Friday, May 13, 2011

Second Day of May 21 Apocalypse Disasters Hit Southern U.S. States and Billy Graham

SAN ANTONIO, Texas -- Severe storms across several states in the southern region of the United States caused havoc on Thursday, leaving a wake of property damage and power outages behind. With these storms coming just a day after the destructive earthquake in Spain, Harold Camping, Family Stations’ president, was elated to report that God’s wrath is progressing according to plan, and that the end of the world should certainly begin on May 21, as prophesied.

Texas Storms
According to the National Weather Service, hail the size of golf balls battered San Antonio on Thursday. By early morning, over one inch of rain had already fallen. The forecast for Austin appeared equally grim, with about 5,000 Austin Energy customers left without power as of this writing.

Residents in Uvalde, Dimmit, and Lee Counties also reported three tornado sightings.

Levees Could be Breached in Mississippi and Louisiana
Having already flooded hundreds of thousands of acres of land across the South, the rain-swollen Mississippi River is now threatening levees in Mississippi and Louisiana. Workers are tirelessly struggling to reinforce the water retaining structures to protect riverfront towns as the levels rise.

Priority Rapture Seating for Some Christians
In related news, 92-year-old evangelist Billy Graham has been hospitalized with pneumonia. Sources close to Family Stations explained that some of God’s chosen followers may be spared the torments to come, and will be called to Heaven before the October 21 collapse of the universe in its entirety.

Although Graham’s doctor verified that antibiotics have been administered and that the religious icon remains in stable condition, Family Stations insiders say that their followers are being urged to pray for Graham’s health to take a turn for the worst.
“It would be a shame to think that someone as instrumental to the Christian movement as Mr. Graham would have to endure the unimaginable agony of Armageddon,” one church spokesperson told reporters. “Our prayers for Billy Graham’s sudden death in the night go out to his family and congregation.”

The spokesman also said that Harold Camping has grave concerns for those people in Texas without access to electricity and, therefore, the Internet and radio.

“The Bible is very clear -- salvation is unmerited, cannot be achieved by good works or prayer, and is a pure act of God’s grace. The only hope available to Christians is to listen to Mr. Camping’s radio program for instruction. But without power, the people in Texas may be damned. There’s nothing we can do to help, and we feel just awful about it. I imagine they’ll try to take shelter in local houses of worship, but that could be even more dangerous. Churches have become apostate. They’re deceitful tools of the devil. Time, though, is a critical factor right now. Heaven’s filling up to capacity, and we may just have to cut our losses with Texas.”

When pressed to clarify the capacity of Heaven, Family Stations representatives informed The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that, based on Camping’s infallible calculations, only 200 million souls will be saved.

With 153,000 deaths occurring per day around the globe, according to World Health Organization data, Heaven would likely have reached its limit of souls in 3.5 years, absent the certainty of the Rapture. However, with the five-month period of apocalypse ramping up, Camping’s analysts predict that the Lord will be calling approximately 1.4 million souls home per day from here on out.

Continue to follow all the breaking End Times news in our dedicated “Countdown to the End Times” section.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody.