Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Creator of the Big Mac, One of America’s Deadliest Poisons, Dies at 98


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Michael “Jim” Delligatti, the man who created the iconic Big Mac sandwich and unwittingly poisoned generations of Americans, died in his home Monday. He was 98. Though not the name or face most people associate with McDonald’s, Delligatti was the pioneer who perfected one of the fast food giant’s most recognizable items. He opened his first franchise in 1957. He came to own and operate an additional 47 chains, making him one of the largest franchise holders in the company’s annals. Not only did Delligatti introduce the nation to the Big Mac, he also proved instrumental in developing the equally infamous breakfast fare, making him one of the most prolific, albeit unintentional, killers in American history.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

American Legion Burns Thousands of Flags, Trump Demands Punishment


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Tuesday morning, President-elect Donald Trump once again seized the helm of social media to issue a stern warning, with severe repercussions, for American citizens attempting to exercise their right to free speech by burning a flag. “Nobody should be allowed to burn the American flag - if they do, there must be consequences - perhaps loss of citizenship or year in jail!” Trump tweeted. He forgot, however, that the United States Flag Code specifically calls for the fiery destruction of unserviceable flags. In fact, American Legion members immolated 2,000 retired flags in a ceremony this June. Trump has demanded that this “coven of cultists, fifth columnists and commie witches be rounded up and jailed.”

Monday, November 28, 2016

Thanksgiving Shoppers Trampled by Employees Rushing to Make Their Shifts


“Blackest Friday, blackest night; no joy shall grace our sight.” -- Sgt. Ren Williams, San Narciso Police, on the Black Friday carnage.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The pacific California hamlet of Bennington Vale was again rocked by multiple deaths and countless injuries during Black Friday sales events. In 2011, five members of a small civil rights group were trampled to death outside the Gottsgeld department store in Santa Calcetines. But this weekend, police reported that store employees, not shoppers, crushed the 43 hapless victims in a frantic attempt to overcome the throng of bargain hunters and clock in for their shifts by 5:00 p.m. Thursday evening.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Trump Calls Obama's Turkey Pardons Abuse of Power


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump cried foul after President Obama held a press conference Thursday at the White House Rose Garden to issue two Thanksgiving Day pardons. The ceremony also drew protests from Russian officials and white supremacists, who viewed the official order as an abuse of power. Obama tied the event to a series of executive actions he has taken to jump-start the economy, and which do not require congressional approval. “Well here’s another one: We can’t wait to pardon these turkeys,” the president said. After some initial confusion, Obama clarified that the turkeys in question were two flightless birds being spared their places on the holiday dinner table -- not Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and FBI Director James Comey.

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Trump Accuses Stores Closed on Thanksgiving of Treason


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Thanksgiving is the day when millions of Americans take a break from their grueling grinds to spend quality time with loved ones and reflect on the things they have, or are mere minutes away from having. Gone are the staid feasts and overdressed gatherings that once took place in cozy Norman Rockwell dining rooms or the musty confines of grandma’s den. In the 21st century, families unwind in the nation’s bustling shopping malls, bonding over the brutal bloodsport of frenzied combat shopping, where they demonstrate the strength of their familial ties by trampling other families who are competing for the same merchandise at slashed prices. “I can’t think of a better way to give back and show one’s gratitude,” said Foster Geldhaben, a holiday economics specialist for the conservative Peter Pinguid Society. “And that’s why we’ve joined President-elect Donald Trump in accusing retailers who refuse to open on Thanksgiving of treason.”

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Trump Asks Advisers When He, Like Lincoln, Can Hunt Vampires


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On November 10, Donald Trump attended a private transition meeting with Barack Obama. The current president walked his successor through the duties of running the country. Sources present at the discussion said Trump appeared bewildered by the scope of responsibilities, and was genuinely unfamiliar with the job. Trump’s aides seemed equally unprepared, not realizing that the existing White House staff would need to be replaced. In his accustomed fashion, Trump made several odd remarks. He reiterated his confusion about manufacturing nuclear weapons with no intent to launch them, he compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, and then asked when he, like the 16th president, could “declare war on blacks” [sic] and “begin hunting vampires.”

Monday, November 21, 2016

Before Tackling ISIS, Trump Has Bigger Foe to Vanquish: Drama Club


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Before pitting wits against the global threat of ISIS, President-elect Trump has a bigger enemy to conquer: the Drama Club. Gov. Mike Pence (R-Ind.), Trump’s vice presidential pick, was attending the popular show Hamilton on Friday when he was accosted by the rabid cast of deviants during the curtain call. The mob of LGBT, minority, female and possibly immigrant actors unleashed a fiery message tinged with fear and loathing. A shaken Pence attempted to appear strong throughout the haranguing, but Trump took to social media to defend his running mate -- and American values overall. Trump denounced the so-called “dressing room talk” as dangerous hate speech. Sources close to Pence say he is recovering at home, surrounded by loved ones.

Friday, November 18, 2016

Trump Cabinet Picks Demonstrate Commitment to Underdogs and Outsiders


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s surprising victory over Hillary Clinton was due in part to his anti-establishment sentiments and strong populist appeal among voters -- meaning members of the Electoral College, whose ballots represent those that count. Trump, a New York billionaire, positioned himself as a man of the people -- again defining “people” as the 538 electors empowered by the 23rd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, whom Republican lawmakers also cited as “the people” in “We, the people.” Unlike Clinton, Trump brought a message of positive disruption. He embodied the ideals of giving the nation a second chance. His recent cabinet picks, revealed Friday, illustrate that Trump has stood by his word.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Sessions Would Bolster Defense with Proven Plan from 17th Century Salem


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Director of National Intelligence James Clapper on Thursday informed the House Select Committee on Intelligence that he had tendered his letter of resignation the previous night. Clapper brought over 50 years of military and intelligence community work to his position, serving as President Obama’s chief adviser on security matters both foreign and domestic. A replacement has not been named, but sources believe Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) could be tapped to serve as Secretary of Defense. If he assumes this new mantel in the Trump administration, he will have significant influence over already contentious security and intelligence policies. And according to sources, Sessions has already proposed a radical overhaul of existing anti-terrorism strategies based on “historical and scientifical” interrogation plans developed in 17th Century Salem, Mass.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Trump Adviser Bannon Launches Study to Determine Which Lives Matter


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- President-elect Donald Trump’s decision to enlist Stephen Bannon as a key member of the White House leadership team drew protests from civil rights advocates across the nation. In his role, Bannon will serve as the cabinet’s “Chief Strategist and Senior Counselor to the President.” Bannon also remains the head of Breitbart News, a self-described “platform for the alt-right.” His allegiance with this coalition of proud nativists and proponents for eugenics could portend a return to racially charged doctrines of the past, or policies that would strip targeted groups of their existing liberties. Trump officials glossed over the concerns and assured Americans that the administration will promote the equality of every “legitimate” citizen. To demonstrate this commitment, Bannon announced his first task as Trump’s adviser -- launching a comprehensive study to determine which lives matter, clarifying that the term “racist” has become misused and misunderstood.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Trump Honors Veterans by Promising to Create Millions More


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- On Friday, November 11, the Unites States celebrated Veterans Day, a tribute to millions of men and women who have donned a uniform to uphold the nation’s defense. Conspicuously absent from the festivities, however, was President Elect Donald Trump. The soon-to-be Commander in Chief of the U.S. military did not attend a single Veterans Day event, according to multiple sources. He instead spent the long weekend scrambling to fill critical cabinet positions with alt-right propagandists, nativists, white supremacists and anti-Semites. Realizing the oversight, Trump’s aides posted a belated thank you message to members of the Armed Services on Twitter. Trump personally addressed the issue on Monday morning when he expressed his gratitude for our veterans by promising to “create millions more.”

Thursday, November 10, 2016

President Trump Publishes 100-Day Plan to Make America Pure Again


Additional Reporting by Michael Livingston

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- At the end of October, then presidential candidate Donald Trump delivered his own Gettsyburg Address to supporters during a rally in Pennsylvania. Now president elect, Trump has revised the 100-day plan to clearly illustrate the dramatic, and at times surreal, changes he intends to deliver to a nation he has often criticized. In some ways, Trump has already done more in 48 hours to realize his executive vision than any past president. Trump derided America as corrupt, economically frail, ignorant and an embarrassment to powers abroad. Since his victory over Clinton, markets have collapsed, a corrupt businessman has seized control of the United States, the ignorant have triumphed and world leaders have condemned the once great democracy as a foolish comedy of errors. Through Trump’s aggressive leadership, things have actually become as horrible as he predicted. So what does Donald Trump have in store for the first 100 days of Armageddon his reign? You can download the actual 100-day Plan and a copy of his revised Constitution to learn more. A transcript of the 100-day Plan follows. Note: one item about getting nuclear launch codes pronto was omitted in the final draft.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

President Elect Trump Pledges to Win War on Women


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump triumphed Tuesday night in his surprise victory over political rival Hillary Clinton, proving once again that the nation must never underestimate the power of frightened white people. As Trump’s electoral lead grew throughout the night, global financial markets crashed. However, they rose again early Wednesday after Trump’s polished acceptance speech. His ascendency also benefited some businesses directly. Rosetta Stone, provider of educational foreign language software, saw its revenues soar as millions of Americans signed up, frantically hoping to master Canadian French, German, Spanish and even British English. But for joyous conservatives, a Trump presidency spells welcome change -- in a doctrine of no change at all, or reverting back to the idyllic America of the 1950s. Most importantly, Trump will be the first commander-in-chief to finally win the bitter war on women.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Make America Sane Again: Vote for Write-in Presidential Candidate Greene

SPECIAL GUEST EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- To those of you outside San Narciso County, Calif., who may not be familiar with my campaign, I’d like to introduce myself. My name is F. Chester Greene. I’m a socially, fiscally, racially, philosophically, and religiously conservative Republican; and I’m running for the office of President of the United States of what used to be America. Sure, you haven't seen me mincing and preening across your TVs during those ridiculous debates, and that’s because I respect you enough to not waste your valuable time dickering about policies I’ll only flip-flop on as soon as I’m nominated. Campaigns are terribly painful ordeals -- mostly for the voters forced to endure them. And if you were to vote for me based on whatever tactics I employed to attack my opponents, I’d only let you down once in office.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Trump Shocks Voters by Releasing Revised U.S. Constitution


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- With the 2016 presidential election just a day away, both candidates have hit the campaign trail for one last appeal to undecided voters. Hillary Clinton’s substantial lead over Donald Trump fell briefly after FBI Director James Comey’s shocking decision to revisit the investigation into her private emails. However, after officials confirmed again that Clinton had engaged in no criminal wrongdoing, her margin widened. The announcement also bolstered investor confidence in the markets, leading to a surge in economic forecasts. For Trump, who continues to race across key battleground states, the polls’ shift toward Clinton could spell fresh travails. Not to be overshadowed on election eve, the erratic Republican stunned Americans by leaking a copy of his revised U.S. Constitution while shouting, “Stick this in your pocket, Khizr Khan!” Trump has vowed to implement the new laws within a week of his election. A transcript follows.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Russia Declares 10-hour Aleppo Truce: Nonstop Killing Is Exhausting Soldiers


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Russian President Vladimir Putin, ally of Syria’s dictatorial Bashar al-Assad, unilaterally declared a 10-hour “humanitarian pause” in the airstrikes and bombings that have rocked eastern Aleppo. Russia’s General Staff Valery Gerasimov announced that the ceasefire would take place between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. on Friday, November 4. Putin said that after destroying countless hospitals and schools filled with children, his troops have become exhausted. “We’re going to need a good 10-hour break to give our boys a rest so they can start slaughtering innocents fresh on Saturday,” he explained.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Trump's Boring Halloween Party: Everyone Dressed as Ghosts


News in Photos

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Donald Trump’s annual Halloween soiree, despite the hype, turned out to be a “dull and insipid” affair, according to most attendees. Partygoers had expected a lavish seasonal fete, bustling with celebrities adorned in creative and surprising costumes. And although the gathering offered the finest foods and libations, not to mention a garish spectacle of decorations that featured portraits of Trump groping weirdly fetishized jack-o’-lanterns, guests said they felt underwhelmed. As one reporter observed, “We expected a crazy assortment of wild outfits, but it was so dull and unoriginal. Everyone dressed up as ghosts. Yawn, right?”
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