Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Three-Year-Old Boy Shoots Father, DA Alleges History of Criminal Behavior
It is a crime in California for a child to find a parent’s gun and shoot someone with it. It is also a crime for a child under the age of six or a weight of 60 pounds to be unrestrained in a moving vehicle. The boy was not wearing a safety belt. Furthermore, officers arriving at the scene found several pills on the boy’s person, in the shapes of Scooby Doo cartoon characters.
A representative for the District Attorney’s office said that the presence of the gun, the blatant disregard for the seat belt law, and the possession of the suspicious pills -- which, pending analysis, are believed to be either Ecstasy or LSD -- easily validate three-year-old Clinton Sanders as an established criminal.
County authorities are beginning a criminal investigation involving both the father and the boy. They believe the boy has a history of drug use and emotional problems, and detectives have discovered several pages of conspiratorial sketches on a little writing desk in the child’s room.
“They were drawn in crayon, but that’s not unusual,” police spokesman Ren Williams told reporters.
“What interested us was that the drawings were done in red crayon. Red is a very angry color. There were also some..well they looked like words, and they were scrawled out in characters we didn’t understand. The alphabet was only vaguely familiar, with lots of backward letters. Symbols and pictures, mostly. We think they may be satanic ciphers. We also have reason to believe that the boy’s actions were influenced by heavy metal music -- like we’ve seen before with Black Sabbath and Marilyn Manson. There were several allusions to a mysterious singer referred to only as ‘Barney.’”
Clinton’s father has also been placed under arrest. Guards have been posted outside his hospital room to prevent him from planting any more weapons out in the open. Prosecutors are hoping to exploit a legal loophole and try the case as “suicide by cop by proxy of cop’s child by proxy of cop.”
The governor has already stated that he will consider no clemency or pardons if a jury decides to seek the death penalty. Outside experts, however, don’t think it will come to that.
“The boy clearly didn’t understand his rights when the officers were reading Miranda to him. That may work against them in court,” one attorney was quoted as saying.
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.