Monday, June 2, 2014

Neurologists Deem Donald Sterling Mentally Incapacitated...For Spending Billions on Awful Team

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The Donald Sterling saga reached another fascinating milestone on Friday when two neurologists told CNN they had deemed the disgraced 80-year-old Clippers owner mentally incapacitated. The NBA unleashed its harshest punishment against Sterling in April, issuing a lifetime ban and a $2.5 million fine. The decision came in the wake of racist remarks Sterling made to his mistress, which she took public. Sterling is now suing the NBA for $1 billion. Some news agencies reported that the neurologists attributed Sterling’s bigoted comments to his mental impairment, but the doctors confirmed Monday that their assessments were based on Sterling’s squandering of billions for one of the NBA’s worst teams.

”Every year, sympathetic sports analysts praise the Clippers for their potential while assuring fans that a positive shift is just around the corner,” one of the neurologists explained. “It’s been 41 years and fans are still waiting. Seriously, six winning seasons out of 41. That’s insane.”

Now Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly, who admitted courting offers for the team immediately after the NBA imposed its ban against her husband, confirmed that she has reached a $2 billion agreement with former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer for ownership of the Clippers.

“Mr. Ballmer’s offer of two billion for the Clippers, in my professional opinion, is bat-s**t crazy,” the neurologist said. “Given his psychotically extroverted antics, perpetual exuberance and complete lack of interest in his personal wealth, he may be more mentally incapacitated than the old racist. We plan to examine him soon, and I don’t expect he’ll be able to drive a motor vehicle, let alone manage a professional basketball team, after we’re finished.”

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