Thursday, May 26, 2011

DuPont Abandons Tornado Protection Products and Unveils “Tiger Sheen” STD Vaccine for Fleet Week

WILMINGTON, Del. -- Founded in 1802, and operating in nearly 90 countries, DuPont has made a name for itself innovating products and services for markets that include agriculture, nutrition, electronics, communications, safety and protection, home and construction, transportation, and apparel. For example, during the 2008 tornadoes that leveled Greensburg, Kan., DuPont donated over $750,000 worth of special materials to rebuild the town and ensure its protection during future disasters. But now, with Fleet Week taking hold of New York City, DuPont has unveiled a revolutionary product designed to immunize saucy sailors and their wenches from all manner of sexually transmitted disease (STD). The drug, branded as Tiger Sheen, is currently available only through the Veterans Administration.

DuPont Rebuilds Kansas Town After Devastating Twister
DuPont gained wide acclaim in 2008 when it participated in the restoration of a Kansas town virtually wiped off the map from an E5 category tornado. The company reconstructed buildings using its StormRoom with Kevlar product, an in-home tornado and hurricane shelter with reinforced walls, capable of keeping a structure standing in the most unrelenting weather.

When asked why all buildings in affected areas of the United States have not been equipped with such materials, a DuPont spokesperson said, “Unfortunately, these products cost more than most homes -- double or triple those in tornado alley. There’s no way average Americans could ever afford to keep their families safe from tornadoes with this stuff. Look at what happened in Joplin, Mo., this week. We’d love to help those people out. And if Planet Green decides to make another series, this time focusing on Joplin’s plight, then we probably would. Otherwise, the state of Missouri has a pretty big check to write, or a pretty tough decision to make. But we’re really not interested in that line of business any longer. It hasn’t proven profitable. Right now, our efforts are being concentrated on the new STD inoculation for Fleet Week.”

Tiger Sheen STD Protection
Fleet Week is a naval tradition in which active military ships, recently deployed overseas, dock in a variety of major cities for one week. The event in New York is one of the country’s most notable. Throughout the week, many celebrations commence to honor America’s service men and women. But perhaps the biggest draw for Fleet Week is the influx of sexually starved troops infiltrating the city. According to health officials, incidents of illegitimate pregnancies and outbreaks of STDs increase exponentially during this time. But DuPont scientists have proposed a cure.

“Our biochemists rank among the world’s best,” boasted Remy Cherdish, a marketing executive for DuPont. “Our research and testing methodologies, though unconventional, are hugely successful.”

Citing some examples, Cherdish explained how DuPont had once hired professional stunt people to be set on fire in order to test a line of flame-resistant textiles.

“For the Kevlar building materials,” Cherdish continued, “we brought in a group of orphans and sequestered them in a StormRoom placed inside an industrial wind tunnel, stocked with shrapnel and debris. For our line of military preservation products, we dressed a group of transients in bullet-proof vests and fired automatic weapons at them for about fifteen minutes. You know, there are always some unintended results, but we learn from those lessons and go back to formula to make the needed improvements. Overall, the process works very well, as it did with the development of Tiger Sheen.”

While designing Tiger Sheen, according to Cherdish, DuPont contracted actor Charlie Sheen to serve as not only a human guinea pig but the source of the immunization.

“Charlie Sheen has been exposed to superhuman doses of narcotics, amphetamines, and sexually transmitted diseases. We pumped him full of heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, you name it. And we discovered that his physical and cognitive functions improved. Then we exposed him to HIV, herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, and scabies. Nothing. Not one blemish. Not one sign of infection. We really do believe that the blood of tigers runs through his veins and that his DNA comes from Olympian gods. So, we broke down his genetic materials and captured samples of his blood to create the vaccine. With the VA injecting sailors prior to leaving their vessels for liberty, we’re sure that we’ll be able to curb any potential outbreaks this year. Early tests even show the drug curing various strains of cancer. It’s truly amazing.”

When asked whether Tiger Sheen would become available to the public through pharmaceutical companies, Cherdish said, “DuPont would be willing to release the formula, but at $340,000 a shot, we’re reasonably certain that your HMO won’t be prescribing it.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.