Saturday, March 3, 2012

TSA Cracks Down on Breast Pumps and Women with Large Cup Sizes in Hawaii

LIHUE, Hawaii (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) officials came under fire again Friday after refusing to let a businesswoman board a plane Wednesday with her breast pump. The victim was commuting from Lihue to Maui with her nine-month-old daughter, whom TSA officials also flagged for additional screening. Since July 2011, TSA screeners have been encouraged to grope young boys and girls freely as part of enhanced "pat down" policies. Administrator John Pistole defended the practice, citing the integrity of the agency's employees and its selection process: "We train and oversee these individuals thoroughly. If you think the airport security line is painful, you should see the screening process our candidates must undergo during their interviews. Leaving your child alone in a closed room with an officer while he conducts a rigorous cavity search should raise no more alarm than your child visiting a priest's chambers." Interestingly, the number of former priests and retired congresspeople hiring on at the TSA has steadily increased over the last three years. Most recently, disgraced Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky applied for a seasonal position as an agent at Orlando International Airport, near Florida's Walt Disney World Resort.

"It may seem austere, but you never know what some terrorists might try, like implanting C4 in a baby," one officer explained. TSA spokespeople admitted that an agent mistakenly told the woman she could carry the pack on the plane only "if it was medically necessary." But Pistole said he'd always rather "err on the side of caution, pessimism, fear and a conspiratorial sense of paranoia that terrorists are lurking everywhere, waiting to strike -- even if that entails rectally implanting bombs in infants or weaponizing breast milk."

Pistole also said that intelligence gathered over the last two years has consistently pointed to surgical implants as "next generation" terrorist strategy.

"The reality is," Pistole stated, "we see a well-endowed young lady, and we've got to maintain a healthy suspicion. In Wednesday's incident, our agents faced a tough decision -- had this woman implanted explosives in her chest, or were her buoyant breasts merely engorged with milk? And was that breast pump really a detonator? You know, an explodes-on-contact sort of device? My guess is you don't want minimum wage workers with only a high school education making those kinds of judgment calls. So again, I say err on the side of caution."

Pistole reiterated that passengers arriving from destinations such as Hawaii, Britain, Brazil and Sweden may be targeted under the new protocols, where extremely high incidences of surgical implants and larger cup sizes have been reported. The TSA claims that agents are being trained to remain abreast of new profiling trends and to employ more intensive pat down and cupping techniques where implants seem likely.

"If you got it, flaunt it, ladies...but be ready for us to haunt it," Pistole joked.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.