Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Police Question Area Priest About Inappropriate St. Patrick's Day Play
According to witnesses, the overly long and poorly orchestrated musical was meant to glamorize the persistent myth that St. Patrick banished the snakes from the Emerald Isle. Some parents objected to the play because, they claimed, it discounted the actual accomplishments of St. Patrick in favor of perpetuating a historical inaccuracy; evidence suggests that post-glacial Ireland never had snakes. Preternature responded by condemning those parents as heretics and threatened them with excommunication for insinuating that the world was old enough to have witnessed an Ice Age.
Still, even the priest's most devout supporters said they felt uneasy and spiritually conflicted as "St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland's Trousers" unfolded before them.
In the play, several children -- all boys -- were lined up on stage, dressed in green jumpers and leprechaun hats. Each wore a placard that depicted a crudely drawn piece of a map of Ireland, likely done in crayon. These were attached to the front of the boys' costumes, below the waist. Preternature later explained that this was to ensure visibility. On each section of the map, a plastic snake was glued.
As the boys sang a collection of U2 songs that included "All I Want is You," "Babyface," "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," "Stories For Boys," "Sweetest Thing" and "Sixty Seconds in Kingdom Come," Preternature bounded onto the stage, attired as St. Patrick, and began vigorously beating the snakes on the boys' placards. Stunned parents said this activity went on for nearly 30 minutes, continuing long after the children had run out of songs.
"All you could hear in the church was the sound of an old man heaving and panting over the tiny sobs of our kids," one father told reporters. "After it was over, a terrible rain storm hit. I'd like to think it was Jesus crying for allowing this to happen."
Preternature arrived at police headquarters Tuesday to submit to formal questioning. He had an attorney with him. Authorities have yet to release a statement with more details on the case.
(c) 2012. See disclaimers.