SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Sad news in the entertainment world today as the Westboro Baptist Church confirmed the death of brilliant and successful long-form satirist Rev. Fred Phelps, who passed away at the age of 84. Most people knew Phelps as the ferociously anti-gay preacher who drew almost universal scorn for staging protests of military and celebrity funerals as a way of demonstrating God’s wrath for the world’s tolerance of homosexuality. He was remembered fondly by other long-form satirists such as Stephen Colbert, Kanye West, Alan Moore and Andy Kaufman, the pioneer of the genre, for his dedication and commitment to the craft. Speaking from his dressing room in character as Tony Clifton, an insulting lounge singer, Kaufman described Phelps as “the best of us. Nobody, myself included, managed to stay in character so passionately and for so long.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- When it comes to the demise of public figures, popular mythology holds that their deaths happen in threes. Sometimes, less frequently, in fours. Such was the case these past few days, when the world lost sage film critic Roger Ebert, former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, legendary Mouseketeer Annette Funicello and documentary filmmaker Les Blank. The outpouring of grief from millions of supporters underscores the lasting impressions these famous -- and sometimes infamous -- individuals left on the global community, while offering a poignant reminder of how precious one person's time on Earth can be. Four high profile deaths in about as many days can be a jarring reality check, psychologists say, bringing focus to the uncomfortable issue of mortality. For professional memorialists like Elton John, they can also mean a lot of unexpected work. Writing four new versions of "Candle in the Wind" will require burning that candle on both ends. But a rogue researcher from the U.S. Census Bureau revealed terrifying statistics on Monday, sure to rattle mourners overwhelmed by the celebrity obituaries that piled up this weekend: "More than four people died over the last few days. A lot more. And nobody's talking about it."

RIP Jonathan Frid (1924 - 2012)

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The passing of Canadian actor Jonathan Frid last Friday -- Friday the 13th, appropriately enough -- came as sad news to millions of "Dark Shadows" fans, some of whom undoubtedly hoped Frid, like his character Barnabas Collins, would return from the grave to creep out a new generation of heirs. Frid's portrayal of Collins was somewhat of a revolution. He defined the idea of the lost, lonely and reluctant vampire -- a mortal cursed to a life of painful eternities, unsavory needs and a fair amount of self-loathing. Frid's Barnabas was the venerable bloodsucker; he was not evil, he was a tortured soul and a victim of fate, not desire. He did not have enormous fangs or glitter in daylight. Even more appealing to audiences, he was beaten down by a secret. But if the trailers for the new Tim Burton/Johnny Depp version of "Dark Shadows" offer any clues, Barnabas Collins' secret was that he was flamboyantly gay. Frid clearly missed the mark by attempting to project a serious, conflicted Victorian anti-hero instead of a foppishly effeminate drama queen made over by Tammy Faye Bakker. Burton and Depp have finally corrected that long-running oversight.

RIP Dick Clark (1929 - 2012)

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Dick Clark, the iconic personality behind "American Bandstand," died Wednesday at the age of 82. Doctors credited the cause of death to a heart attack. Throughout his career, Clark remained an influential force in popular music. He introduced generations of Americans to megastars from Buddy Holly to Michael Jackson to Madonna. He translated his success into the creation of a pop culture media empire. But Clark truly solidified his presence as a cultural touchstone after becoming the host of the eponymous New Year's Eve specials that ran on ABC for four decades. To viewers around the globe, Dick Clark owned New Year's Eve. Investors agreed. But as millions today mourned the passing of "the world's oldest teenager" and reflected on his legacy, millions more flooded government offices and churches in sheer terror, demanding to know if 2013 would come without Clark. Authorities have refused to comment for fear of setting off a chain of riots and suicides.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- The conservative noise machine lost some of its steam and clamor Thursday with the deaths of right-wing journalist Andrew Breitbart and a congressional jobs bill predicated on a study of Indian poverty. Breitbart, 43, was pronounced dead at 12:19 a.m. at UCLA Medical Center. The jobs plan died hours later. Breitbart collapsed walking near his home around midnight, according to his father-in-law, actor Orson Bean. Paramedics were unable to revive him. Ultra-conservative Tea Party members, among Breitbart's biggest supporters, praised God for deciding the writer's fate instead of leaving him to the amoral pseudo-science of medical doctors. However, other officials deep within Party ranks expressed concerns that Breitbart's passing may have been the Lord's condemnation for his support of conservative gay rights groups (GOProud) and his role in founding The Huffington Post, a socialist propaganda publication. The cause of Breitbart's death is being classified as natural causes pending the results of an autopsy. Based on the findings, socially conservative lawmakers have said they are prepared to expand the definition of "natural causes" to include factors such as drugs, auto-erotic asphyxiation and bum fighting -- a standard courtesy for all Party advocates that was enacted in December 2010, following Rush Limbaugh's heart attack scare.

Davy Jones: 30 December 1945 – 29 February 2012. Rest in peace.

EDITORIAL (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Christopher Hitchens, a British born journalist and intellectual atheist, died Thursday of complications with esophageal cancer. He was 62. Of Hitchens, Vanity Fair wrote that he was an "incomparable critic, masterful rhetorician, fiery wit, and fearless bon vivant." Not only was Hitchens a passionate and acerbic journalist, he was a true war correspondent, often visiting the world's most dangerous places and not merely writing about them from the serenity of his office. He wasn't always accurate, he wasn't always agreeable, but his literary gifts and dedication to pointing out what he considered to be the truth were immeasurably important. Journalism for Hitchens wasn't a disguised marketing vehicle for corporations with deep ties to politics; he maintained the core values one often attributes to the art. Along the way, he carved out a reputation for barbed repartee, scathing critiques of public figures, and a fierce mind for reason.

BRIEF EDITORIAL -- Steve Jobs, the creative force behind Apple, has died after a long battle with cancer. He was 56. His visionary approach to shaping our future was, unfortunately, all too rare a thing. His imagination and passion will be sorely missed. As my close friend and fellow BVET writer Michael Livingston said, "iSad." It wasn't meant as a joke or a slight, just a friendly way to remember an amazing legacy.

DETROIT, Mich. -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the controversial figure who championed assisted suicide and an individual’s right to die, passed away involuntarily at a Detroit-area hospital. He was 83. Kevorkian, who was released from a Michigan prison in 2007 after serving eight years for second-degree murder, had been suffering from kidney and respiratory problems.

As a result of Kevorkian’s loss, Democrats working on President Obama’s health care initiative have found themselves in a tough spot, much to the glee of Republicans. An administration spokesperson said Kevorkian’s passing is a tremendous setback to the Obamacare Death Panel Agency (DPA): “We had always envisioned Dr. Kevorkian heading up the DPA. Now, we’re not sure a suitable replacement even exists. It appears that Republicans may get their way on this piece of the health care legislation -- we’ll have to scrap the death panels for the foreseeable future.”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Tragedy rocked the quiet suburbs of Bennington Vale on Wednesday as police found one of the county’s most influential citizens dead in his home. Guy El Tarasco famously managed the campaign of former Tea Party candidate Stanley Kotex. He was also a powerful conservative lobbyist and a friend to San Narciso business leaders.

“The cause of death was an apparent suicide,” police spokesman Ren Williams announced in a press briefing this morning. “There were no signs of foul play, and officers discovered a suicide note near the deceased. According to Mr. El Tarasco’s letter, he took his own life after realizing that, in his own words, ‘I might have become a socialist without knowing it was happening.’”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After a passenger failed to disembark from a Celebrity Cruise ship on Wednesday, a thorough search of the vessel concluded that the woman was not on board. Footage taken aboard the ship showed the 39-year-old woman straddling a railing Monday night and letting go. The Coast Guard suspended its search after reviewing the closed circuit video.

LOS ANGELES, Calif. -- Legendary actress Elizabeth Taylor, star of Hollywood classics “Cleopatra,” “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and “National Velvet,” died Wednesday at the age of 79. Taylor, who first achieved stardom at the age of 12, became more widely known for her tumultuous love life, obsession with diamonds, and addiction to alcohol and painkillers than her abilities as a thespian. The cause of death was listed as congestive heart failure. A friend close to the actress said, “After eight failed marriages and a number of torrid affairs I can longer count, it seems her heart finally broke once and for all. She will be missed.”

CENTURY CITY, Calif. -- David Nelson, who essentially played himself as the eldest* child in the iconic American television series “The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,” died today at the age of 74. He was the last surviving member of the Nelson TV family. Doctors have told reporters that Nelson died of complications from colon cancer, the result of a lifetime of drinking warm Coke, but the mysterious presence of police investigators at the scene suggests a more complicated set of circumstances. Further fueling suspicion is news that Tony Dow, who played Wally Cleaver on “Leave it to Beaver,” has been taken into protective custody.

Wayans discusses his death today with friends.

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to a breaking story on Twitter, Keenen Ivory Wayans, the comedian and creator of the immensely popular sketch comedy “In Living Color,” has died. Using the feed @CNN, which is not the official feed of Cable News Network but carries with it enough gravitas for credulity’s sake, the tweet’s author went on to describe circumstances far more dire than Wayans’ death: every celebrity around the globe -- actors, musicians, authors, athletes, and rich people who appear on reality television shows -- has died. The news has shaken the very foundations of the world community and left billions wondering what they have to look forward to after a long day of work.

EDITORIAL -- After a six-year battle with breast cancer, Elizabeth Edwards, the estranged wife of former Senator John Edwards (D-NC), died today at the age of 61. Elizabeth Edwards was a successful attorney and a voice that championed causes of women and children. She authored two noteworthy books dealing with the issues of cancer and children in poverty.

Edwards was an active political supporter during her husband’s unsuccessful runs for Vice President and then President. She was an outspoken supporter of equal rights, including gay marriage. She often talked openly in the media about upholding the rights of gays and lesbians to marry, although her stance fell into conflict with her husband’s political platform.

SANTA FE, N.M. -- "Dandy" Don Meredith, former Dallas Cowboys quarterback and sports entertainment legend throughout the 1970s and 1980s, died Monday of a brain hemorrhage. He was 72.

Meredith’s irreverent personality and farm boy sense of humor gained him a widespread following. It also propelled the then experimental “Monday Night Football” program into a national sensation. During his time as Howard Cossell’s co-anchor on the show, Meredith often served as a folksy foil to Cossell’s bombastic and pompous behavior.

SAN FERNANDO, Calif. -- The possibility of genetic testing in sports, particularly the Olympics, is a controversial measure that still looms on the horizon. The precedent this kind of testing might establish, however, is the real source of debate. If analyzing the genetic composition of individual athletes to determine an unfair, albeit natural, advantage in sports could lead to banning those athletes from participation, what then are the ramifications for other industries? Today, representatives from the Adult Film Industry Association of America address that question.

LOS ANGELES, Calif. --  Dr. Alan Rumack, one of the heroes responsible for the successful landing of distressed Trans American flight 209 to Chicago in 1980, has died of complications with pneumonia. He was 84.