Friday, March 30, 2012

At Oshkosh Piggly Wiggly, Tearful Newt Gingrich Cuts Short Speech and Buys $3 Million in Lottery Tickets

OSHKOSH, Wis. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Short on delegates, popular appeal and funds, embattled White House hopeful Newt Gingrich made a brief and desperate appearance in Wisconsin Friday. Economically, Gingrich has been sustained by his half million dollar revolving credit account at Tiffany's -- where he eats his only meal of the day, breakfast -- and the generous financial backing of Sheldon Adelson, a Las Vegas benefactor who dumped more than $16 million into a Super PAC to support the campaign. However, Adelson is now sending signals that Gingrich's race is run and that he will start supporting Romney. The former Speaker of the House came to the state with the intent of addressing students at the University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh. Instead, Gingrich mysteriously changed the venue to a nearby Piggly Wiggly, where he gave an incomplete and emotionally awkward speech before asking someone to show him how the "damned Mega Millions lottery machine" worked.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Rep. Bobby Rush Removed from House Floor for Wearing Hoodie, Causing Peers to Fear for Their Lives

Photo courtesy of AP
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donning a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses in a show of solidarity for slain Florida teen Trayvon Martin, Rep. Bobby Rush (D-Ill.) was called out of order by Rep. Gregg Harper (R-Miss.) and escorted from the House floor. Rush appeared dressed in a suit jacket, but replaced it with a hoodie prior to addressing his colleagues with the following statement: "Too often, this violent act that resulted in the murder of Trayvon Martin is repeated in the streets of our nation. I applaud the young people all across the land who are making a statement about hoodies, about the hoodlums in this nation, particularly those who tread on our laws wearing official or quasi-official clothes." Like Martin, Rush was unarmed, African American and had his face concealed by a cowl. Although House rules prohibit representatives from wearing hats during congressional sessions, Rush was removed for what security personnel referred to as "grave safety concerns" and inciting panic. Witnesses claim mayhem erupted during the otherwise routine proceedings as representatives fled screaming for their lives, while others scrambled to grab firearms from security officers to defend themselves from the threat.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

JetBlue Captain Restrained During Bizarre Midair Freakout, Blames 24-hour GOP Campaign Coverage

Photo courtesy AP
SAN NARCISO, Calif.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just weeks after an American Airlines flight attendant was removed from a plane for making an outburst about 9/11 and her fears the plane would crash, the captain of a JetBlue flight en route to Las Vegas from New York suffered a bizarre midair breakdown that required passengers to subdue him. The co-pilot told the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) that he became concerned about the captain's erratic behavior shortly after Flight 191 left Kennedy International Airport. During the commute, the captain inexplicably left the cockpit and began walking the cabin, ranting about bombs and al Qaeda. At that point, a former corrections officer and six other passengers restrained him. The co-pilot diverted the flight to Texas, where an ambulance took the captain to an Amarillo hospital. Tuesday evening, however, the captain called reporters from his hospital room and blamed his emotional collapse on his realization that the United States had been taken over by gay terrorists plotting to banish Christians to the moon -- something he learned during the non-stop media coverage of the Republican primaries.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Dick Cheney Deposes Despotic Heart after Countless Unprovoked Attacks

FALLS CHURCH, Va. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A family spokesperson told reporters that former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney was doing well after his long-awaited heart transplant on Saturday. Cheney, 71, has suffered five heart attacks since age 37. In 2011, he confessed that a special pump had been implanted in his heart the year before. He described it as "a miracle of modern technology," but also as a "temporary measure" to keep him alive. Doctors worried about the implant failing in recent months because the pump had been developed by Halliburton labs -- the same group that designed the cementing plugs for BP's Deepwater Horizon well. Following surgery, Cheney spent Sunday resting and chatting with friends in the hospital. He openly expressed relief at being rid of his old heart, referring to it as a dictatorial sadist bent on destroying his physiological liberties: "I made the decision any concerned American would make -- I sent in an occupying force to depose the enemy and replace it with a governing body more in line with the ideologies of the surrounding systems."

Friday, March 23, 2012

George Zimmerman Body Count Rises in Florida, Still No Arrest

SANFORD, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following George Zimmerman's Feb. 26 killing of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin, who threatened him with a bag of Skittles, authorities let the armed neighborhood watch captain walk free, citing the state's "Stand Your Ground Law" of self-defense. On Thursday, Zimmerman strengthened his case by invoking what legal insiders have named the "Skittle's Defense." Zimmerman is just one of many victims who displayed the courage to leverage the protection of the sweeping Florida law, which posits that a belligerent and predatory offense is a heck of a defense. One Florida official explained that "Mr. Zimmerman was so frightened of what Trayvon Martin might do with his bag of Skittles, he hunted him down like a three-legged dog with arthritis and butchered him on the street corner. That's the power of fear. Fight or flight. Zimmerman did what any of us would've in the same situation."

On Friday afternoon, Zimmerman made headlines once again by killing two more people in Sanford who frightened him half to death. Again, police did not have enough evidence to make an arrest. Among Zimmerman's latest assailants were a disabled senior citizen and a mime.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

George Zimmerman Claims "Skittles Defense" in Trayvon Martin Shooting

SANFORD, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The fatal shooting of an unarmed Florida teen named Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old neighborhood watch volunteer, has sparked national outrage and a federal investigation. Martin, 17, was heading home from a 7-11 convenience store on February 26 when Zimmerman followed and then confronted him. Zimmerman was armed with a 9-millimeter pistol. Martin was armed with a cellphone, a bag of Skittles and an iced tea, police said. Zimmerman claimed he gunned down Martin in self-defense.

Despite the racial overtones inherent in the case, Zimmerman has steadfastly alleged that race was not his motivation for slaying the candy-wielding, black youth. On Thursday, Sanford Police Chief Bill Lee announced that he would be stepping down to prevent becoming a "distraction" in the now ongoing federal investigation, but he stands by his department's decision not to arrest Zimmerman, citing the state's "Stand Your Ground Law" of preemptive self-defense. Zimmerman has yet to be taken into custody or thoroughly interrogated by any agency, although countless groups across the country have voiced outrage over his freedom. Today, Zimmerman further justified his actions by invoking what legal analysts have called the "Skittles Defense."

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Police Question Area Priest About Inappropriate St. Patrick's Day Play

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County ushered in St. Patrick's Day 2012 with yet another controversy, prompting Mayor Manny DiPresso to add this holiday to a growing list of celebrations that council members may soon move to abolish. Last year, the festivities were overshadowed by an inflammatory speech given by a theology student, in which St. Patrick was accused of being a church assassin sent to destroy the polytheistic culture of Ireland. Tensions further escalated when the Catholic Church announced that gays would be prohibited from marching in the parade. At that time, Father Preternature -- who presides over the county's only Catholic congregation, defended his decision, saying, “First off, [homosexuals] already have their own parade. Second, St. Patrick’s Day is a religious holiday, not an ideological movement." The mayor's office was outraged at Preternature for implying that gays had infiltrated the community. On Saturday, Preternature again found himself cross with the law when parents summoned Child Protective Services to a children's play he produced called "St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland's Trousers."

Monday, March 19, 2012

Outlook Bleak for Comedy Fans as Gallagher Expected to Make Full Recovery

Photo courtesy of AP
LEWISVILLE, Texas (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The stage performer Gallagher was slowly taken out of sedation Sunday after suffering a heart attack Wednesday during a show in a suburban Dallas bar. The 65-year-old "comedian" made a name for himself throughout the 1970s and 1980s by smashing fruit, cracking innocuous puns and demonstrating unconventional uses for a variety of silly props. In recent years, Gallagher has reinvented himself as a comic champion of paranoid, xenophobic religious conservatives. His produce-based props now serve as gay (fruit salad) and ethnic (watermelon) effigies, which he pulverizes under the righteous judgment of his holy hammer. Interestingly, doctors used similar imagery to describe Gallagher's cardiac arrest: "To put it in terms his fans would understand, picture Gallagher's arteries as swollen, angry sledgehammers striking down upon a nearly rotten and largely unremarkable container of fluid."

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Ben Affleck's Unconventional Parenting Techniques Horrify Neighbors

SANTA MONICA Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- "I love being a father," Ben Affleck said to reporters who actually had asked him about his thoughts on the situation in Northern Uganda and the Invisible Children charity, which has become the subject of controversy for allegedly appropriating millions of donations. "Let's talk about visible children," Affleck interjected, redirecting the conversation to the birth of his son, Samuel. Actress Jennifer Garner and husband Ben ushered in their third baby just two weeks ago at the end of February. But with Mom's busy schedule, Affleck has had to prove his babysitting skills. On Wednesday, he told reporters that Garner had left him in charge of Samuel after explaining how to feed him. A horrified neighbor who witnessed Affleck feeding the infant placed a frantic call to the police.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Why I Am Leaving Mordor By Lord Sauron

OP ED, Middle Earth (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- TODAY is my last day at Mordor. After countless ages of terrorizing the misguided yokels and eugenic assassins of Middle Earth -- first as a lieutenant of Melkor, then as Morgoth's second-in-command, and finally as the god-king who forged the One Ring in dismal old Mount Doom -- I believe I have reigned long enough to understand the trajectory of Middle Earth culture, its political tribalism and an environment that is as morally toxic, corrupt and repugnant as Mordor's is physically and aromatically. To put it in the simplest terms, the interests of democracy, equality among races and looking out for the underdog continue to be sidelined by the selfish desires of the blond, pale, pretty elitists who have banded together to vilify me. Why? Because for all their lofty talk of ideals, freedom, salvation and family values, what they're really worried about is having their property values plummet when a gaggle of lower class Orcs move in next door. It's racism, plain and simple. Disguised as virtue. It's disgusting. So, I'm hoping to make a new start in Late Earth -- America or Europe, possibly in banking or politics. Honest work.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Judge Rules Against Providing Sandusky More Details in Case as Graphic Testimony Seemed to Arouse Him

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jerry Sandusky, the disgraced former assistant football coach and resident pedophile at Penn State, will not be receiving more details from witnesses about the alleged sexual assaults, according to the judge's ruling Tuesday. Sandusky's defense attorney Joe Amendola said he will push to dismiss all counts against his client on the grounds of "lack of specificity." Sandusky is charged with sexually abusing 10 boys over a 15-year period. Amendola argued before the court that "if the commonwealth can't be more specific, the defendant can't adequately present their defense." But Judge John Cleland rebuffed Amendola's claim on two grounds: first, that additional details don't exist because the victims were children at the time of the incidents; and second, because the more graphic the testimonies became, the more aroused Sandusky appeared in court. One bailiff told reporters, "The defendant's demeanor was icky and creepy. I had to shower twice after court was dismissed, just to feel human again."

Friday, March 9, 2012

Obama Pressures Senate to Kill Canadian Keystone Pipeline Bid to Reduce Foreign Oil Dependence

WASHINGTON, D.C.. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Under pressure from the White House, Democrats with the majority vote in the Senate blocked a Republican bid Thursday to expedite approval for the development of the Keystone XL pipeline, which would transport tar sands oil from Canada to refineries along the Texas Gulf Coast. Even with President Obama urging Democrats to lobby against the pipeline, 11 senators sided with Republicans. Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) lashed out at the administration, saying: "President Obama's personal pleas to wavering senators may have tipped the balance against this legislation. When it comes to delays over Keystone, anyone looking for a culprit should now look no further than the Oval Office." Democrats countered by pointing out that the pipeline's route has not been established; any impact to the price of gasoline remains conceptual at best. Environmental dangers also run high in the long-haul transport of dirty oil, which requires excessive amounts of energy to extract. But Obama's primary motivation was to uphold his pledge to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil -- a Republican talking point. "Canada is a foreign country. We import more than 25 percent of our oil from these aliens," Obama told reporters, his confusion visible. "I vowed to stop this practice in agreement with the GOP. I don't understand."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Retired Engineer Charges ExxonMobil with Rape after Paying Nearly Five Dollars a Gallon for Gas

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Residents living near the gated Winthrop Manors community adjacent to Bennington Vale no need introduction to Alistair Waldetor. To hear them tell it, the man pioneered the image of the shotgun-wielding curmudgeon who admonishes children, "Get off my lawn!" He abandoned that practice in 1998 when the county passed legislation that restricted the open brandishing of weapons to small firearms only -- a law that remains unpopular and regularly contested. Waldetor now relies on a team of trained military attack dogs, electrified fencing and a "look the other way on registered sex offenders" attitude to keep errant children from his pristine yard.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Mitt Romney Helps Rush Limbaugh Choose More Appropriate Slurs for Loose Women

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, February 29, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh set off a media firestorm by attacking a Georgetown Law student, Sandra Fluke, for her advocacy of making contraception available to all women. Limbaugh chided Fluke for arguing before Congress that the expenses for her birth control should be covered by her employer's health care plan. He then called her a "slut" and accused her of "having so much sex she can't afford her own birth control pills." On Thursday, March 1, following of day of censure and demands for apologies, Limbaugh took his position with Fluke a step further and said: "If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it, and I'll tell you what it is: We want you to post the videos online so we can all watch." Limbaugh faced harsh criticism from Democrats and Republicans alike. The rare exception was Mitt Romney, who said, "It’s not the language I would have used." He allegedly sent Limbaugh a more family friendly list of slurs for loose women on Monday evening.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

TSA Cracks Down on Breast Pumps and Women with Large Cup Sizes in Hawaii

LIHUE, Hawaii (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials came under fire again Friday after refusing to let a businesswoman board a plane Wednesday with her breast pump. The victim was commuting from Lihue to Maui with her nine-month-old daughter, whom TSA officials also flagged for additional screening. Since July 2011, TSA screeners have been encouraged to grope young boys and girls freely as part of enhanced "pat down" policies. Administrator John Pistole defended the practice, citing the integrity of the agency's employees and its selection process: "We train and oversee these individuals thoroughly. If you think the airport security line is painful, you should see the screening process our candidates must undergo during their interviews. Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a rigorous cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest's chambers." Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years. Most recently, disgraced Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky applied for a seasonal position as an agent at Orlando International Airport, near Florida's Walt Disney World Resort.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Google Slights Memory of Dr. Seuss on His 108th Birthday with Conspicuously Absent Doodle

OP-ED (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Today, March 2, commemorates the 108th birthday of literary genius Theodore Geisel, known to generations of young readers as Dr. Seuss. So where's the Google Doodle honoring the legacy of this great American? I opened my browser today and saw only the standard Google home page. I suppose because Seuss was considered a raving liberal, Corporate America and its overlords decided to give the good doctor a pass today. As perhaps the only Democrat in San Narciso County, I certainly know how that feels. I can't even get a bus ticket in this town without an interrogation about my destination, my reasons for traveling, or who I'm meeting once I get there. But no, I'm not going to equate these uncomfortable inspections to a trip through East Berlin's Checkpoint Charlie. The treatment I receive in San Narciso's much worse, because the scrutiny is being instituted by businesses. Think of writing a check at Radio Shack, and you'll understand the life of a progressive in this eugenic Stepford community.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Conservatives Lose Andrew Breitbart and Controversial Indian-based Jobs Bill -- One Passes, One Doesn't

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The conservative noise machine lost some of its steam and clamor Thursday with the deaths of right-wing journalist Andrew Breitbart and a congressional jobs bill predicated on a study of Indian poverty. Breitbart, 43, was pronounced dead at 12:19 a.m. at UCLA Medical Center. The jobs plan died hours later. Breitbart collapsed walking near his home around midnight, according to his father-in-law, actor Orson Bean. Paramedics were unable to revive him. Ultra-conservative Tea Party members, among Breitbart's biggest supporters, praised God for deciding the writer's fate instead of leaving him to the amoral pseudo-science of medical doctors. However, other officials deep within Party ranks expressed concerns that Breitbart's passing may have been the Lord's condemnation for his support of conservative gay rights groups (GOProud) and his role in founding The Huffington Post, a socialist propaganda publication. The cause of Breitbart's death is being classified as natural causes pending the results of an autopsy. Based on the findings, socially conservative lawmakers have said they are prepared to expand the definition of "natural causes" to include factors such as drugs, auto-erotic asphyxiation and bum fighting -- a standard courtesy for all Party advocates that was enacted in December 2010, following Rush Limbaugh's heart attack scare.

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