Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Dentist Says Trump Demanded Extraction of Monitoring Device in Tooth


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.

Trump Kicks Wiretapping Critics in the Teeth

On March 4, President Donald Trump hurled a volley of shocking allegations against Barack Obama, accusing the nation’s former leader of wiretapping Trump Tower campaign offices prior to the election. Despite an absolute lack of evidence to support the claim, Trump not only stood by his assertions this week, he went on to implicate British intelligence in the apparent conspiracy. A spokesperson for U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May chided Trump’s statements, describing the GCHQ spy agency’s role in illicit surveillance of a U.S. official as “ridiculous.”

During Monday’s meeting with the House Intelligence Committee, FBI Director James Comey refuted all charges that wiretapping procedures were carried out, as the Atlantic reported:

“I have no information that supports those tweets,” Comey told Representative Adam Schiff of California, the top Democrat on the committee who had read several of Trump’s charges aloud to him. He went on to explain that he had surveyed his entire department and was told that the answer was “the same for the Department of Justice and all its components: The department has no information that supports those tweets.”

Comey did, however, confirm that the Department of Justice has engaged in a counterintelligence mission to investigate Russia’s attempts to interfere with the 2016 election, which would involve uncovering the “nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump campaign and the Russian government, and whether there was any coordination between the campaign and Russia’s efforts.”

Admiral Mike Rogers, director of the National Security Agency (NSA), flatly denounced Trump’s insinuation that Britain was also involved in espionage during the campaign. His assessment of the situation ran in stark contrast to Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s continued warnings about allied eavesdropping. In his characteristically brusk and intense demeanor, Rogers replied forcefully to the question of whether his agency had ordered British officials to tap Mr. Trump: “No, sir. Nor would I. That would be expressly against the construct of the Five Eyes agreement that has been in place for decades.”

The Five Eyes refers to an international agreement under which Washington and London (along with a trio of other close allies) agree not to spy on one another.

Just as Trump has refused to relinquish his hold on the conspiracy, White House counselor Kellyanne Conway has continued her defense. After the intelligence hearings, she remained undeterred in her opinion that the Obama administration’s surveillance of Trump was orchestrated using innocuous household appliances such as microwave ovens. She double-downed by offering what the Huffington Post called “a very simple explanation for this phenomenon two days later: ‘He’s the president of the United States. He has information and intelligence that the rest of us do not.’” In short, Trump is a time-traveling soldier sent here to save the world from annihilation.

Trump vs. Army of the 12 Sand Monkeys

On Tuesday, Dr. Cornelius Zahnarzt, a prominent dental professional who serves an elite clientele, told reporters that President Trump had scheduled an emergency visit for a most unusual extraction.

“Mr. Trump called my secretary, somewhat panicked, and said he needed a tooth removed immediately,” Dr. Zahnarzt said. “After an initial examination, I could see that the tooth in question had previously been fitted with a crown, but was otherwise healthy. Typically, it would be unorthodox to remove it. Then, Mr. Trump explained -- and I’m not sure how to put this -- that people 39 years in the future had sent him into the past using a rudimentary and unreliable time machine. He claimed that they monitor him by some sort of surveillance device, like a microchip, embedded in one of his molars.”

According to the fantastic account Trump unveiled to Dr. Zahnarzt, a deadly virus will be released toward the end of 2017, which will obliterate nearly all humans across the globe, forcing the survivors to construct a new society underground. The scant information available to future Trump, presumably his true present, indicated that an extremist group known as the Army of the Twelve Sand Monkeys may have orchestrated the apocalyptic event.

In the world of 2055, Donald Trump has been imprisoned, wrongly, for a variety of crimes that include treason, discriminatory hiring practices, eugenics, the illegal incarceration of minorities, financial fraud, the legal enslavement of women, sordid sex crimes against minors and eventually genocide. In exchange for his freedom, future Trump must volunteer to identify the virus and the organization responsible for its distribution in 2017.

The frazzled president told Dr. Zahnarzt that Barack Obama II, Malia’s eldest son, and Theresa May, the granddaughter of Britain’s current prime minister, will rise to power in the late 2040s. There, they lead a shady quasi-government whose cabinet members become obsessed with egalitarian social order, an unreasonable reliance on science over faith, terrifying universal health care, and a demented need to go back in time and fix the mistakes of a fascist regime, which they believe to have sown its seeds in 2016.

“He spun some pretty wild tales,” Dr. Zahnarzt said. “He emphasized that the machine often sent him back to the wrong years -- every year in history, in fact, since 1946. At one point, around 2005, Mr. Trump told me that he encountered a homeless man, who was also a fellow time traveler. The hobo informed Mr. Trump about the surveillance chip in his teeth. I can recall the conversation, which I think Mr. Trump was using to justify his p***y grabbing comments.”

Man: Where’d they send you?

Trump: 2005

Man: ‘05! How was it? Good drugs? Lots of p***y? Hey, Don, you do the job? You find out the big info? Army of the 12 Sand Monkeys?

Trump: I was supposed to be in 2017.

Man: Science ain’t an exact science with these clowns but, they’re getting better. You’re lucky you didn’t end up in Mexico or Iran. They would’a raped you and stolen your job and made you breed with dirty brown people, Don.

The dentist also said that Mr. Trump could communicate with his future overseers by leaving an answering machine message in the present with a carpet cleaning business in Philadelphia.

“As far as the virus itself, that gets even stranger,” Dr. Zahnarzt explained. “Through some unlikely infusion of drugs, this virus turns people into homosexual Islamists with an unwavering belief in the philosophies of Ayn Rand. So the world population will transform into selfish, poor-shaming, self-loathing, anarchist, suicide-bombing jihadists who sodomize anyone and everyone to satisfy their unfettered self interests. And if, during the course of this sanctioned raping and pillaging, they sustain injuries, they demand to be treated by the same government assistance programs they condemned while healthy.”

Dr. Zahnarzt confirmed that he removed Trump’s suspicious tooth but found no evidence of any technology in the filling.

“I called my wife after the president left and told her the whole story,” he said. “She laughed and hinted that he may have confused his personal narrative with a science fiction film. I guess the picture in question ends with the Trump character desperately trying to get back to Florida. And I thought, wow, maybe there’s something to all this. But my wife wouldn’t entertain the idea. She just mentioned that if Trump’s story is sincere, and the events play out the same, we can take comfort in knowing that he won’t be in office by the end of the year.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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