Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Trump Budget Ends Fascist Marine Sanctuaries, Saves Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Jobs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

Obama: Hitler of the High Seas

The Obama White House never failed to exercise dubious executive powers, kill thriving businesses and destroy free markets. As the Washington Post reported at the time, Obama’s order created the “world’s largest fully protected marine reserve in the central Pacific Ocean, demonstrating his increased willingness to advance a conservation agenda without the need for congressional approval.”

By expanding the Pacific Remote Islands National Marine Monument from 87,000 square miles to more than 490,000 square miles, Obama restricted more acres of federal land and sea by executive power than any other president in at least 50 years. And in another kidney punch to hard-working Americans, the policy designated a sprawling off-limits area for commercial fishing companies.

A year later, Obama attacked again by broadening the already overblown marine sanctuaries. That executive order allowed protections to extend into Hawaii, his accepted but largely disputed birthplace, encompassing more than half a million square miles. But the trouble-making 44th dictator of the United States was far from finished.

In September 2016, shortly before leaving office, Obama penned another independent directive to prohibit marine-based business, delivering one more crippling blow to the economy, the American consumer and the nation’s ability to compete internationally. The New York Times explained that Obama, having already seized the central and western Pacific, completed his ideological high seas’ blockade with the “Atlantic Ocean’s first United States marine monument, preserving an expanse of sea canyons and underwater mountains off the New England coast as he races to use his executive power to protect vast stretches of land and water before he leaves office.”

Although Donald Trump is loath to rely on unitary decision-making and executive orders -- preferring the input of government officials, Congress and the public -- he has found himself stymied by the autocratic mandates of Obama. The proposed budget represents Trump’s urgent need to repeal all of his predecessor’s dangerous policies. The aggressive blueprint will roll back progress on renewable energy and public health while hollowing out environment protections -- all impediments to growth.

“This is yet another example of how an imperial president is intent on taking unilateral action, behind closed doors, to impose new regulations and layers of restrictive red-tape,” said House Natural Resources Committee Chairman Doc Hastings (R-Wash.) in 2014. “Oceans, like our federal lands, are intended to be multiple-use and open for a wide range of economic activities that includes fishing, recreation, conservation and energy production.”

But Obama’s initiative not only halted the wheels of industry, it gave the United States domain over hundreds of miles of ocean. Rightfully invoking Godwin’s Law, Republicans opposed to the measure dubbed Obama “Hitler of the High Seas.”

Taking Back the Open Seas from Obama’s Piracy

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, chairman of San Narciso’s Tea Party faction -- the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE) -- called Obama’s last official abuse of power “possibly the most insane, rogue and devastating action this fascist has taken against American interests.”

By placing such a large expanse of ocean off limits, Obama immediately drove a fatal nail into the watery coffin of the U.S. fishing industry.

“The president and his wife are always going on and on about food shortages and feeding starving children and blah, blah, blah. But with this order, he’s stealing food right from under their noses,” Olden-Whitely said. “No more fish sticks, no more sushi, no more tuna salad sandwiches. And not only is he robbing Americans of vital food sources, he’s piling on to unemployment by putting fleets of fishermen out of work. It’s 1972 all over again, when Congress outlawed whaling.”

Even worse, the ocean sanctuaries prevent oil companies from drilling. Obama consistently vowed to end U.S. dependence on foreign oil throughout his presidency, yet by shuttering operations in the Pacific, America would be forced to begin purchasing even larger quantities of oil from abroad.

“How the heck does Mr. Obama think this move will solve our energy crisis?” Olden-Whitely exclaimed. “Oil drilling creates, well, oil. Fuel we desperately need to run the country. It also creates thousands of jobs. And when accidents happen -- when oil rigs explode or tankers sink, and millions of gallons of oil start spilling into the sea -- thousands of other jobs are created; somebody needs to clean up that mess. But now there won’t be a mess to tidy. Now all those people will be out of work, too. It’s tragic.”

Republican leaders assured voters that they, in cooperation with the Trump administration, will refuse to sponsor any motions that increase spending for oil produced overseas. They endorsed the wiser, more responsible alternative of starting another armed conflict with a sovereign, oil-rich nation in the Middle East -- plans that Steve Bannon is currently drafting.

Apart from the obvious perils of food and oil shortages, Olden-Whitely cautioned against another terrible threat facing the United States under existing Obama policies.

“What do we do with all our trash?” he asked bluntly. “We’re running out of places to dump garbage or dispose of toxic waste. Our landfills are reaching capacity, thanks in part to Obama protecting federal lands. Now he’s closing off one of our primary dumping grounds for rubbish and refuse. By the end of summer, our cities and parks and forests will look the Pacific trash vortex. It’s a horrifying sight to see, one that no American would welcome in his neighborhood. Thankfully, with all of cuts to federalist agendas and Nazi regulatory departments, Donald Trump will finally give these individuals a voice or a choice. Unlike Obama, who was busy protecting the environment instead of the country, Trump will put America first.”

Olden-Whitely added: “It was bad enough when Obama fancied himself king of America, only to leave office thinking he was King Neptune. I’m grateful the American public saw through that nonsense, booting him out in disgrace and with a legacy of failures.”

But the interpretations of Trump’s policies as anti-conservation are largely misgiven. His foremost concern is protecting business interests, American workers and the economy through measures that safeguard the planet’s resources more reasonably. On January 26, for example, Trump issued a “climate-friendly energy plan” to create jobs, restore a dying industry and provide low income families with affordable fuel and food: the resurrection of commercial whaling.

“And the best part is that nothing will go to waste,” the president said. “After extracting the ambergris from the fish [sic], the carcasses can be processed as a new culinary delicacy. You know, like sushi. Eskimos and Japs [sic] eat that stuff. They thrive on it. We’re talking about brown and yellow people who are so poor that they live in tents made out of ice cubes or weird paper houses. Seriously, I’ve got golf courses and stuff in Japan. A lot of slants [sic] live in these, sort of, origami apartments. So now we can feed our poor people, too, with whales. No more food stamps or government assistance.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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