Thursday, March 22, 2012

George Zimmerman Claims "Skittles Defense" in Trayvon Martin Shooting

SANFORD, Fla. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The fatal shooting of an unarmed Florida teen named Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old neighborhood watch volunteer, has sparked national outrage and a federal investigation. Martin, 17, was heading home from a 7-11 convenience store on February 26 when Zimmerman followed and then confronted him. Zimmerman was armed with a 9-millimeter pistol. Martin was armed with a cellphone, a bag of Skittles and an iced tea, police said. Zimmerman claimed he gunned down Martin in self-defense.

Despite the racial overtones inherent in the case, Zimmerman has steadfastly alleged that race was not his motivation for slaying the candy-wielding, black youth. On Thursday, Sanford Police Chief Bill Lee announced that he would be stepping down to prevent becoming a "distraction" in the now ongoing federal investigation, but he stands by his department's decision not to arrest Zimmerman, citing the state's "Stand Your Ground Law" of preemptive self-defense. Zimmerman has yet to be taken into custody or thoroughly interrogated by any agency, although countless groups across the country have voiced outrage over his freedom. Today, Zimmerman further justified his actions by invoking what legal analysts have called the "Skittles Defense."

"The police did not arrest Mr. Zimmerman due to lack of evidence, his inalienable rights under the airtight 'Stand Your Ground Law,' and their belief that his life was in danger at the time Trayvon Martin menacingly brandished a bag of candies and a dubious looking bottle of iced tea," one Florida attorney remarked. "Now, with Zimmerman's well-reasoned 'Skittles Defense,' it seems unlikely that any judge in the state would hear the case."

Under Florida state law, a heavily armed citizen may slaughter another person he encounters on the street, so long as the shooter believes his life to be in peril. Critics have attacked the law as being too broadly worded. For example, a schizophrenic who believes he's being molested by Fatty Arbuckle and Oscar the Grouch may open fire on a crowd of innocent bystanders, having perceived the threat in his mind.

Florida officials scoffed: "Issuing a mentally ill person a permit to carry can take up to five days -- that's four days and twenty-three hours longer than the licensing process for a normal person. Individuals with past criminal records also face delays -- up to three or four hours, sometimes. In our experience, violence-prone schizophrenics and the criminally insane just don't have that kind of patience. The odds of them being armed are slim to none."

Zimmerman has remained relatively silent since he filled Trayvon Martin's young body full of lead, but he finally spoke out Thursday afternoon to help illustrate the grave threat Martin posed to the community.

"I'm getting a little sick of hearing people call me names because I protected myself," Zimmerman told reporters. "The guy was carrying Skittles, man. Skittles. Do you know what that s**t does to people? I'm tired of these a**holes threatening my neighborhood."

After studying hours of surreal Skittles commercials on YouTube, Zimmerman learned that the candies contained magical properties, which allowed them to suspend children from rainbows, turn a man's feet to candy and bestow Midas-like gifts upon a middle-aged office worker. But, Zimmerman cautioned, the wishes granted by Skittles always seemed to come at a deadly price.

"Something evil happens every time," Zimmerman continued. "One of the kids on the rainbow questioned the possibility of its physical existence, and it opened up and dropped him thousands of feet. Splat, all over a field. In another video, some guy ended up with Skittles for feet. Sounds great, but then his creepy friend started eating him. But the worst was the old man who changed everything to Skittles when he touched it."

In the advertisement titled "Touch," an older office employee -- African American, like Trayvon Martin -- complains to his co-workers that his blessing is actually a curse. He laments his inability to dress himself. He pines for the embrace of his loved ones. He nearly weeps after explaining that he cannot hold his newborn baby. But the commercial turns darker toward the end when the man recounts how he killed a stranger on a bus, coming to the sinister realization that his ability to transform organic matter to a fruit-flavored treat is "pretty awesome." Spilling a fistful of candy onto his desk, the narrator says, "I met a man on the bus today. I shook his hand. He'll never see his family again."

According to Zimmerman, these images have haunted him for years. After finding Trayvon Martin lurking suspiciously through the neighborhood -- clutching a packet of Skittles and obscuring his face with a hood -- Zimmerman naturally feared for his life.

"He stopped and turned toward me. It's instant death if they touch you. And then those bastards eat you," Zimmerman yelped, choking back his fear.

Florida officials promised not to interfere with federal investigators, but are confident that Zimmerman's "Skittles Defense" will exonerate him from all wrongdoing and put the case to a speedy end.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.