Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Day Six of May 21 Apocalypse: Harold Camping Narrows Down Identity of Antichrist

Courtesy Universal Pictures
SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- With just two days and a few hours of life remaining for the denizens of God’s creation, Judgment Day mouthpiece Harold Camping -- of Christian media leviathan, Family Stations -- has divulged more details about the Second Coming of Christ. In Camping’s latest revelation, he attempts to narrow down the identity of the Antichrist. As foretold in the Book of Revelations, the nemesis of the Lord will likely assume the misleading form of a savior, widely believed to be a politician or an individual holding enormous global sway. Based on Family Stations’ Wednesday broadcast, former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the disgraced managing director of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), have become Camping’s two most feasible suspects.

The Terminator
Camping had targeted Arnold Schwarzenegger as his front-runner until the news of Strauss-Kahn’s arrest for rape this week. Family Stations representatives provided the following justification for Schwarzenegger’s qualifications as Antichrist.

Arnold Schwarzenegger seems the perfect candidate. His family history is checkered and morally dubious. First of all, he comes from a long and storied line of Nazis. His father Gustav was a member of the Nazi Party. Then there’s Kurt Waldheim, former secretary general of the United Nations, who was discovered to have participated in Nazi atrocities during World War II. That information came to light while he was running for president of Austria in 1986. Why is this important? Because Mr. Waldheim is a close friend of Mr. Schwarzenegger. And Waldheim wasn’t just any Nazi. His name appears on the Wehrmacht’s “honor list.”

That Austria, where both men are from, had opposed Hitler’s regime until forced into it through the Anschluss, is particularly poignant given that the Schwarzeneggers and Waldheims were on board with genocide from the start.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was also a notorious drug user. He famously smoked pot on camera in one of his homoerotic muscle movies. He later admitted to steroid use. He hung around Steve Reeves a lot too. If you don’t understand the impact of that, ask a homosexual. Then condemn him and run away.

And of course, Schwarzenegger cherished his film role as the Terminator, an unstoppable beast sent to destroy all humankind in order to create a soulless new world through a nuclear holocaust. He also starred in a film about the apocalypse called “End of Days.” Coincidence? Nope. And in that awful film, the devil possesses him, at which point he attempts to rape an innocent girl. This too closely mirrors Schwarzenegger’s real life.

We also believe that the letters of his last name, rearranged, impart a dreadful warning. Our research concludes that his name is an anagram for “Czar’s Egg When Re.” A czar is an evil communist tyrant. His egg would be the spawn of the devil. And “when Re” would allude to the return of the heathen Egyptian god Amen-Re, a possible reference to humans resuming worship of false idols and demons.

Mr. Schwarzenegger’s credentials as a harbinger of Doomsday are truly difficult to deny.

Overturning the Tables of an Evil Money Lender
IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn was charged with seven criminal counts on Monday and faces a possible 25-year sentence after being accused of sexual assault on a hotel worker in New York City. He remains in jail at Rikers Island as a grand jury weighs the evidence to indict him.

According to the plaintiff, Strauss-Kahn emerged from his bathroom naked, grunting like a “rutting chimpanzee.” He then allegedly forced the plaintiff to the ground and engaged in a series of humiliating and unsanitary sex acts that, while legal in France, are outlawed in the United States.

Theologians from Family Stations clarified their reasons for now considering Strauss-Kahn a possible Antichrist contender:

Mr. Strauss-Kahn, despite his penchant for rape, has unparalleled power and influence in the theater of global economics. Although he is being pressured to resign, his departure could jeopardize many sensitive political situations brewing across the world. In many ways, he maintains a delicate balance between frail alliances.

But now Brazilian and Chinese foreign ministries are using Strauss-Kahn’s arrest as leverage to end the World War II-era “gentleman’s agreement” that guaranteed Europe the managing director’s post. If that came to pass, and the IMF became controlled by a non-European director, we could see the collapse of world markets in a matter of days, as Islamic terrorists or brown-skinned communists assumed his mantle. But perhaps this was all part of his master plan to destabilize the world, create chaos, and usher in the legions of Hell.

The Uncomfortable Parallels and Prophesies
The most interesting correlation between the two men, in Camping’s expert analysis, is that they have held positions of significant power in large economies of scale, have at one time been touted as saviors, and have molested their servants.

“These are all signs described by John, if you fully comprehend his Revelation,” Camping claimed. “There are so many specific references to sexual transgressions involving menial servants. In the prologue to the first Revelation, it is written, ‘God gave him to show his servants what must soon take place.’ We interpret this to mean that the Antichrist will display his penis to a hapless maid and produce a scion through her. It’s clear that God warned humans of this eventuality. But it gets worse. In the second Revelation, it is written that the Antichrist ‘misleads my servants into sexual immorality.’ Then in the third book it says, ‘I am coming soon.’ Right there! That’s the climax of the Beast’s sexual congress with the servant. The evidence is beyond refute. This is happening, friends. It has happened.”

Camping, for his money, says that he is still betting on Schwarzenegger as the Antichrist, and believes this will be revealed on the last episode of “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” where Schwarzenegger’s estranged wife Maria Shriver is slated to appear.

“I wouldn’t want to make a definite claim just yet, because I haven’t finished my studies on the matter,” Harold Camping cautioned. “But Strauss-Kahn has not produced an illegitimate offspring that we know of. Arnold Schwarzenegger most certainly has.”

Mildred Patricia Baena had been a housekeeper for Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver for over 20 years. Schwarzenegger fathered a son with her during that time, which was only recently made public. The product of their union is now 13 years old.

“Thirteen,” Camping mused. “Not a godly number, is it? I think that says it all.”

For continuing coverage of the planet’s last days, check the “Countdown to the End Time” section of the paper.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.

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