Friday, March 30, 2012

At Oshkosh Piggly Wiggly, Tearful Newt Gingrich Cuts Short Speech and Buys $3 Million in Lottery Tickets

OSHKOSH, Wis. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Short on delegates, popular appeal and funds, embattled White House hopeful Newt Gingrich made a brief and desperate appearance in Wisconsin Friday. Economically, Gingrich has been sustained by his half million dollar revolving credit account at Tiffany's -- where he eats his only meal of the day, breakfast -- and the generous financial backing of Sheldon Adelson, a Las Vegas benefactor who dumped more than $16 million into a Super PAC to support the campaign. However, Adelson is now sending signals that Gingrich's race is run and that he will start supporting Romney. The former Speaker of the House came to the state with the intent of addressing students at the University of Wisconsin, Oshkosh. Instead, Gingrich mysteriously changed the venue to a nearby Piggly Wiggly, where he gave an incomplete and emotionally awkward speech before asking someone to show him how the "damned Mega Millions lottery machine" worked.

Gingrich has fought an uphill battle on his journey through the Republican primaries. He's won only two, South Carolina and Georgia. Reports this week also indicate that he recently discharged a third of his staff. Still, Gingrich vows to remain in the race until the convention in June. His supporters have pledged to stick with him, although the majority are unsure whether they will make it to summer -- the most dangerous time of year for people over 80.

As usual, the agenda was to include discussing the end of the world by universal health care, the soaring gas prices ignored by President Obama (who ultimately controls petroleum rates in the nation), the current administration's profound desire to put millions of blue collar workers on the unemployment line, and Gringrich's forward-looking contingency plan of relocating these suffering Americans to a utopian lunar colony where opportunities for hard work abound.

But Gingrich said little more than a few words before breaking down into tears: "I just wanted to come by today, Callista and I want to ask for your vote because having a debate with Obama...we just, I need you to vote...I need...I need someone to show me how this damned Mega Millions lottery machine works."

Callista Gingrich cradled her husband's sobbing head in her bosom as she escorted him to the Mega Millions display, abandoning the stunned admirers who had gathered in front of the market. One supporter said he could see a store clerk assisting Gingrich with the lottery machine inside. Callista stroked Newt's back and wiped away his tears.

"I ain't sure about everything that happened, but I heard Newt tell the Piggly Wiggly guy, 'I've got three million left, and I need a miracle. Does thing take anything bigger than a twenty?'"

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.