Thursday, May 5, 2011

Area Woman, and GOP Activist, Mysteriously Jumps to Death from Cruise Ship

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- After a passenger failed to disembark from a Celebrity Cruise ship on Wednesday, a thorough search of the vessel concluded that the woman was not on board. Footage taken aboard the ship showed the 39-year-old woman straddling a railing Monday night and letting go. The Coast Guard suspended its search after reviewing the closed circuit video.

Unlikely Suicide
Celine Rathsbasil, a Bennington Vale mother of five, was traveling to Catalina Island on a three-day work retreat with key members of San Narciso County’s foremost conservative political action committee, the Association of Republican Seniors, Wives, Young Professionals and Entrepreneurs (ARSWYPE).

Rathsbasil gained recognition in the community for championing the organization of Bennington Vale’s “Target the Enemy” movement to support Sarah Palin’s vice presidential campaign against the Democratic opposition in 2008. Rathsbasil was wearing one of the group’s t-shirts at the time of her fall, evidenced by the slogans “Let Them Drink Tea,” “Crap Shooters,” and “Jigga Who?” visible in the video footage.

According to the Coast Guard, the search of the ship and Rathsbasil’s cabin turned up no suicide note, proof of foul play, or other explanations for her actions.

Carlisle Olden-Whitely, ARSWYPE’s chairman, said that everyone in the group was confounded and devastated by the loss.

“Celine was a true patriot,” Olden-Whitely told reporters. “She had a beautiful family, a great marriage, and wonderful friends. No one who knew her believes this was a suicide. But it’s also difficult to comprehend how the accident happened. She clearly climbed over the rail, but I’m at a loss to explain why.”

Possible Explanation
The only lead available to investigators has come from the ship’s bartender, Marvin Isaacs.

Isaacs also denied that he thought the cause of death was intentionally self-inflicted.

“No way, man. Like I told the Coast Guard, she was having a good time. But I had to cut her off, you know, because she’d already sucked down a whole bottle of Jim Beam. She really tied one on. Then she started talking about Barack dumping Osama bin Laden’s body in the ocean right after the raid. And she tells me, ‘That’s crap, Marv. They didn’t get Osama. If George Bush and Dick Cheney couldn’t hunt him down, there’s no way that tree-hugging Oreo did. Someone needs to get their ass in the water and pull that body back up. I’m telling you, it was some CIA ass they gunned down by mistake in their botched operation. I’d bet you a Long Slow Screw Against the Wall on it, and I ain’t talking about a drink.’ Then she left. That was the last I saw of her.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.
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