Monday, November 14, 2016

Trump Honors Veterans by Promising to Create Millions More


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, November 11, the Unites States celebrated Veterans Day, a tribute to millions of men and women who have donned a uniform to uphold the nation’s defense. Conspicuously absent from the festivities, however, was President Elect Donald Trump. The soon-to-be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military did not attend a single Veterans Day event, according to multiple sources. He instead spent the long weekend scrambling to fill critical cabinet positions with alt-right propagandists, nativists, white supremacists and anti-Semites. Realizing the oversight, Trump’s aides posted a belated thank you message to members of the Armed Services on Twitter. Trump personally addressed the issue on Monday morning when he expressed his gratitude for our veterans by promising to “create millions more.”

Veterans Day and the New America

Trump’s silence during the commemorations that stretched across the country was deemed ironic by many supporters. In addition to frightened bigots and self-hating women, Trump’s campaign catered heavily to the pre-9/11 veteran population, with most of his employment policies benefiting only former military personnel -- those now integrating to the civilian workforce.

In paying homage to the nation’s troops on Monday, Trump explained that his lack of presence was not intended as a snub. He reiterated his admiration and support for America’s fighting force, with the following exceptions: prisoners of war like John McCain and soldiers killed in combat, neither of whom legitimately fulfilled their duties; Muslims, even those with Gold Star status; anyone with ties to “rebels on the wrong side of the Alamo” conflict; Hawaiians, for allowing the Pearl Harbor attacks; surviving members or relatives of the Tuskegee Airmen; Vietnam-era liberals in command of Swift Boats; women; LGBT members of the Armed Services, particularly the “askers and tellers”; “thin-skinned p***ies” returning home with PTSD; Veterans Against Trump; women again; and all sitting U.S. generals, who have demonstrated “an embarrassing and appalling” lack of knowledge about ISIS or anti-terrorism strategies in comparison to the hotelier.

Trump Pledges to Create Millions of New Veterans

Calling an impromptu press conference early Monday morning, Donald Trump recognized the contributions of America’s veterans, and commended their service.

“America’s veterans are the glue that holds this nation together,” he said. “Right behind realtors, casinos, banks and oil companies. Under my charge, they will never be forsaken or abandoned. My foreign policy strategy relies exclusively on the military. A huge military. Like, bigger than North Korea’s. More enlisted men than civilians, is what I mean. We’re ramping up. We’re taking over. I plan on going into Syria, China, North Korea, Mexico, Canada and the whole of the Middle East within the next four years.”

“These efforts demand an expansion of the military by 1,000 percent,” Trump added. “I said I would be the greatest jobs creator God has ever seen, and I meant it. Our initiatives will open up jobs for every American in all branches of the service. I not only commit to taking care of our veterans, I plan on creating millions more.”

Trump admitted that the pressing need to install new officials into his cabinet had sidetracked him from Veterans Day memorials. Securing Stephen Bannon as his chief adviser was crucial, he explained.

Bannon is a severe nationalist and executive chairman of Breitbart News. Some supporters applauded Trump’s courtship of Bannon, telling political progressives that the selection highlights Trump’s devotion to the arts. Many believe Bannon’s appointment represents Trump’s lifelong commitment to honoring the tarnished legacy of film pioneer Leni Riefenstahl. The Evening Transcript’s Michael Livingston points out, perhaps more accurately, that Bannon was the inspiration for Dr. Faulkner in Bio-Dome, as portrayed by William Atherton.

It should also be mentioned that Atherton’s role as an evil EPA officer in the original Ghostbusters ranks as a favorite among Bannon and Trump fans. The character poignantly depicts the extraordinary devastation that government regulations can wreak on aspiring business enterprises.

With Bannon’s fiery views and staunch advocacy for insulating American values from foreign influence, his counsel will likely fuel Trump’s aggressive plans to secure U.S. borders and mobilize peacekeeping forces to volatile areas abroad.

“Steve pointed out to me yesterday the importance of conscription and an oversized military,” Trump said. “Great leaders from the Greatest Generation, guys like me who were unconventional and outside the establishment, led their countries to near world domination. They did that by expanding their militaries and giving more people the opportunity to serve. In places like Germany and Italy, where the economy was tanking, this drove job creation, wealth, new innovations, a return to the purity of national values, immigration control and security. That’s what we’re doing here.”

Following in the example of these past leaders, Trump announced plans for compulsory military service. He also proposed the development of a youth services organization to supplement eroding ROTC programs. The paramilitary group was initially called Trump Tyke Troopers. Bannon has since amended the name to Trump Troopers, arguing that “tyke” sounded too close to “dyke.”

Trump has already drafted orders to begin a series of incursions into North Korea and China as early as February 2017.

“Thousands of lives may be lost,” he confessed. “That’s the price of freedom. Freedom isn’t free. It’s just not free to be free. But it’s a great thing, a really terrific thing, to sacrifice for one’s country. The plus side is that every vacancy leads to a new job opening -- a new opportunity for another American to work and serve.”

To accelerate the augmentation of the military, while working to privatize it for tax-cutting purposes, Trump is expected to name the Michigan Militia as the primary branch of the Armed Services. Its members have already been combat trained and tested on local dissidents. Michigan also played an instrumental role in Trump’s surprise victory over Clinton.

“We’re going to be very busy, very busy,” Trump remarked. “Taking back the world is going to be a big task, and it’s going to mean a lot of work, but also a lot of opportunity. I’m expecting to generate millions of jobs. Millions of veterans in the coming years. They tell me the best defense is a good offense. And I plan on doing a lot of offensive things very soon.”

(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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