Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- At the end of October, then presidential candidate Donald Trump delivered his own Gettsyburg Address to supporters during a rally in Pennsylvania. Now president elect, Trump has revised the 100-day plan to clearly illustrate the dramatic, and at times surreal, changes he intends to deliver to a nation he has often criticized. In some ways, Trump has already done more in 48 hours to realize his executive vision than any past president. Trump derided America as corrupt, economically frail, ignorant and an embarrassment to powers abroad. Since his victory over Clinton, markets have collapsed, a corrupt businessman has seized control of the United States, the ignorant have triumphed and world leaders have condemned the once great democracy as a foolish comedy of errors. Through Trump’s aggressive leadership, things have actually become as horrible as he predicted. So what does Donald Trump have in store for the first 100 days of
100-Day Plan to Make America Pure AgainWhat follows is my 100-day action plan to Make America Pure Again. Now that I’ve been elected president and fought the rigged political process, America’s already great again. Now, it’s time to focus on purity. This is a contract between myself and the American voter — and begins with restoring honesty, accountability, and change to Washington.
Therefore, on the first day of my term of office, my administration will immediately pursue the following measures to clean up the corruption and special interest collusion in Washington, DC:
* FIRST, propose a Constitutional Amendment to impose term limits on all members of Congress, while eliminating term limits on the station of the President of the United States, who shall rule as long as the Electoral College allows;
* SECOND, terminating all federal employees to reduce federal workforce through attrition (to be replaced by private militia, security guards, pay-per-blaze firefighters, construction contractors, and private healthcare providers);
* THIRD, a requirement that for every new federal regulation, five existing regulations of the president’s choosing must be eliminated (for example, introducing a measure to raise the federal minimum wage means getting rid of Obamacare, public education, gay marriage, Amendments 13 through 19, and all Planned Parenthood facilities);
* FOURTH, a five-year ban on White House and Congressional officials becoming lobbyists after they leave government service, with private corporate executives immediately installed into those positions, chosen by the president;
* FIFTH, a lifetime ban on White House officials lobbying on behalf of a foreign government, excluding Russia;
* SIXTH, a complete ban on foreign lobbyists (e.g., Muslims, inner-city blacks, Mexicans, Chinamen, and women) raising money for American elections;
*SEVENTH, call Emmanuel Lewis from TV’s Webster and convince him that I’m saying “Big League,” not “bigly.” Why does a black midget have such yuuuge influence over the English language?
*EIGHTH, outlaw Chicago deep-dish pizza;
*NINTH, restore states’ rights and encourage those states, you know who you are, to take advantage of 13th Amendment loopholes;
*TENTH, follow Germany’s example of removing socialist restrictions on personal choice by repealing incest laws. This, followed by an executive order introducing the Woody Allen Act (or Woody Act, for short). Divorce Melania, take Ivanka out for a nice dinner at this place Cosby recommended;
*ELEVENTH, deport Alec Baldwin, that Amityville Whore, back to Ireland. F**k Alec Baldwin;
*TWELFTH, [insert personal request from Chris Christie here, probably replacing all Starbucks with Dunkin Donuts];
*THIRTEENTH, make time to give Rudy Giuliani the foot massage I promised him;
*FOURTEENTH, contract new White House plumbers who can stomach cleaning out Christie’s upper-deckers from the Lincoln Room commode;
*FIFTEENTH, schedule an appointment for Barron to see Michael J. Fox’s doctor -- all that twitching and spastic shuddering during my acceptance speech has me worried … and a little pissed off that this anchor baby distracted the audience from me;
*SIXTEENTH, must remember to confirm Putin’s request for reservations and gift certificates to Comet Ping Pong pizza, whatever the hell that is;
*SEVENTEENTH, send that Statue of Liberty abomination back to the Frenchies and have Detroit steelworkers erect a real monument to America -- male, white, surrounded by gorgeous Viking babes, grabbing their p***ies.
On the same day, I will begin taking the following actions to protect American workers:
* FIRST, I will announce my intention to renegotiate NLRB and FLSA or withdraw from existing New Deal programs, which aren’t new or even deals anymore;
* SECOND, I will announce the closure of the Department of Labor and OSHA, whose rules are preventing American workers from operating freely;
* THIRD, I will direct my Secretary of the Treasury to label China a currency manipulator and draw filthy pictures of Xi Jinping with a stringy Fu Manchu moustache and put the images on targets at shooting ranges, which soon will be replacing community parks, union halls, OB GYN offices, and school auditoriums;
* FOURTH, I will direct the Secretary of Commerce and U.S. Trade Representative to identify all foreign trading abuses that unfairly impact American workers, and direct them to use every tool under American and international law to end those abuses immediately; basically, let’s replace every Taco Bell and Dim sum joint with a McDonald’s, is what I’m saying;
* FIFTH, I will lift the restrictions on the production of $50 trillion dollars’ worth of job-producing American energy reserves, including shale, oil, natural gas and clean coal. Forget the 8.1 million jobs and $125 million in revenues alternative energy created last year. That’s kiddie s**t. If those hippies like working with clean fuel so much, they can buy a Prius and drive for Uber;
* SIXTH, cancel billions in payments to U.N. climate change programs and use the money to fix America’s water and environmental infrastructure; global warming is a bogus hoax with no science behind it, just like evolution and most women’s rape accusations. We need clean water. Look at Flint, Michigan. I have some incredibly close friends at Nestle. I’m sure I can work a deal to replace the nation’s nasty ass water with ample supplies of Arrowhead, Ice Mountain, and Perrier bottled water -- at a discounted rate.
Additionally, on the first day, I will take the following five actions to restore security and the constitutional rule of law:
* FIRST, erase every executive action, memorandum, photograph, speech, policy, act, order, and memory of Barack Obama from the records of history;
* SECOND, begin the process of selecting a replacement for Justice Scalia from one of the 20 Miss America panelists on my list, who will uphold and defend the aesthetic and paternalistic principles of United States, Inc.;
* THIRD, cancel all federal funding to Sanctuary. I’ve seen Logan’s Run, the place doesn’t exist. And don’t you damn escape the fortified border walls we’re building to find out;
* FOURTH, begin removing the more than 2 million brown people from the country and cancel visas to the countries who won’t take their criminals back. Revert Australia to a penal colony, if necessary;
* FIFTH, suspend immigration from terror-prone regions abroad and domestic (California, Washington, Colorado, Oregon, Maine). All vetting of people coming into our country will be considered extreme -- enhanced interrogation, you could say;
Next, I will work with Congress to introduce the following broader legislative measures and fight for their passage within the first 100 days of my Administration:
Middle Class Tax Relief And Simplification Act. A middle-class family with 2 white, natural born children will get a 35-percent tax cut. The current number of brackets will be reduced from 7 to 3, mostly to eliminate immigrants, welfare recipients, sluts on WIC, and the other rabble. The business rate will be lowered from 35 to 15 percent. How can we pay for all the cuts, you ask? We can print our own money, duh. How has no president before realized this? When funds run dry from the lack of taxes, we’ll make more money and stick it back into circulation. Problem solved.
End The Offshoring Act. Establishes tariffs to discourage consumers from traveling to foreign countries and buying food, gifts, clothes, baubles, whatever. Will lift restrictions on what Americans can bring aboard airlines. You’re going to need lots of sack lunches, Nestle water, and other domestic goods to make it two weeks in Cancun or Paris, people.
American Energy & Infrastructure Act. Get rid of solar and wind power. Period. The sun doesn’t shine all day, folks, and wind is dirty. You ever see the mess after a gale? Your three swimming pools, atrium, and Rolls Royce are covered in leaves and debris. Let’s restore the grandeur of coal and gas, giant smokestacks farting billowing profits into the heavens. While we’re at it, we should explore real renewable energy sources like whale oil. Create a bunch of new jobs. Maybe even steal some from the Japs. Yeah, I’m launching that one on December 7. Suck my Moby Dick, Shinzō.
School Choice and Education Opportunity Act. Redirects education dollars to a planned national expansion of Trump Universities, the exclusive educational institutions of America, Inc. These facilities will include Trump Toddlers, Trump Teens, Trump Trade (real estate major), and Trump Triumph of the Troubled, a sort of “Hope High” for losers and low-income
Repeal and Replace Obamacare Act. ‘Nuff said. Healthcare must remain a pay-to-play model. If you’re dying of lung cancer, that means you had enough money to buy cigarettes. You wasted that money destroying your health instead of preserving it. Why should taxpayers bail you out? No, we need to structure healthcare like credit cards. I propose a health card with fixed limits, based on creditworthiness. I’ve already discussed this concept with Discover Bank, a major lending institution. The bank is fully behind the idea. We’re tentatively branding the cards “Recover.” As your debt score improves, your available credit ceiling rises. If people have emergencies, they can put the cost of medical services on their Recover cards and pay them off at nominal interest rates over time. This process ensures that Americans receive medical attention while the care providers continue to make money off the interest. This keeps hospitals operating.
End Illegal Immigration Act. Fully funds the construction of a wall on all our borders with the full understanding that the country Mexico will be reimbursing the United States for the full cost of such walls. Mexican aliens have been working illegally in this country for decades, stealing our lettuce-picking, landscaping, and house-cleaning jobs -- not to mention all the cooking positions at every Chinese restaurant I’ve ever been to. Mexico should have plenty of pilfered U.S. dollars to pay for a wall. Maybe we can cruise by a Home Depot and grab a couple of Mexicans and make them build the damn thing, too.
Restoring Community Safety Act. Reduces surging crime by expanding unmonitored, unregulated, and unlimited Stand Your Ground laws for every state. Prevents women from having abortions so we don’t have to keep blowing up clinics.
Clean up Corruption in Washington Act. Enacts new ethics reforms to Drain the Swamp and reduce the corrupting influence of special interests like women’s rights, NAACP, LGBT advocacy, ACLU, Southern Poverty Law Center, and other Neanderthal outfits. These political terrorists shall be replaced by organizations that have traditionally championed the purity of American values. My friend David Duke runs a great place. His klan is a long-standing Christian organization committed to protecting traditional conservative values and First Amendment rights, with a staunch stance against communism. The Aryan Nations group also upholds our religious values, along with the tenets of the Republican Party. They are devout followers of Christ and fight ferociously against all those who oppose Him, or had any involvement in His murder.
This is my pledge to you.
And if we follow these steps, we will once more have a government of, by and for the people.
(c) 2016. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.