Monday, May 16, 2011

Day Four of May 21 Apocalypse: Stephen Hawking Denounces Heaven and Catholic Church Loses Majority of Priests After Child Molestation Crackdown Announcement

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just four days remaining in the planet’s unraveling circle of life, the grim and inexplicably bizarre omens of Doomsday continue to sweep the globe. The May 21 Judgment Day prophesy of Harold Camping, initially met with vast skepticism, now appears to have gained enough traction to make even the most agnostic among us rethink the inevitability of existence beyond this weekend, due in large part to the media’s tireless reporting of disasters around the world.

“One man in New York spent his entire life savings of $140,000 to help get our message out,” said one of Camping’s representatives from Christian broadcaster Family Stations. “This is precisely what all of us should be doing now. And donating that money to Family Stations may just help grease the palms of our Lord Jesus Christ. The fate of your soul is in His hands, after all. A little proof of your willingness to sacrifice, in honor of His sacrifice, couldn’t hurt.”

Fight to End Human Rights in Syria Honors God
At least 15 Syrian tanks pushed into a rural area near the Lebanese border Sunday night, where security forces have concentrated their fight against pro-democracy demonstrations, specifically targeting human rights activists. One protest group said at least seven Syrian civilians were killed during heavy shelling from government artillery. Sniper fire sent another civilian to Allah’s judgment on Monday, raising the death toll to 12 since the actions began on Saturday.

Syrian officials claimed that those seeking democracy were dishonoring Allah as the end of the world approaches.

“We are trying to make sure as many Syrians as possible reach their final rewards by May 21,” said one military spokesperson. “You cannot argue that there is one Lord who rules the Kingdom unconditionally. Calling for equality and democracy is to dispute the might and majesty of Allah. It is the same challenge to God’s authority that Satan offered. By crushing these protesters now, and eliminating any hope they may harbor for freedom and justice, we seek to impart a divine lesson in obedience and subjugation. Otherwise, they will end up in Hell, where democracy and equality exist in the flames of eternal torment. It is better to scrub toilets in Heaven than vote in Hell.”

Grave Robbers in Cypress Steal President’s Corpse
Three people in Cypress were found guilty of violating a burial ground and exhuming the body of former President Tassos Papadopoulos, who died of lung cancer in December 2008.

In court, the ghoulish vandals expressed little remorse for the desecration, citing an arcane Greek rite of sacrifice to please the deities of Olympus.

One of the defendants said in testimony, “For all the holes that Greeks throughout history have violated, we feel we are being unfairly prosecuted. As Almighty Zeus prepares to release the Titans, now is the time to appease his petty ego.”

New Irish Terrorist Group Threatens Attack on Central London
Police in London say they have received a credible bomb threat on the eve of the first visit to Ireland by a British monarch in over a century. Despite a 1998 peace accord that ended Northern Ireland’s three decades of aggression with Great Britain, violence by dissidents opposed to the peace process has been increasing.

A Northern Irish militant group, the Real IRA, told Queen Elizabeth last month that she was not welcome on Irish soil. The Queen has since changed her Twitter address.

The Real IRA, to clarify, holds no direct ties to the Irish Republican Army (IRA) or its political arm, Sinn Fein. The group is widely considered to be a failed garage band with violent political leanings and no budget for marketing.

“They tried to call themselves ‘The New IRA,’ but there was a punk band with that name already,” said one Irish intelligence officer. “Then they changed their name to ‘The New Improved IRA.’ But a local bank had used that term for a retirement account promotion. They went through another series of name changes, the likes of ‘The Original Terrorists,’ ‘The New Original Terrorists,’ and ‘The McNasties’ until they settled on ‘The Real IRA.’ Pathetic how any loser can get his hands on explosives these days.”

Physicist Stephen Hawking Calls Heaven a Fairy Tale
In a press interview preceding the Google Zeitgeist meeting in London, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking called Heaven a “fairy story for people afraid of the dark.”

The comment drew gasps and outrage from Christians in attendance. Harold Camping’s group immediately seized on the opportunity, pointing out that science is one of the most powerful tools in the devil’s arsenal of deceit.

One Family Stations radio personality said, “We laughed at his little voice box when it chirped this news, because the faithful can smell the sulphurous lies of Satan. Science is a Greek or Latin word for knowledge. I’m not sure which, because I speak God’s English. But it means knowledge. And eating from the Tree of Knowledge is the reason we were booted out of Eden. Mr. Hawking, like all other ‘scientists,’ is attempting to mislead Christians down the path of damnation by convincing them that Heaven doesn’t exist. Well for him, I assure you it doesn’t.”

After enduring protests for his blasphemous declaration, Hawking began irritating conference participants by incessantly repeating what they said using his little computerized voice box. He then made obscene comments about their wives. Female staff members hinted at unmentionable goings-on in the bathroom, where the scientist frequently required their “assistance.”

“It’s difficult to understand his robot voice sometimes,” said a woman on the team responsible for organizing the event. “We thought he was saying, ‘Could you give me a hand,’ when in fact he was saying, ‘Could you give me your hand.’ It was disgusting. He’s a vile little toad.”

Hawking is a noted pervert.

Vatican Announcement Leads to Mass Resignation of Priests
In a global announcement Monday, the Vatican told bishops that rooting out sexual abuses against children by priests must remain a priority.

In the official communication, all priests were urged to cooperate with civil authorities to end the molestation and pedophilia that have tainted the Church’s image around the world.

“This is telling the world that we mean business. We want to be an example of prevention and care, and only through visibility and transparency can we right these grievous wrongs,” said one Vatican official, speaking on condition of anonymity.

However, the Vatican’s efforts to clamp down on clergymen with roving eyes and wandering fingers has led to thousands of resignations.

Harold Camping’s group said that with the exodus of so many priests, those seeking salvation as the end nears might face unexpected obstacles.

“Fortunately,” Camping reiterated, “we know that churches are apostate and evil. This may be a blessing in disguise. Tuning in to our radio program will provide all the guidance serious Christians need in these dark times.”

Elated Homeland Security officials, however, cited peripheral benefits to the Vatican’s actions.

TSA procurement personnel claim that since the groping procedures at airports were enacted, the number of job applicants has tripled.

Norton Pinkerton, a San Narciso security consultant, said, “The pay might suck and the hours might be awful, but for people like that, legal permission to fondle under-aged passengers is a pretty big perk in their already robust benefits package.”

Follow the paper’s “Countdown to the End Time” section for updates and breaking End of the World news.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.