Thursday, March 1, 2012

Conservatives Lose Andrew Breitbart and Controversial Indian-based Jobs Bill -- One Passes, One Doesn't

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The conservative noise machine lost some of its steam and clamor Thursday with the deaths of right-wing journalist Andrew Breitbart and a congressional jobs bill predicated on a study of Indian poverty. Breitbart, 43, was pronounced dead at 12:19 a.m. at UCLA Medical Center. The jobs plan died hours later. Breitbart collapsed walking near his home around midnight, according to his father-in-law, actor Orson Bean. Paramedics were unable to revive him. Ultra-conservative Tea Party members, among Breitbart's biggest supporters, praised God for deciding the writer's fate instead of leaving him to the amoral pseudo-science of medical doctors. However, other officials deep within Party ranks expressed concerns that Breitbart's passing may have been the Lord's condemnation for his support of conservative gay rights groups (GOProud) and his role in founding The Huffington Post, a socialist propaganda publication. The cause of Breitbart's death is being classified as natural causes pending the results of an autopsy. Based on the findings, socially conservative lawmakers have said they are prepared to expand the definition of "natural causes" to include factors such as drugs, auto-erotic asphyxiation and bum fighting -- a standard courtesy for all Party advocates that was enacted in December 2010, following Rush Limbaugh's heart attack scare.

But Republicans suffered another defeat this afternoon. Fretting over an approval rating below 11 percent and facing criticism for rejecting President Obama's jobs plan with nothing to offer in its place, the GOP unveiled a radical proposal that detractors called "utterly flawed."

The plan's concept was predicated on a study of impoverished Indian society, undertaken by two highly educated and successful Indian businessmen -- a former international banker and an engineer. Both men returned to India from their careers abroad to spend three weeks in Bangalore living on 100 rupees a day, the equivalent of two U.S. dollars. That amount represents the current minimum wage in a country with an 80-percent poverty rate. Worse, the government is considering lowering the wage to 32 rupees a day, or 60 cents. During the experiment, the men went without "luxuries" like toilet paper, eating meat or taking the bus.

However, they discovered that "when you're living on that amount, life is all about innovation. Innovation is the name of the game, pretty much every second, because every hour you're thinking at least 10 minutes on that hour how you're going to survive the next hour."

F. Chester Greene, a 2012 White House hopeful from San Narciso County, Calif., helped author the controversial plan, saying: "It was a like a lightning storm of realization struck me. Innovation is what this country's lacking. Innovation is what makes places like China so competitive now. Our plan is aimed at driving American innovation, cutting employer costs and dragging the United States back to the top of the dog heap."

The jobs proposal seeks to cut the U.S. federal minimum wage to two dollars a day. Proponents of the plan say it will force recent college grads with limited employment prospects to innovate.

"Who knows what these guys and gals might discover while they're struggling to survive with virtually no means?" Greene added. "Alternative food sources, communication devices, new fuels, the cure for homosexuality or at least viable techniques for survival when the nation finally collapses in the coming Hippie Apocalypse. The possibilities are endless. Plus, with wages reduced to manageable levels, employers will be able to hire more people and realize greater profits, thereby stimulating the economy."

Democrats roundly rejected the plan on partisan lines, demonstrating their continued propensity for obstructionism. Unfortunately, conservatives from states such as Arizona, Louisiana and Georgia also shot the measure down, explaining that the last time they outsourced American politics to India, they ended up choosing Bobby Jindal as a spokesperson. His creepy televised rebuttal of Obama's first State of the Union Address helped solidify support for the Democratic Party.

Our sympathies to Mr. Breitbart's family during this difficult time. Our sympathies also to the campaigning politicians who have been reduced to invoking Mr. Breitbart as a martyr to curry favor and votes because they've run out of meaningful issues to discuss.

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.