Thursday, July 6, 2017

Security Cited in July 4 NJ Beach Closure: Wildlife Activists Tried to Push Christie in Ocean


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Saturday, Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.), dubbed the least popular governor in America, ordered the state to close a taxpayer-funded beach during one of the busiest holiday celebrations of the summer. This weekend, revelers hoping to enjoy some sun and quality time on the sands of Island Beach State Park found the popular destination off limits -- to everyone but Chris Christie, who turned a public playground into his private Mar-a-Lago. Citizens of New Jersey erupted in fury after learning that miles of coastline would be roped off to accommodate Gov. Christie. But his aides explained that the governor’s “unnaturally immense stature” and past security incidents necessitated the action. “Last year, a horde of frantic children broke past security and desperately tried to push the governor into the water, screaming something about him being beached,”a spokesperson clarified.

Hefty Dose of Republican Apathy Takes Big, Fat Toll on New Jersey

Like the bridge shuttered by Christie in a vindictive political maneuver three years ago, the beach has become a new front in the scandalous battles that have plagued his administration. Even Lt. Gov. Kim Guadagno, a fellow Republican and Christie running mate, condemned the governor’s selfish, thoughtless exploitation of privilege at the expense of taxpayers.

“If I were governor, I sure wouldn’t be sitting on the beach if taxpayers didn’t have access to state beaches. It’s beyond words,” she posted to her Facebook account. “We need to end the shutdown now. It’s hurting small businesses and ordinary New Jerseyans. Instead of political games, Governor Christie, Speaker Prieto and Senate President Sweeney should pass a budget that delivers property tax relief and puts taxpayers first.”

Christie had initially denied visiting the empty beach. When first questioned about the incident and his alleged presence, he told reporters, “I didn’t. I didn’t get any sun.” Later, photos emerged showing Christie and his family relaxing on an unpopulated stretch of coastline. The evidence pressured the governor’s office to respond.

“It’s true that Governor Christie did not get any sun,” a reluctant spokesperson said. “Certainly, we know his wife and children didn’t, eclipsed in the long, cold shadow cast by planetary dimensions of the governor. Science also tells us that because of his sheer girth, most of his body was deprived of sunshine, as well. In fact, only the small objects orbiting his frame may have passed through occasional rays of light.”

The press official also pointed out several past encounters with concerned children, marine wildlife activists and environmental groups who mistook Christie for a beached whale. Although well-intentioned, their attempts to rush part security details and roll the bloated, nebulous mass of the governor into the ocean were generally interpreted as acts of terror.

Two years ago, a Surfrider volunteer was shot by police and three elementary school children sustained serious injuries when Christie’s body rolled back on top of them. Dozens of other beachgoers were trampled in the confusion.

From Bridgegate to Beachgate

In January 2014, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie became mired in scandal when revelations emerged that top aides in his administration orchestrated the politically motivated sabotage of the George Washington Bridge that September. Christie issued a brief public apology after the news broke, followed by two hours of self-indulgent, self-pitying and, at times, passive-aggressive assurances that he was “a very sad person.”

Emails published by the Bergen Record presented indisputable evidence that Christie’s top staffers and allies plotted to create four days of lane closures on the bustling connector between New Jersey and New York. Christie fired those responsible and denied any involvement in the incident. But nearly four months later, the dark cloud that rained ruin over his career continues to show no signs of dissipating. On Thursday, the embattled governor and former GOP presidential contender announced that he had commissioned an internal investigation into his possible abetting of “Bridgegate,” which ultimately cleared him of any wrongdoing.

”At great personal expense, I hired the law firm of Gibson, Dunn and Crutcher -- attorneys I know well and trust -- to help me investigate any involvement I may have had in the Bridgegate scandal,” Christie told reporters. “Two months and 344 pages later, we have concluded that I had nothing to do with the closure of the George Washington Bridge.”

Critics denounced the veracity of the findings, but Christie and his lawyers assured them that the report held the “Christie BMI equivalent” of legal weight.

“In fact, I think you could say that after 70 interviews and an in-depth analysis of 250,000 documents, our report is overweight -- morbidly obese with evidence,” the lead attorney said.

The closure of the beach this Independence Day, which also harmed the local economy and frustrated citizens, will likely be more difficult to dismiss. But Christie said he felt confident that his constituents would move past this setback faster than he could move up a small flight of stairs.

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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