Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trump Accuses Stores Closed on Thanksgiving of Treason


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

Thanksgiving: Making Retail Great Again

Donald Trump, poised to become the greatest jobs producing president in the sight of the Almighty, praised committed Americans who camp out on Thanksgiving evening to take advantage of sales events instead of stuffing their faces with turkey or watching sports on television.

“These are patriots who embody the true spirit of the holiday by strengthening the economy, which assures the restoration of America’s might,” Geldhaben said. “You look at places like Target and Walmart, and you see concerned business people who are sacrificing themselves to save the country from ruin. Then you look at snooty retailers like Nordstrom, Sur La Table, Neiman Marcus, Lowe’s and Costco, and you know these are traitorous monsters who want to see America -- and American workers -- fail. They are the Benedict Arnolds of Business.”

Those organizations are already being entered into the Chamber of Commerce’s forthcoming list of worst companies in the United States -- businesses that consistently shun the true spirit of bottom-line capitalism. To make the prestigious list, companies must demonstrate their failures to seize opportunities to cut corners, reduce overhead, eliminate employer-sponsored benefits and perks, replace full-time workers with temps or automation, and outsource jobs to foreign nations with cheap labor pools and abysmal records of human rights.

Black Friday, despite its injection of revenues into the hobbled economy, presents limited options for patriotic consumers. Merchants who have expressed greater urgency in repairing the nation have extended the celebration of America’s free market by an additional day.

“The Friday following Thanksgiving is perhaps the most important holiday in the United States,” Trump told reporters. “It strengthens the markets and allows you to show gratitude to loved ones by purchasing cars and lingerie and electronics and other material things -- the only way to genuinely convince someone that you care about them. It also creates jobs. Millions of workers have an extra day to stuff their wallets. And think of all the police and paramedics. Instead of worrying about paying rent, they get another day’s wages for suppressing riots and carting off the corpses of trampled shoppers.”

Punishing the Benedict Arnolds of Business

This Thursday, Trump is upping the ante. Any traitorous businesses that restrict their employees’ earning potential by giving them Thanksgiving off will be prosecuted for treason. Trump officials have already accused several of America’s large chains of un-American activities for their refusal to open on the holiday, essentially shirking their obligations to champion the values of free market enterprise that define the morality and might of the nation. Many Republican lawmakers, now in control of both chambers of Congress, have considered abandoning their own Thanksgiving celebrations to focus on bringing these miscreants to justice.

“We’ve got more than a few big name companies with equally big chips on their shoulders,” explained Geldhaben. “The role of business is to keep growing, to keep making money, by any legal means necessary. Places that keep their doors closed tomorrow evening should be branded in effigy; they’re monuments to shame and anti-American values. Worse yet, they’re denying their employees the opportunity to gain extra money by refusing to force them to work the holiday -- money that could have gone to Christmas shopping. Patriotic stores open mere moments after Thanksgiving dinner so their employees have the benefit of traditional celebrations with loved ones, followed by a fat paycheck for performing the vital services that define their lives.”

Geldhaben further praised House and Senate Republicans who will take up the case during the holiday, instead of enjoying a long-deserved recess.

“If our nation’s legislators are willing to drop everything and do their jobs after Thanksgiving dinner, why can’t some of these fat-cat corporate leaders -- people who’ve profited off the backs of the American consumer?” Geldhaben asked. “It’s a real tragedy. I always find it strange that these same businesses end up on Fortune’s ‘Best Companies to Work For’ list.”

Traditionally, many stores offer once-a-year deals to shoppers on Black Friday. But in recent years, companies have pushed their hours into Thanksgiving Day. Major retailers like Walmart, Target, Best Buy and Toys R Us open as early as 5:00 p.m.. on Thanksgiving Day.

Kmart, by far the most loyal American retailer, stunned investors with its decision to open from 6:00 a.m. to midnight on Thursday. Trump, teary eyed, said he would consider awarding Kmart the Presidential Medal of Freedom -- which he promised to tear from the mannish lapels of Ellen DeGeneres as soon as he takes office.

“These heroes, lauded and recognized by the Chamber, deserve our praise and respect,” Trump stressed. “But commie traitors such as Costco, Home Depot, TJ Max, Marshalls, Ross, Nordstrom and some hick outfit called Dillard’s should be tried for treason and shot on the White House lawn.”

The stores cited by Trump and Geldhaben have refused to open on Thanksgiving, denying employees the right to increase their earnings while robbing consumers of unprecedented annual discounts.

“It’s not simply a crime against the U.S. economy, it’s a crime against humanity,” Geldhaben added. “However people give thanks -- feasting, watching sports or celebrating exceptionalism and revisionist history -- we can’t truly express gratitude for our prosperity, freedom and well-being without panicked, violent acts of desperate consumerism.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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