SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Until this year, high-end sports aficionados and leaders of the links prized the Garia Edition Soleil de Minuit as the most expensive golf cart to grace the greens. At a staggering $52,000, and manufactured in the same factory as Porsche and Aston Martin, the Soleil de Minuit was unsurpassed “in high end specifications, luxurious accessories, performance and therefore, price,” according to journalists at TheRichest. However as 2017 dawned, the so-called Carrera of the Course was dethroned by the Mansonry Prism Golf Cart, co-created by Garia, which sold for $69,000. On Wednesday, the Masonry Prism’s tenure turned out to be short-lived as Guinness named Air Force One the world’s most expensive golf cart.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- If there are two qualities about Donald Trump that stand out, they are his penchant for braggadocio and his love of golf. Despite statements to the contrary, Trump frequently assures the American people and his nemeses in the press that he is an intelligent overachiever, with an exemplary academic record and IQ score to back up the claim. However, doubts abound. The universities Trump attended show no honors, meritorious distinctions or noteworthy grades. On Tuesday, a psychologist from San Narciso College emerged to clarify the discrepancy. “I looked at the president’s latest IQ test and discovered that he’s interpreting it the same way he would a golf score -- from an amazing round of golf. I mean, like, record-breaking.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- For the second time in the nation’s soccer-obsessed history, Brazil saw its hopes of winning a World Cup on home soil dashed. After waiting 64 years and spending nearly $11 billion to host the tournament, Brazil’s forces proved no match for the powerful German blitz. Before 30 minutes had elapsed, invading German troops had launched five successful offensives against Brazil, eventually trampling the host country by a score of seven to one. Sources reported that some Brazilians managed to escape the occupation in tears around halftime, before the Germans razed the area in what was trumpeted as “the final solution to the FIFA problem.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Donald Sterling saga reached another fascinating milestone on Friday when two neurologists told CNN they had deemed the disgraced 80-year-old Clippers owner mentally incapacitated. The NBA unleashed its harshest punishment against Sterling in April, issuing a lifetime ban and a $2.5 million fine. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mistress, which she took public. Sterling is now suing the NBA for $1 billion. Some news agencies reported that the neurologists attributed Sterling’s bigoted comments to his mental impairment, but the doctors confirmed Monday that their assessments were based on Sterling’s squandering of billions for one of the NBA’s worst teams.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- NBA Commissioner Adam Silver unleashed the association’s harshest punishment against Clippers owner Donald Sterling on Tuesday, issuing a lifetime ban and levying a $2.5 million fine, the maximum financial penalty permitted by the league. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mixed-race mistress, which she took public. On a recording released by TMZ, a man and woman -- presumably Sterling and his girlfriend V. Stiviano -- fought about Stiviano’s Instagram photos in which she frequently appeared posing with African Americans. Sterling on Wednesday maintained his defense, going so far as to declare himself the Thomas Jefferson of Basketball, but surprisingly admitted that he may unintentionally have been guilty of reverse racism. “If you look at the ethnic composition of the team, which is mostly colored, it’s clear to me now that I unfairly excluded whites from the sport.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- As the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia, approach, security consultants and State Department officials have warned travelers that these may be the most dangerous games in their lifetimes. House Homeland Security Committee Chairman Michael McCaul (R-Texas) told media that "the security threat to the Olympics, this particular Olympics, is the greatest I've seen." The upcoming events have also been clouded by Russia's renewed stance against homosexuality. Phil Robertson, the outspoken and suddenly political television personality from "Duck Dynasty," also chimed in on the issue, urging Americans on Tuesday to avoid attending the Sochi Olympics in light of the threat. "We all know what's going down in the USSR -- the gay menace will descend on Russia to sabotage what were once goodwill games for straight athletes, all because Russia had the stones to do what America wouldn't -- protect its children from glorifying these perverted, sin-loving heathens," he said.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Racists aren't actually racist, say two prominent racists embroiled in recent controversies over comments they made about people of varying ethnic and racial backgrounds. For the past week, Miami Dolphins guard Richie Incognito, whose public shaming has made him anything but incognito, has suffered at the epicenter of a scandal that involves allegations of hate speech beyond the already questionable hazing rituals in the world of professional sports. Then Richard Cohen, The Washington Post's reliably gauche and humorless columnist, candidly explored the "conventional" American's vomitous reaction to miscegenation, which endures in this century as a sort of societal emetic.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Two seemingly unrelated stories out of North Korea converged Tuesday to reveal a disturbing link, as former NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman announced another bizarre visit to Kim Jong-un immediately after an English language newspaper in South Korea, citing unnamed sources, broke a jarring story that claimed the Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea had ordered his girlfriend executed by firing squad. When asked about the reason for his third trip to Pyongyang, Rodman, whose life is riddled with legal problems from his failed marriages, said he planned to seek Kim's wisdom and advice on resolving complicated matters of the heart.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russia's stance toward LGBT rights has been checkered and tenuous throughout its history. After the fall of the Soviet Union, the new Russian Federation decriminalized male homosexual acts in 1993, but laws protecting people against discrimination and harassment on the basis of sexual orientation remain nonexistent. Same sex unions are also unrecognized in the country. In June 2013, Russia took another step backward in defending and promoting the rights of gays by passing a federal bill that bans the distribution of "propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations" to minors, using heavy fines, threats of imprisonment and overly broad interpretations to punish violators. The new law, signed by President Vladimir Putin, will be enforced during the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi. The announcement provoked outcry from athletes around the world. On Thursday, the situation soured further when the Russian Sports Ministry declared its refusal to allow a series of traditional events at the competition.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The professional sports establishment has been an influential force for breaking down barriers over the years. The most obvious being the race barrier. But on Monday, NBA center Jason Collins shattered one of the final impediments when he announced his homosexuality, becoming the first openly gay male athlete to do so while being active in a major team sport. Other players have waited until their retirements to reveal their sexual orientations. Public reactions to Collins' disclosure spanned all ends of the spectrum, from support to condemnation. And not surprisingly, leaders of the Westboro Baptist Church -- the Almighty's constant gardeners, who root out the sinful weeds of homosexuality wherever they take hold -- were there. The extremist Christian sect said it will launch its most elaborate protest yet -- by forming its own pro basketball team.

Voight-Kampff Machine

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- "Blade Runner" Oscar Pistorius is suspected of killing his model girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp, after claiming she failed something called a Voight-Kampff test. Police psychologists have been brought into the investigation, and are desperately trying to figure out what a Voight-Kampff test is or does. The celebrated South African couple, according to their public Twitter posts, were anticipating a romantic Valentine's Day. Steenkamp, 29, encouraged her followers to "get excited" about the holiday. But Pistorius' tweets turned more ominous, boasting of his marksmanship at a shooting range. The double-amputee Olympian issued no public statement, but authorities have said he is cooperating with the investigation. They also admitted that Pistorius, 26, seems to believe -- and has alluded to being -- some sort of government agent on a clandestine mission to detect potentially harmful androids, which he calls "replicants," manufactured by a large technology company in Johannesburg.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After suspending Independent journalist Guy Adams' Twitter account, under dubious reasoning and at the behest of NBC, Twitter Inc. announced Tuesday the restoration of Adam's account. The decision came after public outcry and a well-reasoned explanation from Adams about accusations that he released the private email address of NBC's Olympics president Gary Zenkel. On Monday, Adams acted as a mouthpiece for millions of frustrated viewers when he posted, "The man responsible for NBC pretending the Olympics haven't started yet is Gary Zenkel. Tell him what u think! Email: Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com." Adam's critical tweet came in response to Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com's decision to delay broadcasting the opening ceremonies of the games by six hours. NBC Sports spokesman Christopher.mccloskey@nbcuni.com (whose phone number and email are published on NBC's site) was contacted by Twitter after Adams posted disparaging tweets about the network, prompting NBC to file a complaint with the social media site to protect their executive. Although Twitter issued an apology and reinstated Adam's privileges, Gary.zenkel@nbcuni.com has filed a series of additional complaints with other companies -- including NBC, Google and "whoever owns the Internet" -- that allow the filthy rabble of hoi polloi to contact him.

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Alexander Dale Oen, the pride of Norway, took the world swimming championship just a year ago and served as a symbol of resilience and optimism in the aftermath of the horrendous massacre that rocked his homeland. Three days before Oen's victory, Anders Breivik ironically killed 77 of his own countrymen using tactics inspired by al Qaeda to protest Muslim terrorism. Norwegians had harbored high hopes of Oen earning a medal in the upcoming London Olympics, but the 26-year-old swimmer was found dead Tuesday of cardiac arrest in an Arizona pre-Olympic training camp. His demise, when the Norwegian consulate was finally informed, dashed the renewed spirits of a nation still fragile and reeling from the attacks perpetrated by Breivik.

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jerry Sandusky, the disgraced former assistant football coach and resident pedophile at Penn State, will not be receiving more details from witnesses about the alleged sexual assaults, according to the judge's ruling Tuesday. Sandusky's defense attorney Joe Amendola said he will push to dismiss all counts against his client on the grounds of "lack of specificity." Sandusky is charged with sexually abusing 10 boys over a 15-year period. Amendola argued before the court that "if the commonwealth can't be more specific, the defendant can't adequately present their defense." But Judge John Cleland rebuffed Amendola's claim on two grounds: first, that additional details don't exist because the victims were children at the time of the incidents; and second, because the more graphic the testimonies became, the more aroused Sandusky appeared in court. One bailiff told reporters, "The defendant's demeanor was icky and creepy. I had to shower twice after court was dismissed, just to feel human again."

BELLEFONTE, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant football coach charged with over 50 criminal counts of sexual abuse against children, appeared in court Tuesday and then waived his right to a preliminary hearing. In doing so, Sandusky avoided a dramatic confrontation with the 11 witnesses present, which included a number of his alleged victims. Gasps could be heard throughout the courtroom when the judge announced the waiver. Some legal insiders interpreted Sandusky's decision as a sign that he might be considering a plea deal, even though the 67-year-old coach has maintained his innocence throughout the investigation. Deputy Attorney General Marc Costanzo said the waiver "helps the prosecution in a lot of ways," and that Sandusky's alleged victims would not have to testify twice in the case. But in an unlikely turn of events, a Twitter post from famed quarterback Brett Favre -- and Sandusky's rash response to it -- may have given the prosecution all the ammunition it needs to secure a conviction.

“It’s not about the terrible things these other people did, it’s about what Joe Paterno didn’t do.” -- PSU Board of Trustees

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Beleaguered Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno, had anticipated ending his career at the end of the 2011 season. But the university’s Board of Trustees made the decision for him when they fired the legendary coach late Wednesday night amid growing public furor over the school’s handling of a child sex abuse case. Although PSU administrators allowed Jerry Sandusky, Paterno’s assistant coach, to fellate and sodomize young boys on campus between 1994 and 2009, and while they turned a blind eye to Athletics Department officials who hindered investigations into the case, the Board decided that Paterno represented the greatest threat to PSU’s recovery and should therefore serve as the face of the child abuse scandal.

“He’s just bad luck,” Board members announced, reading from a prepared statement Thursday morning. “Voodoo. And we don’t need that kind of obstacle in our way as we try to move past this tragedy and destroy Nebraska on Saturday. Go Lions!”

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Joe Paterno’s nearly half-century career as head coach of the Penn State football team will end soon following a child sex abuse scandal involving his assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, who was arrested on seven counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse and numerous other charges, including aggravated indecent assault, corruption of minors and endangering the welfare of a child.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In learning of Mike Wallace’s amazing catch during Sunday’s game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals, which wowed fans across the country, our reporters could describe the spectacle only as a show stopping display of athleticism and surrealism. Halfway through the second quarter, with Pittsburgh repelled to its own five-yard line, Ben Roethlisberger fell back into his own end zone and hurled a deep pass to Wallace on the right sideline. Wallace, the 93-year-old former anchor of CBS staple “60 Minutes,” apparently caught the ball near the 40-yard mark and effortlessly sprinted up the sideline for a touchdown. Wallace ran over 95 yards, and Pittsburgh went on to win 32-20. When members of The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript asked CBS executives for their take on Mike Wallace’s presence in the game, they seemed puzzled and appalled. Sending the geriatric newsman into the game was a decision they chided as a “dangerous stunt.” Wallace’s age, struggles with health and complete inexperience as a professional athlete placed the journalism icon in a perilous position.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite delays due to unpaid parking tickets, a court commission in Los Angeles accepted Ron Artest’s petition to legally change his name. The Lakers forward had originally considered names such as “Cream Jesus,” “Girl Sushi Rebel,” “Wu Pang Loony Toontang” and “Tres Siete.” He eventually abandoned these names after teammates teased him about his lifelong obsession with dancing for the Wu tang klan. They also derided Artest as a “poser” for copying NFL wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, who popularized the concept of changing one’s name to match the number on one’s jersey.

Ron Artest will hereafter be known as Metta World Peace.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Jeff Gordon won his third season victory today at Atlanta Motor Speedway, the 85th of his career, but NASCAR fans throughout San Narciso County missed out on the celebrations. “I’m outraged,” snarled Irv Spurlott, a stock car enthusiast from Bennington Vale. “We got cheated, and I demand an explanation. If my wife hadn’t flipped over to the news, which was showing Gordon holding his trophy, I never would’ve known what was happening.”

Spurlott’s frustration was echoed by all NASCAR devotees in the county. George Newman, general manager of local cable provider RJ Fletcher Communications, issued a formal apology Tuesday evening for airing footage from freeway traffic cameras in place of the actual NASCAR race.