SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A chilling and emotionally fraught public service announcement (PSA) by Sandy Hook Promise, which debuted on the September 18 broadcast of Today, has haunted Americans since its airing with a jarring message about the perils facing students in an era where mass shootings have practically become normalized in their frequency and lackluster response by officials. The video opens much like those cheery back-to-school ads pushed by retailers during this time of year. Instead of voguing about campus with their cool new gear, however, the students descend into a nightmarish horrorscape, fleeing an unseen attacker as violence erupts around them. “It’s difficult to watch,” admitted National Rifle Association (NRA) leaders. “But not because of the anti-gun propaganda flagrantly basted over this turkey. If the purpose of our schools is to teach students how to survive the harsh realities of America, this video demonstrates just what a terrible job they’re doing.”
Showing posts with label Nation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nation. Show all posts
Friday, September 20, 2019
NRA Ridicules Sandy Hook PSA and Teases Own “See Something, Shoot Something” Ad
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- A chilling and emotionally fraught public service announcement (PSA) by Sandy Hook Promise, which debuted on the September 18 broadcast of Today, has haunted Americans since its airing with a jarring message about the perils facing students in an era where mass shootings have practically become normalized in their frequency and lackluster response by officials. The video opens much like those cheery back-to-school ads pushed by retailers during this time of year. Instead of voguing about campus with their cool new gear, however, the students descend into a nightmarish horrorscape, fleeing an unseen attacker as violence erupts around them. “It’s difficult to watch,” admitted National Rifle Association (NRA) leaders. “But not because of the anti-gun propaganda flagrantly basted over this turkey. If the purpose of our schools is to teach students how to survive the harsh realities of America, this video demonstrates just what a terrible job they’re doing.”
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Security Cited in July 4 NJ Beach Closure: Wildlife Activists Tried to Push Christie in Ocean
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Trump Crashes New Jersey Wedding Reception to Grope Young Bride
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday night, shortly after sealing their nuptials, a young couple received a surprise visit from Donald Trump. The president crashed the wedding reception being held at the Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster Township, New Jersey, where he proceeded to kiss, hug, fondle and grope the new bride who bore a striking resemblance to First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump. The unexpected appearance was captured on video by guests at the event.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
Mar-a-Lago Members Can Buy Fortune Cookies with Classified Information Inside
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For Donald Trump, sharing state secrets with any interested foreign actor has become a sort of proving ground in a rite of passage to be accepted as a legitimate global leader -- a way to validate that he holds genuine power and knowledge. But as his approval rating plummets into an abyss of historic lows, even among right-wing pollsters, Trump has found himself perched atop a fulcrum on which his authority and ability to command teeter. He has become desperate to reassert his image of brash confidence and superior insight. So beginning on June 1, restaurants at Trump’s Palm Beach resort will treat curious diners to confidential secrets that promise to be juicier than their overcooked, cloth-textured steaks. For $500, visitors to Mar-a-Lago may purchase fortune cookies that contain one piece of classified U.S. intelligence (limit one cookie per guest).
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Acting FBI Director McCabe Excited About First and Probably Only Week in Office
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Acting, and most likely interim, FBI Director Andrew McCabe rejected a series of assertions by the White House that his predecessor, James Comey, had compromised the bureau’s integrity, lost the faith of the public and frustrated peers with his insistence on squandering Justice Department resources for a costly crusade to validate Russia’s meddling in the election, which Trump described as a “minor concern” to employees. McCabe boldly contradicted Trump’s allegations and praised Comey. He then vowed that nothing could prevent the FBI from “doing the right thing” and pushing the probe forward. After his testimony on Capitol Hill, McCabe said, “I’m terribly excited to step into this role, and I’m looking forward to the one or maybe two weeks I’ll get to serve America as the director of the FBI.”
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
AHCA Lets Insurers Hike Rates for New High-Risk Conditions: Being Brown, Female, Gay or Muslim
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Thursday’s narrow passage of Trump’s revised health legislation, intended to repeal and replace Obama’s landmark Affordable Care Act, marked the first measurable victory for a struggling administration. Despite controversial provisions for low-income tax credits and phasing out the expansion of Medicaid, alarms have been raised over allowing insurers to hike premiums for covering pre-existing conditions. Trump sweetened the pot Tuesday with sweeping additions to what insurance companies can consider pre-existing conditions: being brown, female, gay or Muslim.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
GOP Promises Health Care Bill Won’t Eliminate Pre-existing Conditions
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republicans on Thursday rammed their revised health care bill through the House of Representatives, packed with amendments and additional spending, to seize a narrow victory with a thin majority of votes. Gaining the same hard-fought adoption of the Senate, however, will prove to be a much heftier feat. Despite the skepticism of Senate Republicans, the opposition of uncharacteristically united Democrats, and concerns that the Congressional Budget Office has not reviewed the financial impact of the legislation, the biggest debate involves a concession called the MacArthur Amendment, which honors the president’s promise to guarantee pre-existing conditions. “If you have a pre-existing condition, this bill won’t touch it,” Trump said. “You get to keep your pre-existing condition forever. Our health care act won’t eliminate any pre-existing conditions you have.”
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Fake Media Downplays Trump’s Triumphs During First 100 Days
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The end of a president’s first 100 days in office is not a formal milestone, but during the last century this benchmark has come to symbolize a gauge by which to measure and forecast a new administration’s performance, based on initial accomplishments. But fake news outlets like NBC, CNN, NPR and the New York Times have discounted President Trump’s achievements to promote specious tales of failure and loss. Trump’s grand schemes, in under 100 days, have largely been realized. He has undeniably laid the groundwork to dismantle government, erect barriers between nations, end health care, privatize education, start a global war, weaken the power of fringe groups such as LGBTQ people and feminists, and clear obstacles like Native American protesters from America’s path to energy independence. In this era of fake media, it is important that journalists seek the truth. And the truth is that Trump , like Charlie Sheen, is winning.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
7 Fascinating Facts About Neil Gorsuch, Who Can Allegedly Deadlift 700 Pounds
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The clock is ticking. As both parties in Congress brace for an historic clash over the confirmation of Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, the burning question for most Americans has become, “Who is Neil Gorsuch?” A leaked document that describes the judge’s wild accomplishments outside the courtroom, purported to have been commissioned by President Trump, may provide the answer -- along with tantalizing glimpses into the life of an enigmatic but almost superhuman individual, who can apparently deadlift 700 pounds and create the illusion of levitating objects with his mind.
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Executive Order on Climate Change: Pipelines and Coal Could Create Tens of Jobs
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Health Care Overhaul Vote Delayed: Bill Lacks Hate and Discrimination Promised
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following a day of drama, marathon meetings, intense discussions and combative posturing, the vote to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has been postponed until Friday. House Republicans must persuade at least 21 members of their caucus to support the bill, under the presumption that no Democrats will endorse it. However, 26 conservatives confirmed that they will vote against the current version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Four other Republicans stated they would likely oppose it. Despite concessions, the bill, derisively dubbed Obamacare Lite, “doesn’t begin to discriminate or hate hard enough,” opponents explained. “We were sold Mengele; what we got stank of Mother Teresa.”
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Dentist Says Trump Demanded Extraction of Monitoring Device in Tooth
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.
Friday, March 17, 2017
A Trump Saint Patrick’s Day: Nigerian Poetry, Disabled Children and Lots of Orange
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump honored Saint Patrick’s Day in his accustomed idiom by citing a Nigerian poem as a proverb of the Emerald Isle during a meeting with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny. The breakfast began, as The Washington Post explained, with a “cringe-worthy, mildly offensive Irish cliche in front of a room full of Irish people.” The event, hosted at the residence of Vice President Mike Pence, degenerated from there. Among the gaffes were Speaker Paul Ryan’s hoisting of a “despicable pint” of Guinness, which resembled a glass of fetid diarrhea, followed by outraged special needs advocates and lots of orange.
Monday, March 13, 2017
WikiLeaks Dump Is Cover-up for CIA Surveillance Using Microwave Ovens
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, WikiLeaks released a trove of documents, numbering in the thousands, that exposed a catalog of the CIA’s cyberspying capabilities. Intelligence officers scrambled to evaluate and suppress the damage during the chaotic aftermath. Investigators attributed the breach to a group of inside agents and contractors, but initially ruled out the involvement of a hostile foreign power. Among the disclosures was evidence that the CIA had developed hacking tools that could infiltrate any Internet-connected product, including Apple and Android devices. However, with Kellyanne Conway’s explosive admission that the Obama administration’s surveillance of Trump was orchestrated using innocuous household appliances, officials now suspect that the WikiLeaks revelations were spurious diversions to distract Americans from the real threat: microwave ovens.
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Carson Cites Slaves and Trump’s Grandfather as Deportation Success Stories
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, Ben Carson made his official debut as the head of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) by extolling the virtues of immigration as reflective of the American dream and the nation’s core values. The address was ironic. Carson made his statements on the same day that President Trump issued another executive order to reinstate the controversial travel ban. He also drew fire for comparing slaves to pilgrims in search of a better life abroad. Carson’s remarks seemed at odds with the president’s insistence on pressing for extreme vetting and mass deportations. Liberal media also seized the opportunity to publish a letter written by Trump’s grandfather, Friedrich, in which he implored Prince-Regent Luitpold of Bavaria not to deny his citizenship. But in a surprising statement on Tuesday, Trump used both examples to illustrate the benefits of deportation.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Trump Wants Transgender People Deported to Transylvania “Where They Came From”
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) last Friday, Donald Trump disclosed his intentions for an unprecedented buildup of the U.S. military, which drew rounds of applause from supporters. On Monday, the president confirmed his request for a nine-percent budget increase to accomplish the massive rearmament, with equivalent cuts to existing social programs to offset the spike. Analysts estimate the costs at $54 billion. Trump also renewed his pledge to enhance immigration crackdowns and roll back rights for the LGBTQ community. But in a surreal conflation of the two issues, Trump implied that his wildly unfettered deportation policies would now include transgender people, who should be “sent back to Transylvania” where he apparently believes they came from.
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Psychologist Clarifies Trump’s High IQ Claim: “He’s Reading It Like a Golf Score”
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If there are two qualities about Donald Trump that stand out, they are his penchant for braggadocio and his love of golf. Despite statements to the contrary, Trump frequently assures the American people and his nemeses in the press that he is an intelligent overachiever, with an exemplary academic record and IQ score to back up the claim. However, doubts abound. The universities Trump attended show no honors, meritorious distinctions or noteworthy grades. On Tuesday, a psychologist from San Narciso College emerged to clarify the discrepancy. “I looked at the president’s latest IQ test and discovered that he’s interpreting it the same way he would a golf score -- from an amazing round of golf. I mean, like, record-breaking.”
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Trump Cabinet Officials Offer Valentine’s Day Advice to Couples
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Donald Trump and his tenuous cabinet picks have felt anything but love during their few short weeks in office. Four days ago, passionate demonstrators assembled to protest the nomination of Betsy DeVos as education secretary. Screaming “shame!” in a moment worthy of “Game of Thrones,” the throng blocked DeVos from entering a public school -- which would have marked the first time she attempted to set foot in one. The president faced extreme backlash from California locals for refusing to acknowledge the state’s request for emergency aid as the Oroville Dam threatened to burst. And last night, controversial National Security Adviser Michael Flynn resigned over revelations that he discussed sanctions with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak weeks prior to the inauguration, a violation of the Logan Act, and then misled U.S. officials about the conversations. But the administration desperately wants to earn back the public’s affections. So several cabinet members offered to share their Valentine’s Day advice with America.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Trump Threatens to Call in Feds After Nordstrom Attacks Ivanka
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On February 2, Nordstrom announced that it would stop carrying merchandise produced under Ivanka Trump’s label because of poor performance and declining sales. Just days later, the president fired back at the luxury retailer for dropping his daughter’s brand. The bizarre reaction drew fire from critics who accused Trump of violating ethics rules, using his office to settle business disputes and for abandoning an intelligence briefing to chastise the prominent department store. However, as Sean Spicer told the press, Nordstrom’s decision was a personal attack on the president -- a felony crime that warranted an immediate response. Since then, millions of Americans have rallied behind the treasonous company, forcing Trump to issue a warning on Thursday that he may “call in the Feds.”
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Unveils Common NeuroCore Standards
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence made history by casting the tie-breaking vote that would confirm Betsy DeVos as the nation’s education secretary. Those in Congress who opposed DeVos’ nomination cited her lack of experience in the educational sector, exclusive private schooling and absence of a degree in an academic field. DeVos argued that the American education system is broken and needs rebuilding. “I don’t have any qualifications or relevant degrees or knowledge of public schools or any meaningful experience whatsoever,” she said. “And you put me in charge. That shows how intellectually compromised we are as a nation. The only answer is to destroy the system and await the glorious rapture of a new, blessed kingdom of alternative learning.” DeVos has already proposed radical reforms, including the introduction of a virtual cognitive enhancement process called Common Neurocore, loosely based on Britain’s Ludovico Technique, which “retrains the brain.”
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