Thursday, May 30, 2013

U.S. Mayors Hire Rob Ford's PR Team to Boost Exposure Through Newsworthy Scandals

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until 10 days ago, most Americans had never heard of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Which seems unusual given his astounding track record of disregarding political correctness in favor of making blunt, often weird statements such as implying bicyclists who are killed on roadways deserve their fates for having the gall to use thoroughfares intended for motor vehicles, or that "Oriental people work like dogs… I'm telling you, the Oriental people, they're slowly taking over." To his credit, Ford didn't go so far as to say "Oriental people" eat dogs. But there's always next week. Now, some media are reporting the existence of a homemade video that captures scenes of Ford enjoying crack cocaine. But instead of calling for his ouster, Ford's constituents seem to be defending him, and his popularity and notoriety have noticeably increased. Scandal, it would seem, is a mystical oven that bakes contradictions into delicious pies of irony . And lesser-known political figures in the United States want a slice.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

John McCain Discovered in Syria Searching for Houses He Owns But Can't Remember

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Aging legislator John McCain (R-Ariz.) stunned his family Monday when he revealed in a Twitter post that he had crossed the border into war-ravaged Syria where he met with rebels who are fighting to overthrow the tyrannical regime of Bashar Hafez al-Assad, the country's dictator. McCain's daughter, Meghan, admitted that she learned of her father's whereabouts only after discovering his tweet. She posted in response: "Nothing quite like finding out via twitter that my father secretly snuck into Syria and met with rebel leaders." The 76-year-old senator appeared dazed and incoherent when asked how he wound up more than 7,000 miles from Arizona, but indicated that he had been searching for one of his many homes, the exact number and locations of which he famously can't remember.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Devastating Tornado and Blitzer's Rhetorical Questioning Render Oklahoma Women Faithless

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- An old adage holds that there are no atheists in foxholes. There certainly aren't any in FOX News. But as CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer unwittingly discovered, they do seem to thrive in the chaos of category EF5 twisters. Blitzer asked a clever survivor if she had thanked God for her life-saving decision making abilities and personal fortitude. She responded that she was an atheist. In a bizarre twist to the story, however, nearly all the women who spoke with CNN personnel Tuesday confessed that the combination of the natural disaster and the hollow, mechanical prattle of the network's reporters had rendered them faithless.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Senators Inhofe and Coburn Give Up Congressional Benefits to Protest Big Government

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Oklahoma's two Republican senators, James Inhofe and Tom Coburn, have found themselves in a prickly political conundrum over the issue of federal relief for the devastating tornado that leveled a 20-mile swath around Oklahoma City, flattening neighborhoods and destroying an elementary school in storm-prone Moore. President Obama promised immediate aid to the ravaged state, but the federal government's assistance draws attention to the hypocrisy of Senators Inhofe and Coburn who, unlike Rep. Tom Cole (R-Okla.), voted against relief funds for the East Coast after Hurricane Sandy. But in a brave and rare gesture on Wednesday, these GOP senators put their money where their mouths are. Both men announced that they would be shunning the federal benefits accorded them as congressmen to show solidarity for their staunch belief in limited government and minimal taxes.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Google Glass Privacy Concerns Lead Lawmakers to Investigate 1960s X-Ray Specs

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Eight members of the Congressional Bi-Partisan Privacy Caucus published an open letter to Google CEO Larry Page on Monday to address privacy concerns with the company's smartphone-like eyeglasses, Google Glass. Currently, a few thousand software developers, early adopters and hand-selected beta testers are putting the new technology through its paces. But the device's ability to record anything the user sees and hears, ostensibly without notice, leaves digital privacy and etiquette advocates apprehensive. Lawmakers are requesting Page to outline Google's plan for incorporating privacy protections into the device by mid-June. Google, however, is not being singled out, although its product has become the catalyst for these investigations, lawmakers admitted. They are also launching congressional probes into the manufacturers of older devices, the most controversial being the maker of X-Ray Specs, a popular American novelty item from the 1960s that allows wearers to see through structures, skin and women's clothing, according to ads.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Eric Holder Seizes Records from Wikipedia, Blogs and Nostradamus eBook Publishers

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As new details emerge about the Justice Department's unsettling encroachment on the freedom of the press, which involved secret searches of electronic records belonging to Associated Press (A.P.) employees, the more dubious and overblown the government's rationale appears. In fact, The A.P. and the Obama administration had discussed the piece in question prior to its publication, although The A.P. broke the story a day before the White House planned an official announcement. "Any details about potential disasters, terrorism or government operations that make their way to the American people before proper scrutiny and validation are considered potential risks to life and limb," Attorney General Eric Holder said. On Wednesday, after what administration insiders described as an acute panic attack, an increasingly paranoid Holder seized all the records from Wikipedia, Britannica Online, countless personal blogs and three publishing houses that sell the writings of Nostradamus.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Congress Members Abruptly Cancel LinkedIn Memberships

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- LinkedIn, the prominent social network aimed at working professionals, updated its user agreement Monday and added a provision banning subscribers from soliciting or offering services deemed prostitution. Under a section entitled "Don't undertake the following," LinkedIn admonished its members not to "upload, post, email, InMail, transmit or otherwise make available or initiate any content that: Even if it is legal where you are located, create profiles or provide content that promotes escort services or prostitution." In what company representatives called an unrelated coincidence, nearly all male members of Congress dropped their LinkedIn accounts, stating they no longer found value in the service. Agents from the U.S. Secret Service also reportedly canceled their subscriptions on Monday, citing similar reasons.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Anthropologist Says Jamestown Cannibalism Early Attempt to Cure Homosexuality

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Archaeologists disclosed on May 1 that they had discovered the first conclusive evidence to support theories that settlers in the Jamestown, Va., colony resorted to cannibalism. Historians throughout the years have speculated that America's early colonists turned to this gruesome practice as a way to survive harsh conditions given the scarcity of resources in the New World. But recent findings from scientists at San Narciso College suggest cannibalism may have been practiced more routinely as a means to cure homosexuality -- not as a desperate attempt to fight starvation. "Considering the almost non-existent references to gays in colony annals, Jamestown may have been onto something," said Dr. Welles Snarling, the project leader and head of the university's School of Religious Anthropology.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

After 5-Year-Old Shoots Sister, NRA Demands Removing Age Restrictions for Gun Owners

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite recent massacres, heated political rhetoric and calls to action, gun-related violence in the United States continues to escalate. Advocates for stricter regulations cite this disturbing trend as proof that more controls are needed to curb the threat. Those in favor of abolishing all limitations on weapons ownership point to the same trend as evidence that more people need access to military grade assault weapons to protect themselves from the swelling menace, echoing the National Rifle Association's (NRA) assertion that only "good guys with guns can stop bad guys with guns." But the dynamics of the debate changed in April with the gruesome advent of four- and five-year-old shooters. Conservative lawmakers, backed by the NRA, are now demanding compulsory gun ownership for any child over the age of two, whose parents are legal residents of the United States.

Copyright © 2014 The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. Template Designed by OddThemes - WP Themes