Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Retired Engineer Charges ExxonMobil with Rape after Paying Nearly Five Dollars a Gallon for Gas

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Residents living near the gated Winthrop Manors community adjacent to Bennington Vale no need introduction to Alistair Waldetor. To hear them tell it, the man pioneered the image of the shotgun-wielding curmudgeon who admonishes children, "Get off my lawn!" He abandoned that practice in 1998 when the county passed legislation that restricted the open brandishing of weapons to small firearms only -- a law that remains unpopular and regularly contested. Waldetor now relies on a team of trained military attack dogs, electrified fencing and a "look the other way on registered sex offenders" attitude to keep errant children from his pristine yard.

Beyond San Narciso County, Waldetor is known as a principal co-founder of Yoyodyne, Inc. He was even regarded by President Eisenhower as "one of the most innovative engineering minds in the nascent field of cybernetics." After his retirement in 2008, Waldetor gave up engineering to become Southern California's most prolific writer of consumer complaint letters.

"I usually get my way," he told reporters. "I've got time and I've got money and I've got nothing damn better to do."

To date, Waldetor has successfully worn down major corporations such as Walmart, Benetton, IHOP, Petco, Sears, Cinemax, Olive Garden, Keebler and "those jerks who make Charmin." But now, he has a new object of scorn. After paying nearly five dollars a gallon at the pump Monday, Waldetor announced that he would be taking on ExxonMobil. And this time, the company can expect more than just profanity laden letters. His attorney claims that he will be pressing criminal charges for rape.

"What else would you call it?" Waldetor snapped. "I was buggered, plain and simple. They got you by the short hairs at the pump, and you just have to bend over and take it if you want to get away with your life."

Waldetor's attorney said his client has a compelling case: "People jumped all over Mitt Romney when he declared that corporations were people, but in every legal sense, he was correct. We are therefore pursuing the suit as though Mr. Waldetor had been sexually battered by a very, very big predator."

Under corporate personhood status, conferred after a landmark Supreme Court decision in 1819, large businesses are recognized as having the same rights and responsibilities as natural persons.

"They pay more taxes than Mitt Romney, so as far as I'm concerned, they're people," Waldetor added.

Waldetor has already reported the crime to the San Narciso Police Department and filed suit with the Superior Court in the county.

Ren Williams, SNPD spokesman, said that officers attempted to dissuade Waldetor from taking action by requiring him to undergo the administration of a rape kit. "It's standard procedure," Williams said. "And we thought that after he went through the battery of tests, he'd realize how futile the whole thing was and give up. I mean, that's the point of the rape kit."

But detectives discovered enough evidence to support the allegations.

Williams said: "We were very surprised with the results of the tests. In terms of behavior, the victim demonstrated many common signs associated with rape. He appeared confused, fearful, socially withdrawn and hostile at times. During the physical examination, we found traces of gasoline around the victim's mouth and in his anus. There also seemed to be some bruising and minor cuts in that area, but a few of our medical examiners believe those may have been self-inflicted. We're still looking into it, but everything else seems to check out."

The first court date is being scheduled for early April. Representatives from ExxonMobil declined to comment on the story.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.