Friday, May 13, 2011

Day Three of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters, Area Retailers to Sell Rapture Kits

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- The plagues of the End Times have shown no signs of relenting since Wednesday. This morning, a new series of Judgment Day horrors swept the world, affecting the United States, China, Spain, and Pakistan. Family Stations’ doom prophet, Harold Camping, called the developments “awesome news!”

He also went on to say, “Judgment Day is feared by the world and is the day that God will destroy the world because of the sins of mankind. There’s no greater expression of the Lord’s undying love than tearing apart billions of men, women, and children through a series of excruciating terrors, drawn out over a five-month period of ongoing torture. As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them.”

To help mitigate some of the impact, Bennington Vale retailers have today begun selling Rapture Kits across San Narciso County.

Friday’s Wrath of God
Friday was particularly eventful in terms of death and destruction, according to Family Stations representatives.

“It’s exciting to see how each day gets progressively worse,” one spokesperson told reporters. “Google couldn’t even get Blogger working for two days. Obviously, God’s beginning to bring down the blasphemous media to clear the airwaves for Harold Camping’s instruction.”

Friday’s recipients of the Lord’s lovingly vengeful affection span four countries.

In Mount Prospect, Ill., a Metra train derailed after shearing the cab from a truck idling too close to the tracks, killing the truck’s driver. Also in the United States, storms have continued to swell the Mississippi river. Engineers fear that the threat of levees being breached may be inevitable at this point.

On the Spanish resort island of Tenerife, a mentally ill, 28-year-old Bulgarian man decapitated a British woman in a supermarket and then fled into the streets, still clutching her head.

In China’s Gansu province, a disgruntled bank employee detonated a petrol bomb and wounded 49 people.

Suicide bombers attacked a Pakistani paramilitary academy Friday, killing 80 people to avenge the death of Osama bin Laden. In related matters, U.S. officials also announced that they had recovered an extensive cache of porn from bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound. Possession of pornographic materials would be a sin to an orthodox Islamic extremist such as Osama bin Laden. However, one U.S. official said that witnesses heard bin Laden protesting many times, “I do not want your big box of porn, Aniq.”

Rapture Kits For Sale in San Narciso County
Gottsgeld Department Store at Santa Calcetines’ Buffum Center Plaza will serve as the primary location to purchase specially designed Rapture Kits for family and friends.

Mayor Manny DiPresso urged all community members to consider the purchase of the these products: “Sure, they’re a tad expensive -- ranging anywhere from $1,500 to $5,000 per kit -- but we think it’s a worthwhile expenditure. How can you place a price tag on the immortal souls of your loved ones? Also, you can’t take it with you.”

Included in the kits are the following items:

  • One nine-millimeter automatic pistol
  • Two boxes of ammunition
  • One drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills, and seven vials of holy water
  • One miniature combination Aramaic phrase book and King James Bible, edited by Harold Camping
  • Nine packs of sugar-free chewing gum
  • One issue of prophylactics
  • Three lipsticks
  • Three pair of nylon stockings
  • List of key neo-conservative talking points, to please the Lord, provided by Fox News
  • One “I Heart Unborn Babies” bumper sticker
  • One foil Rapture helmet
  • List of major religions, including numerous Christian denominations, to avoid and shun
  • “Kill a Queer for Christ” t-shirts
  • One pamphlet of phrases guaranteed to flatter Saint Peter
  • One instructional brochure entitled “How to Identify the Anti-Christ,” with a photograph of Congressional Democrats on the cover

Additional services for sale include family crucifixions at the seasonal Christmas Tree Lot/Pumpkin Patch off Kinneret Canyon Highway.

Those in line to be saved are also reminded to take the following precautions:

  • Cancel all reservations and summer camp plans for children
  • Rescind all birthday party invitations
  • Tell students not to study for final exams or complete pending homework assignments
  • Ensure that all activities slated for next weekend can be easily cut short if necessary, keeping loved ones close to home
  • Cancel all scheduled bill payments and health insurance plans (supporting the Republican efforts to abolish Medicare is also highly recommended)
  • Default on any outstanding loans
  • Distance yourselves from any people, even public officials, attempting to persuade you that the world will not end on May 21; they are likely to be agents of the Beast

Continue to follow coverage of the Earth’s final days in our “Countdown to the End Times” section.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.