Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Susan G. Komen Cuts Planned Parenthood Funding to Save Women from Wrath of Misogynistic God

NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Susan G. Komen for the Cure, the nation's most prominent breast-cancer charity, announced Tuesday that it was pulling its grants from Planned Parenthood and severing its ties with the organization. Since its founding in 1982, Komen has invested more than $1.9 billion in breast-cancer research, related health services and advocacy. In 2011, Planned Parenthood received $680,000 from Komen, which it distributed among its 19 affiliates. The money was used to cover the costs of critical screenings for women unable to afford traditional health care. Critics and disillusioned supporters cried foul, blaming the charity for caving to pressure from conservative religious groups that have boycotted Komen since it formed its partnership with Planned Parenthood in 2005. Representatives from Komen insisted the move was not politically motivated but stemmed from new rules that prohibit it from giving money to groups under federal investigation. This claim too remains disputed as the "investigation" is merely a probe launched by a single Republican at the behest of an anti-abortion group. However, Komen said it also believes shunning Planned Parenthood could save even more lives, citing new intelligence that abortions increase the risk of breast-cancer by invoking the wrath of God.

Speaking on behalf of Komen was the organization's new vice president, former Georgia Secretary of State Karen Handel, whose push to defund Planned Parenthood during her failed gubernatorial run provides her a great deal of insight to the baby-killing industry.

Handel said, "Our decision is regrettable but necessary. In order to provide the invaluable support we do to women all over the United States, we can't risk running afoul of regulatory rules...or God Almighty."

Medical professionals argued that no substantive proof exists to show that terminating a pregnancy leads to increased risks of breast-cancer. Handel retorted by saying, "Scientific proof is irrelevant where faith is involved. Abortion is a sin, and breast-cancer is divine punishment. Frankly, I'm tired of hearing about a woman's right to choose. The Bible's pretty clear about what happens when women make choices."

Handel also announced that Komen would soon be abandoning its iconic pink ribbon for similar reasons.

"Pink is a color closely associated with homosexuals," Handel explained. "And we have been cursed by the plague of AIDS because of these deviant sodomites. By cutting our ties to the gay and lesbian community -- along with any gay rights groups we may have foolishly supported in the past -- we have an excellent chance of overcoming AIDS too."

(c) 2012. See disclaimers.
Reactions: