SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump honored Saint Patrick’s Day in his accustomed idiom by citing a Nigerian poem as a proverb of the Emerald Isle during a meeting with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny. The breakfast began, as The Washington Post explained, with a “cringe-worthy, mildly offensive Irish cliche in front of a room full of Irish people.” The event, hosted at the residence of Vice President Mike Pence, degenerated from there. Among the gaffes were Speaker Paul Ryan’s hoisting of a “despicable pint” of Guinness, which resembled a glass of fetid diarrhea, followed by outraged special needs advocates and lots of orange.
Trump’s Bizarre St. Patrick’s Day CelebrationAlthough a scant gathering of reporters remained present to capture some of Trump’s St. Patrick’s Day moments, the activities largely took place outside the view of media. The information described here was provided by an anonymous staffer inside the White House.
Vice President Pence kicked off the day by welcoming Prime Minister Kenny with, “Top of the morning!” Citizens of Ireland reminded Americans on social media that only cartoon leprechauns -- and Americans who are 166th a part Irish by some dint of ancestry -- use this expression. Trump allegedly ordered servers to cart in wheelbarrows of raw potatoes, believing the tubers to be a “rare delicacy” that had vanished from the Irish diet three centuries ago when pirates, calling themselves “potato phantoms,” plundered the land.
Later, Kenny presented Trump with a bowl of shamrocks, a longstanding tradition, to which the president said, “Better not, Jeff Sessions told me this stuff was almost as bad as heroin. That’s why he stopped supporting the KKK -- you know, for smoking pot. That’s just a terrible, terrible thing for Christian community leaders to do. Very sad example. So sad.”
Members of the visiting delegation also appeared shaken by the overwhelming abundance of orange decorations in the room, further observing that Trump had undoubtedly applied a fresh coat of spray-on tan that caused his entire being to radiate orange. One diplomat tried to educate the president on Ireland’s distaste for the color.
“Orange is a wonderful color,” Trump said, interrupting. “One of my favorites. I love oranges. They’re amazing. And the Irish flag has orange on it. So I thought it would be great to cover the room in the color that symbolizes Ireland’s brave struggle for independence. William of Orange, Oliver Cromwell, they were tremendous leaders. Great Irishmen. They spent a lot of time there, building a government. I have incredible respect for their accomplishments. They are some of my favorite role models, right after Andrew Jackson. These guys are a lot alike.”
Nigerian and Other ProverbsThe breakfast soon gave way to a luncheon, in which the president regaled Kenny with his favorite proverb from the country. “As we stand together with our Irish friends,” Trump said, “I’m reminded of an Irish proverb -- and this is a good one, this is one I like, I’ve heard it for many, many years and I love it: ‘Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.’”
Irish citizens flooded Twitter with confusion (“I’ve literally never heard this before,” some posted) and clarifications (the adage most likely came from a Nigerian poem, written by Albashir Adam Alhassan). Undeterred, Trump went on to quote a variety of other “proverbs” he has embraced. Oddly, none were Irish. The majority originated from cultural, ethnic, religious and racial groups that Trump finds repulsive.
- ”Words should be weighed, not counted.” Yiddish proverb, from Jewish people who are desecrating their own monuments to make Trump look bad.
- ”Do good and throw it in the sea.” Arab proverb, from Islamic terrorists who are attempting to destroy America through immigration.
- ”A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.” Welsh proverb. Prime Minister Kenny noted that Trump was “close” with that one, but failed to grasp the meaning. When Kenny suggested that the axiom may in fact provide an unflattering depiction of the president in light of his dubious claims and detrimental policies, Trump cryptically responded, “Oh, I know.”
- ”The most beautiful fig may contain a worm.” Zulu proverb. Trump recited this line twice, snickering each time. When pressed for an explanation, he told Kenny, “You know, right? Putting your worm in a juicy fig? You’re a powerful man. A celebrity. You can take all the figs the want. Just grab them by the p***y.”
- ”There is no shame in not knowing.” Russian proverb. The actual statement ends with, “The shame lies in not finding out.” A White House staffer informed Trump of the incomplete proverb. The president replied, “This is the proverb Vlad tells me all the time on the phone. He never mentioned a second part.”
Children with Down Syndrome Used as Performing LeprechaunsAccording to our source, the event’s conclusion spiralled into chaos when Trump surprised his Irish counterpart with a song and dance routine. Far from the ecstatic jigs of Riverdance, this stomach-churning display made Spinal Tap’s “Stonehenge” look respectable. Trump trotted out a group of little people costumed as leprechauns, which he constantly referred to as “magical midgets.” However, Kenny was keen to notice that instead of little people, Trump had assembled a classroom of children with Down Syndrome. Throughout the performance, Trump twitched and made faces and muttered silly noises, which recalled his insensitive and insolent imitation of Serge F. Kovaleski, a New York Times reporter with arthrogryposis.
After horrified Irish officials criticized the U.S. president’s hurtful demeanor, Trump clarified his antics as enjoying the spirit of the holiday, not mockery or hate: “I have nothing but sympathy for cripples. Even when Dad and I were refusing to hire minorities, we always made room for freaks and pinheads and gimps and dullards. Always hire the lame. They’re just amazing to watch.”
(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.