Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Why I Am Leaving Mordor By Lord Sauron

OP ED, Middle Earth (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- TODAY is my last day at Mordor. After countless ages of terrorizing the misguided yokels and eugenic assassins of Middle Earth -- first as a lieutenant of Melkor, then as Morgoth's second-in-command, and finally as the god-king who forged the One Ring in dismal old Mount Doom -- I believe I have reigned long enough to understand the trajectory of Middle Earth culture, its political tribalism and an environment that is as morally toxic, corrupt and repugnant as Mordor's is physically and aromatically. To put it in the simplest terms, the interests of democracy, equality among races and looking out for the underdog continue to be sidelined by the selfish desires of the blond, pale, pretty elitists who have banded together to vilify me. Why? Because for all their lofty talk of ideals, freedom, salvation and family values, what they're really worried about is having their property values plummet when a gaggle of lower class Orcs move in next door. It's racism, plain and simple. Disguised as virtue. It's disgusting. So, I'm hoping to make a new start in Late Earth -- America or Europe, possibly in banking or politics. Honest work.

It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but I was actually the William Wallace of Middle Earth. That's right, I was a broadsword-brandishing champion of the people, who liberated an oppressed race of slaves from the clutches of sadistic murderers. Of course, on the surface, I was an easy target. I created a flaming eyeball to watch over my realm. I raised a massive army of grotesque creatures as a deterrent. And I'm like ten-foot tall, a pituitary problem that has made me the victim of bullies since my first incarnation. But why all this shock and awe, you might ask? Protection. The surveillance, the steel attire, the sprawling ocean of up-armored troops --all of it to defend my people from the architects of genocide...the Men and the Elves.

I'm no Jerry Sandusky, no Gaddafi, no Saddam, no Golem, no Newt Gingrich. But I'm impugned as though I'd shoveled the coal into Hitler's ovens while molesting nuns and running welfare scams. Nobody thought to ask, "What's he actually done to us?"

Here's what I did. Same thing as Abraham Lincoln. And just like Lincoln, I can't leave the house without worrying about the next John Wilkes Booth skulking behind, pistol at the ready. I saved Orcs and Goblins from the lynch mobs and the "coon hunts" and joy divisions orchestrated by Elves. Every day for centuries, you'd find Elves of all ages emptying quivers of arrows into defenseless Orcs with no more enthusiasm or apprehension than a child discovering a booger in its pointy elvish nose. You see, with Men and Elves, it's about class. Everyone's allowed to play, so long as everyone can afford to live in the same neighborhood and get a Hobbit to do his dirty work.

Well, I ended that abuse. I issued my own Emancipation Proclamation, you could say, and gave these repressed beings homes and jobs...in an environment blind to issues of color or economics or faiths. Like the sign outside the castle says, "Everyone's Equal in My Eye."

Why, do you realize that my army is the only truly diverse workforce in all of Middle Earth? The Men, the Elves, the Dwarves, they're all exclusive, no mixing. Even among tribes of men, there's a separate but equal fallacy that prevails. Remember, these are dynastic monarchies -- kingdoms and fiefdoms. They're not required to give a crap. But in Mordor, it's "from each according to his ability, to each according to his need."

I'm just trying to carve out a place for my people in a land that was once theirs. In that, is Mordor really any different than Israel?

Our enemies did not attack us because we provoked them; they just wanted to get rid of the swarthy, filthy rabble that might find a way to move up the food chain and into their country clubs. Minorities are fine to beings such as these, until they start to become majorities.

Are my tactics ruthless, my methods extreme? Sure they are. Is that different than any other revolutionary fighting for a just cause? Nope. Vlad Dracula may have had his reputation perverted by a drunken, silly Irishman to sell a schlock penny dreadful, but in his native land, Vlad remains regarded as a liberator -- a folk hero. The man who sacrificed all to save his people from the Turks. And yet outside his homeland, he's a predatory molester who eats babies and drinks blood from hobos. And who did this commie monster in? A real estate agent, an oil tycoon, a doctor, a college professor, and a trust fund kid. Of course.

It's tragic, but then history is written by the winners. And there is no moral fiber in a single-minded pursuit so constipated and so appallingly myopic as winning. In the end, those who follow the Men and the Elves will perish under the inbred whimsy of tyrants. Never mind that I founded a sanctuary for tens of thousands of disenfranchised real people who were desperate to work hard and build their dreams. Now that my ring has been destroyed, my arm cut off, and my armies obliterated, I fear Middle Earth has nothing left to offer but an orgy ala Caligula followed by a fate ala Rome.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
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