Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Guinness World Records Names Air Force One Most Expensive Golf Cart


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until this year, high-end sports aficionados and leaders of the links prized the Garia Edition Soleil de Minuit as the most expensive golf cart to grace the greens. At a staggering $52,000, and manufactured in the same factory as Porsche and Aston Martin, the Soleil de Minuit was unsurpassed “in high end specifications, luxurious accessories, performance and therefore, price,” according to journalists at TheRichest. However as 2017 dawned, the so-called Carrera of the Course was dethroned by the Mansonry Prism Golf Cart, co-created by Garia, which sold for $69,000. On Wednesday, the Masonry Prism’s tenure turned out to be short-lived as Guinness named Air Force One the world’s most expensive golf cart.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Executive Order on Climate Change: Pipelines and Coal Could Create Tens of Jobs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Final construction of the Keystone XL pipeline resumed in January following President Trump’s success in clearing away political obstacles such as Native Americans. The project promises to create 35 permanent positions. The president’s latest executive order seeks to capitalize on those impressive employment figures by rolling back climate change policies that have hobbled the fossil fuel and coal mining industries. Analysts say this effort could create tens of jobs, which Trump hailed as “explosive double-digital growth.”

Monday, March 27, 2017

Second White House Intrusion: Devin Nunes Sneaks Onto Grounds, Undetected for Hours


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Just weeks after the Secret Service apprehended a schizophrenic man for illegally entering the White House grounds, another “bizarre” and “loopy” individual has come forward with an admission of bypassing security at the presidential estate. Authorities say this latest breach far exceeds the previous encounter because the suspect, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Rep. Devin Nunes, entered the Eisenhower Executive Office building, accessed privileged information and remained onsite for hours, without being detected. He is still free and at large.

Friday, March 24, 2017

HHS Appointee Fleming: Tattoos Appear Like Stigmata on Drug Users


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Prior to January 2017, John Fleming served as a representative for Louisiana’s 4th congressional district. More recently, he joined the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) as President’s Trump appointee for assistant secretary in charge of health technology. He answers to Secretary Tom Price. Fleming’s position garnered little, if any, media attention. But the public now wants to know how Fleming will help guide key health policies, given that Trump’s other cabinet picks have come under intense scrutiny. The answer may lie in Fleming’s 2006 book on adolescent addiction, which warns of the inextricable bond between counter-culture expressions -- including piercings, alternative music, modern fashion and tattoos -- and drugs, which appear like stigmata on those who sin against the white, 1950’s, American ideal that represents the Lord’s perfect realization of purity.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Health Care Overhaul Vote Delayed: Bill Lacks Hate and Discrimination Promised


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Following a day of drama, marathon meetings, intense discussions and combative posturing, the vote to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act (ACA) has been postponed until Friday. House Republicans must persuade at least 21 members of their caucus to support the bill, under the presumption that no Democrats will endorse it. However, 26 conservatives confirmed that they will vote against the current version of the American Health Care Act (AHCA). Four other Republicans stated they would likely oppose it. Despite concessions, the bill, derisively dubbed Obamacare Lite, “doesn’t begin to discriminate or hate hard enough,” opponents explained. “We were sold Mengele; what we got stank of Mother Teresa.”

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Trump Budget Ends Fascist Marine Sanctuaries, Saves Oil Spilling and Trash Dumping Jobs


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In September 2014, former President Barack Obama again abused his executive privileges by unilaterally issuing a series of measures to shelter parts of the ocean from businesses, pushing the United States closer to economic ruin and communism. The misguided marine sanctuaries protect wide regions of the central Pacific from fishing, oil exploration and waste disposal enterprises -- powerful market sectors that must be revived to repair Obama’s depressed economy and restore employment to “billions of out-of-work Americans,” according to President Trump. His recently released budget plan aims to overcome these setbacks. Trump’s morally motivated cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, and other environmental agencies, will seek to end the insidious “ecological fascism” that is eroding America’s greatness through the destruction of corporate fishing, oil spilling and trash dumping industries.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Dentist Says Trump Demanded Extraction of Monitoring Device in Tooth


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s insistence that allied powers are monitoring him surreptitiously has not relented. He has accused former President Obama and British spies of tapping his communications. In testimonies given Monday before the House Intelligence Committee, not a single U.S. investigative body found a shred of proof to validate the president’s explosive accusations. But in a stunning revelation Tuesday, a prominent D.C. dentist confessed that Trump scheduled an urgent appointment to have a “tracking device” extracted from his tooth. The president explained that he was a time traveler from the year 2055, who had been sent into the past to stop a virus that will wipe out most of humanity in 2017. Trump also clarified that Barack Obama and Theresa May -- or rather their direct, weirdly eponymous descendants -- lead the shadowy government cabal responsible for ordering his fourth-dimensional transit. They ostensibly surveil his activities through the dental implant.

Friday, March 17, 2017

A Trump Saint Patrick’s Day: Nigerian Poetry, Disabled Children and Lots of Orange


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump honored Saint Patrick’s Day in his accustomed idiom by citing a Nigerian poem as a proverb of the Emerald Isle during a meeting with Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny. The breakfast began, as The Washington Post explained, with a “cringe-worthy, mildly offensive Irish cliche in front of a room full of Irish people.” The event, hosted at the residence of Vice President Mike Pence, degenerated from there. Among the gaffes were Speaker Paul Ryan’s hoisting of a “despicable pint” of Guinness, which resembled a glass of fetid diarrhea, followed by outraged special needs advocates and lots of orange.

Police Dispatched to Inappropriate St. Patrick’s Day Children’s Pageant


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- San Narciso County loves a parade. Unfortunately, these affairs often end in panic, arson, animal cruelty, religious offense, accusations of racism and bloodshed. We painfully recall the rash of self-inflicted gunshot wounds and hangings that accompanied the botched Valentine’s Day “Misery Loves Company” event. Then there came the urgent demand to cancel a mime troupe from performing at the 2016 Christmas Parade, given the lawful right of residents to carry weapons in public -- a mandate that arrived tragically late. Of course, few of us will ever forget Mayor Manny DiPresso’s heart-wrenching, Hindenburg-esque speech during the parade’s terrifying conclusion: “My dreams will forever be haunted by the sound of children screaming, dogs heaving and the eerie, guttural retching of the mule before it vomited out one of its internal organs.” It should then come as no surprise that parents summoned police to Friday’s pageant at Our Lady of Perpetual Whapping, called “St. Patrick Beats the Naughty Snakes from Ireland’s Trousers.”

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Trump Budget Slashes Tires of Meals on Wheels, Solves ACA Death Panel Failure


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President Trump’s proposed budget, “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again,” may seem austere and disproportionately attuned to the needs of the military industrial complex, but the White House views its hardline approach as a “compassionate” and deeply patriotic plan, even though it eliminates funding for the arts, sciences, environment, education, healthcare and geriatric support programs such as Meals on Wheels. Trump’s cabinet assured the public that the new blueprint will restore America to the days of its past grandeur: a time of epic wars with foreign powers, a thriving economy based on defense spending and more reasonable limits on the lifespans of persistently lingering seniors who are depriving the nation’s underemployed Millennials of greater opportunities.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

No Beauty in Disney’s Gay Beast: Family Values Group to Release 'Godly' Remake


EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- It’s not often that a Walt Disney picture courts controversy, but the once beloved hallmark of family entertainment deserves the backlash it has invited for the upcoming “Beauty and the Beast” live-action film. The crux of the outrage stems from Disney’s flagrant promotion of an “exclusively gay moment.” Yes, a production house that formerly pushed family values is now threatening to destroy them. For what? A quick, tainted buck? As a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically and religiously conservative Republican community leader, I say we must act. It’s not enough that responsible theater owners, such as those in Alabama, are refusing to screen the thinly disguised pornography. The American Family Association (AFA), champions of virtue, are funding a wholesome remake that depicts the damnation, gruesome retribution and fiery terror that await same-sex sinners.

Monday, March 13, 2017

WikiLeaks Dump Is Cover-up for CIA Surveillance Using Microwave Ovens


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last Wednesday, WikiLeaks released a trove of documents, numbering in the thousands, that exposed a catalog of the CIA’s cyberspying capabilities. Intelligence officers scrambled to evaluate and suppress the damage during the chaotic aftermath. Investigators attributed the breach to a group of inside agents and contractors, but initially ruled out the involvement of a hostile foreign power. Among the disclosures was evidence that the CIA had developed hacking tools that could infiltrate any Internet-connected product, including Apple and Android devices. However, with Kellyanne Conway’s explosive admission that the Obama administration’s surveillance of Trump was orchestrated using innocuous household appliances, officials now suspect that the WikiLeaks revelations were spurious diversions to distract Americans from the real threat: microwave ovens.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Trump Honors International Women’s Day with Jobs for Chinese Escorts


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Bill Clinton was once referred to as America’s “first black president” by Nobel prize-winning author Toni Morrison and Sen. Bernie Sanders. Barack Obama, according to respected Republican pundits, was the nation’s second black president and the first foreign-born Islamic jihadist to occupy the White House. Our latest commander-in-chief has demonstrated a lifetime of profound respect and passion for women. It would be insulting not to brand Trump the country’s “first female president.” And this International Women’s Day, his global ambitions were realized as China approved 38 Trump business trademarks, including one for escort services. “With this terrific deal, we can help get Chinese women out of the sweatshops and into the glamorous, lucrative field of prostitution,” the president said, wiping a proud tear from his eye.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Carson Cites Slaves and Trump’s Grandfather as Deportation Success Stories


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Monday, Ben Carson made his official debut as the head of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) by extolling the virtues of immigration as reflective of the American dream and the nation’s core values. The address was ironic. Carson made his statements on the same day that President Trump issued another executive order to reinstate the controversial travel ban. He also drew fire for comparing slaves to pilgrims in search of a better life abroad. Carson’s remarks seemed at odds with the president’s insistence on pressing for extreme vetting and mass deportations. Liberal media also seized the opportunity to publish a letter written by Trump’s grandfather, Friedrich, in which he implored Prince-Regent Luitpold of Bavaria not to deny his citizenship. But in a surprising statement on Tuesday, Trump used both examples to illustrate the benefits of deportation.

Monday, March 6, 2017

Wiretap Exposes Trump Ties to Russia: Victim of Nigerian-style Email Scam


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Twittersphere erupted in a calamitous fusillade of angry posts on Saturday by President Donald Trump, who accused former President Barack Obama of ordering a Nixon-era wiretap on the Trump Tower offices in October. Legal experts pointed out several problems with the chief executive’s understanding of wiretapping protocols. Only a federal judge can authorize such an action, and only when a preponderance of evidence suggests criminal wrongdoing or treason -- in this case, the supposed collusion between Trump team members and operatives in Moscow. However, in a stunning revelation on Monday, undisclosed sources from the National Security Agency (NSA) verified a connection but cautioned that Trump and his colleagues may be innocent of treason. The current opinion is that the real estate magnate, in a desperate ploy to save his dwindling fortune, fell victim to a Nigerian email-type scam that originated in Russia.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Attorney General Sessions Most Qualified to Lead Russia Inquiry of Sen. Sessions


EDITORIAL: REFUSE TO RECUSE -- Yet to complete a full month in his new role, Attorney General Jeff Sessions has found himself embroiled in controversy for failing to disclose at his confirmation hearing two conversations in 2016 with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. On Thursday, amid a flurry of outrage from partisan Democrats, who called for his resignation, some timid Republicans caved to political pressure and suggested that Sessions recuse himself from the investigation into alleged ties between the Kremlin and the White House. The attacks against one of America’s most lauded legislators stinks of the same “much ado about nothing” indignation that arose from an innocent photo of Kellyanne Conway attempting to locate Frederick Douglass during an Oval Office meeting with black higher education leaders. There are countless inconsistencies that lawmakers are ignoring. In fact, Attorney General Sessions is the most qualified person to oversee inquiries into the actions of Senator Sessions. He alone has critical information that remains hidden from others.
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