A spokesperson in Rome said the decision came after church officials learned of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi's pregnancy. Snooki is the 24-year-old star of the reality television series "Jersey Shores." She is a multimillionaire who enjoys indiscriminate, unprotected sex and urinating in public places. She is believed to be three-months pregnant. Although the papal council does not believe Snooki is carrying the anti-Christ, they fear her offspring might be something more obnoxious and detrimental to society. Some insiders perceive the situation as so dire that the church might consider relaxing its opposition to pro-choice legislation.
"This is truly a morose day," Father Preternature told the congregation of San Narciso's only Catholic Church. "They say the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. That when a door closes, a window opens. But to learn of Snooki's pregnancy on the same day as Davy Jones' sudden demise, it seems to me that sometimes the Lord just closes doors and smashes windows and takes away. There are two tragedies today, and I'm struggling to understand which is the worse."
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