According to their prediction, the world will be progressively shaken apart by earthquakes, beginning at 6:00 p.m. EDT on May 21 and continuing through October 21. During this period of cataclysm, the Rapture will call all true believers back to Heaven. As a result, and with heavy heart, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript is issuing final paychecks to some staff members and preparing to temporarily cease publication at the end of next week -- which is also the end of the world.
Doom Prophet Turns to Technology
Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, “has been a tireless student of the Bible for over five decades. The tens of thousands of hours he has spent analyzing the Bible has given him a unique perspective of the entirety of Scripture,” a statement from the network said.
When asked what would happen should the apocalypse fail, Camping said that “the biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong. Christ’s people can look with great confidence to this date because God promises His ‘beloved’ He will not come upon them as a thief in the night.”
Camping cited a series of indisputable facts to support his claims, including the re-establishment of Israel in 1948, the Gay Pride movement, and the “complete disregard for the Bible in all of society today.” Camping also stated that he had arrived at the specific date of May 21 based on his interpretation of the Jewish calendar.
To be fair, Camping had previously warned of an apocalypse taking place in September 1994. However, he later admitted that he had not completed his biblical research at the time.
“And,” Camping continued, “we didn’t have Google Translate back then. I don’t speak Jew, so I may have gotten some of the words wrong. Thanks to Google Translate, I’m pretty sure God’s ultimate love will decimate His horrible creation on schedule. Also, we’ve managed to get our hands on some weapons-grade plutonium.”
Unlike the false prophets of past eras, Camping is utilizing technology to help spread the word. Family Stations has invested heavily in radio broadcasting, billboard marketing, Internet campaigns, and a fleet of custom RVs.
“They’ve spent a lot, and I mean a lot, of church funds to drive this initiative home,” said Haskell Sparrowslanding, an adjunct professor of fundamentalist theology at San Narciso College. “Other churches may have squandered that money on silly things like outreach programs, bake sales, education, and community assistance; but in context of God’s intent, those are pretty selfish pursuits. The signs of Revelation are clear, and they’ve been documented for a specific reason. As far as I’m concerned, Harold Camping is the only Christian trying to help his people into Heaven. He should be listened to.”
Sparrowslanding said that proof of Camping’s conclusions, though subtle, is all around us.
“According to a geologist I spoke to, there are earthquakes happening around the globe every 11 minutes. And we smugly ignore them. The Mississippi is flooding. Tornadoes devastated Alabama. Gays are getting married and adopting babies, then turning them gay. By the time the gay horde has conquered the land, they will end all reproduction on the planet. But perhaps Harold’s most compelling point is how society today completely misses the meaning of the Bible.”
To bolster his point, Sparrowslanding cited the Pope’s sweeping forgiveness for Jews, the Catholic Church’s call to embrace Muslims, Protestant denominations welcoming gays and appointing women clergy, the theory of evolution, the global economy squashed by socialism and charity, Obamacare, Rick Santorum’s name being used to define a type of fecal discharge resulting from sodomy, and the wholly misguided doctrine of many Christians to “love thy brother,” which Sparrowslanding called “a bit gay and communist.”
“We’ve got wolves in sheep’s clothing out there -- operating in the guise of Christianity -- who are consorting with prostitutes, lepers, hobos, and criminals,” Sparrowslanding explained. “Christ was trying to keep people from sin, not persuading them to immerse themselves in the lives of sinners. Mother Teresa’s a great example. This nun drained church coffers to travel around India and help its people -- who are Hindu -- instead of using her energies toward the Christian cause. It’s aberrant. If you really study Jesus’ teachings, especially in Leviticus, then you’d know that Christ was probably more like Ayn Rand than Martin Luther King.”
Preparing for the End
Bennington Vale citizens, mostly fundamental Christians, have already taken steps to prepare for the end of the world next week. Fast food restaurants in the area will be serving specially prepared “Rapture Rolls,” which are pita-based sandwiches laced with cyanide, for those seeking an early escape. San Narciso weapons retailer Guns, Ammo & Tackle is offering a “Four Horsemen” discount on all assault rifles, with additional “Kids Meet Jesus Free” specials on bullets. Other events will be posted on the Community Events Calendar as they become available.
Harold Camping has clarified that those ineligible to ascend to God’s kingdom will remain on the earth, most likely unaware that the world has ended.
“You might not even notice any difference,” Camping said, “but if you’re still on Earth after October 21, you can assume that you’ve been consigned to eternal damnation.”
In light of this eventuality, The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript will suspend publication during the initial period of destruction, beginning Friday of next week. After May 21, and as the plagues of the apocalypse take shape, publication will resume for those of us who will not be called to Heaven.
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.