Thursday, March 16, 2017

Trump Budget Slashes Tires of Meals on Wheels, Solves ACA Death Panel Failure


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

Spring Cleaning: Decluttering a Hoarder Nation of Waste

The United States, administration officials reminded us on Wednesday, reached its greatness through periods of conflict. “The Greatest Generation, they came from World War II,” a GOP spokesperson said. “It says ‘greatest’ right in the name. Those men and women sacrificed for the preservation of the country’s values, prosperity and peace. Many of the surviving members of the group voted for Trump.”

With his budget strategy, which slashes funding for Meals on Wheels, financial assistance and health care programs for the elderly, Trump is calling on these heroes to sacrifice themselves once again. This final solution to the economic question will create new employment opportunities for Millennials within the military, realize the failed goals of Obamacare’s Death Panels and clear a path for America’s youth.

Most of the recommended cuts and department closures, Trump advisers explained, affect outdated bureaucracies or federal agencies that have historically hindered business growth. Consider the EPA’s Clean Power Plan. The socialist Obama initiative sought to reduce carbon emissions from energy plants. In doing so, it essentially subsidized an eco-friendly and sustainable source of fuel that would lead to massive unemployment for coal miners, hydroelectric technicians, nuclear scientists and others. What would Obama have expected them to do? Apply their skills to wind and solar?

The Great Lakes Restoration Initiative may also be shuttered. The effort uses government money to clean the sources of drinking water for 35 million Americans. But with nearly a tenth of the U.S. population benefiting from freely available, potable water, companies like Nestle, which drive major portions of the economy through bottled water and other beverage products, could suffer catastrophic financial losses. That would open the doors to rampant joblessness, plummeting stock prices and deficiencies in consumerism. Alleviating these outrageous curbs, Trump believes, will prevent the end of the United States as a global market leader.

Other non-essential headaches for taxpayers will also face the axe or operate under constrained budgets, as CNN reported.

The National Institutes of Health budget would be cut by $5.8 billion, meaning it would lose about 20%. The Environmental Protection Agency would face $2.6 billion in cuts, that's 31% of the agency's budget. The Department of Energy would lose $900 million, or about 20% of its budget. Health and Human Services would see a $15.1 billion or 18% budget cut; as part of that, it shifts costs to industry from the Food and Drug Administration budget. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration would face an 18% budget cut.

The Military Industrial Complex Complex

Preserving the nation’s cultural heritage and protecting citizens from daily terror attacks -- such as those in Atlanta, Bowling Green, Orlando, Paris and Sweden -- is a major priority for Trump. On February 24, the president declared that he would boost the budget to fuel one of the “greatest military buildups in American history.”

Under the most recent fiscal year reporting, defense spending in the United States totaled $548 billion. Trump’s call for another $54 billion, the Congressional Budget Office said, represents a rise of 9.2 percent. However, as stated in his 100-Day Plan, Trump pledged to reduce the burden on taxpayers by slashing spending elsewhere.

During November’s Veterans Day commemorations, Trump described the critical importance of the U.S. Armed Services, not just as a first line of defense against terrorists and emigrating Mexicans, but as the most sweeping system of jobs creation and education. In his address, Trump honored veterans by promising to create millions more.

“America’s veterans are the glue that holds this nation together,” he said. “Right behind realtors, casinos, banks and oil companies. Under my charge, they will never be forsaken or abandoned. My foreign policy strategy relies exclusively on the military. A huge military. Like, bigger than North Korea’s. More enlisted men than civilians, is what I mean. We’re ramping up. We’re taking over. I plan on going into Syria, China, North Korea, Mexico, Canada and the whole of the Middle East within the next four years.”

“These efforts demand an expansion of the military by 1,000 percent,” Trump added. “I said I would be the greatest jobs creator God has ever seen, and I meant it. Our initiatives will open up jobs for every American in all branches of the service. I not only commit to taking care of our veterans, I plan on creating millions more.”

Meals on Wheels Are No Deals

At a news conference on Thursday, the president’s budget chief, Mick Mulvaney, praised the controversial cuts to senior aid programs -- specifically, Meals on Wheels. The Washington Post noted that Mulvaney defended the redirection of funds because the program is “just not showing any results.”

Meals on Wheels is a nonprofit group that receives funding from the federal government, state and local governments and private donors. “We serve more than 2.4 million seniors from 60 to 100+ years old each year,” the organization writes. “They are primarily older than 60 and because of physical limitations or financial reasons, have difficulty shopping for or preparing meals for themselves.”

Critics argued that countless reports, particularly a 2013 review of studies, found that these food delivery programs “significantly improve diet quality, increase nutrient intakes, and reduce food insecurity and nutritional risk among participants. Other beneficial outcomes include increased socialization opportunities, improvement in dietary adherence, and higher quality of life.” But Mulvaney’s team clarified that the very success of Meals on Wheels demonstrated its lack of favorable results.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely -- chairman of San Narciso’s Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- stressed the importance of rebalancing the “circle of life” and undoing the harm caused by former President Obama’s efforts to “play God.”

“With Obama’s Nazi-esque mandates for affordable drugs, access to medical treatments and food, Boomers and aging Gen Xers could become immortal,” said Olden-Whitely, 72-years-young. “They’re never going to leave their positions. Or die. Outside the chambers of Congress, the executive levels of federal governance, the c-suite of corporations, the Supreme Court and other senior leadership roles, there is no place for the elderly in the market. These indigent senior citizens are sucking up Social Security, taxpayer assistance, pensions and they are no longer fit to serve in the Armed Forces or learn how to hack computers. World War III is months away. We need to concentrate on indoctrinating young resources who will contribute to our victory on the physical and technological battlefields.”

Starving Out the Causes of ACA’s Botched Death Panels

Life expectancy in the United States has hit record highs. Mortality rates have declined. People are healthier and living longer, thanks to programs like Meals on Wheels. Because they are more mentally and physically vibrant, older Americans are hoarding jobs by refusing to exit the workforce graciously or die, as members of a polite society do.

One of the primary reasons for repealing the Affordable Care Act, Olden-Whitely stated, was to repair Obama’s failed Death Panel provisions. “The entire purpose of the Death Panels was to reform and eventually abolish welfare programs such as Social Security, Medicare and food stamps,” he emphasized. “In fact, by formalizing legislation to kill off old people, sick people, retards, cripples and other undesirables, Obamacare was supposed to remove the greatest strains on the tax system. That’s what Republicans were sold. It never materialized.”

In October 2013, the poorly conceived Death Panel option caused a fatal glitch in the ACA enrollment site, which led to its crash. During their testimony, the website’s contractors blamed the system’s shortcomings on unexpectedly high traffic that overwhelmed the servers. Users complained of difficulty signing on, completing death enrollment forms before errors timed out the process, and of the site’s inability to calculate accurate estimates for funeral costs. They also pointed out the federal government’s failure to address certain legal and logistical complexities involved in elective, third-party suicide services.

“While it wouldn’t be prudent for Trump to revisit Obama’s ineffective Death Panels, he can still find a way to realize the end goal by eliminating the subsistence programs elderly people rely on to perpetuate their ridiculously long, burdensome, expensive and resource-hogging lives,” Olden-Whitely said. “Slashing the tires of Meals on Wheels is a solid start. And for all the folks who are upset over the shutdown of the Environmental Protection Agency, they can take solace in the fact that fewer pollution-spewing vehicles will be on the road delivering food to needy seniors.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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