened to find the president-elect skulking around New York’s Core Club to avoid the press. “And I now realize that slow jazz isn’t either. It’s musical theater. Showtunes are Satan’s jam.”
Trump vowed to punish the actors engaged in the hate speech against Pence, with Brandon Victor Dixon as the first suspect. Toward the close of Hamilton on Friday, Dixon addressed Pence directly, telling the vice president-elect that he and his fellow insurgents “are diverse Americans who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us.”
Some of Trump’s detractors questioned the severity or insensitivity of Dixon’s speech. Many felt that the actor had expressed legitimate concerns in a professional, civil manner. Trump disagreed.
“That guy said America would not protect its people,” Trump stated. “Straight out of an al Qaeda video, it what that was. Same threat. Sure it sounds all smart and slick and polished. Very polished. Very slick. And that’s part of the insult. I was elected to represent the interests of real middle Americans. These pompous, elitist actors were on stage using big words and flaunting their education. They were purposely trying to confuse and embarrass real people. Just like bin Laden. All those videos he released were well-scripted, well-rehearsed and well-acted. It’s the same thing. And like Osama bin Laden, Dixon and his cohorts need to face justice.”
Trump fell short of describing the precise legal remedies he had planned.
“As a wartime president, because we’re locked in this endless war on terror, I will seek wartime punishments,” Trump explained. “Normally, you go the Lynndie England route with these types. I don’t think that will work here. With fundamentalist Muslims, you break them through sexual humiliation and perverse acts of bondage, public nudity, defilement and sadomasochism. But those are all things sodomites do recreationally. What a Muslim terrorist calls Hell, these gay actors call Tuesday.”
Fortunately, Trump noted, the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA) will likely pass both chambers of Congress. The bill aims to protect decent Americans from suffering the treasonous vitriol of gays, lesbians and non-Christians.
Trump also warned that the pro-immigration subtext of Hamilton should serve as a cautionary tale rather than an endorsement.
“Imagine if our ancestors came to a foreign land as undocumented aliens, an invading force if you will, and took advantage of the hospitality of the natives, then butchered them. Thanksgiving is coming up, and we should remind ourselves to be grateful for the security we have, which comes from repelling hostile immigrants.”
The Hamilton Horror: Broadway Casts Worse than ISISTrump emphasized that he considers Dixon and people like him “worse than ISIS.” Trump mentioned that since winning the election, he has witnessed an unprecedented level of inactivity among members of the Islamic terror group.
“They’re just sitting back right now,” he said. “Very strange. Like they’re waiting for their favorite TV show to start.”
Meanwhile, dangerous domestic fringe forces and cults are using Trump’s loss in the popular vote as a springboard for indoctrinating dejected Americans into their fold.
“We can’t let these people win,” Trump asserted. “Hamilton the show is about as traitorous as Rent or Cabaret or La Cage aux Folles or The Color Purple. They took this American founder, a guy on the two-dollar bill [sic] and tried to make him look as queer as a three-dollar bill. It’s all this garbage about immigration and how great it is and how diversity helps our country. That’s brainwashing, people, made more tolerable by pretty singing.”
“Instead of Hamilton, we should be staging productions of Zootopia,” he added.
In the animated Disney feature, animals live in an inclusive and egalitarian society. However, seemingly peaceful animals, such as lambs and oxen, rise up to seize power by framing natural predators for their crimes. They inject the predatory creatures with a poison that makes them aggressive, reverting them back to their original feral states. The predators are eventually revealed as innocent victims. The film concludes with the message that predators are the real minorities and must be given a chance.
“The people on that stage attacking Pence were not the minorities, they were not the prey of privileged society,” Trump stressed. “They were those vicious sheep in Zootopia. The real minorities are the predators, and we’re not being treated fairly.”
(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.