Saturday, January 21, 2017

Melania Trump Redecorates White House with Startling Renovations

melania trump redecorates white house

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- This week marks a transformative shift as President Donald Trump prepares the White House for his occupation. It is customary for new residents to redecorate the living quarters and other domestic areas of the property. Some rooms remain off-limits, but the new president may generally change the top two floors of the 132-room estate. As Marie Claire notes, “Usually, the First Lady has taken the lead on redecorating the family living spaces, so if the Trumps follow tradition, Melania’s taste will dictate what the top two floors of the White House look like for the next four years.” Judging by the radical renovations Melania had installed on Friday, the nation has a clear picture of the direction in which Trump plans to lead America.

Making the White House White Again

Inside the home, Trump’s team began making alterations rapidly. President Obama’s rug, emblazoned with inspirational quotes from American history, was quickly discarded. In its place, a sallow and jaundiced carpet, with a sunburst pattern, was laid. Insiders report that the wispy, wiry fabric is made from the same materials as Trump’s toupee.

Obama’s burgundy curtains were burned, with Trump’s accustomed gold drapes hanging in their stead. Throughout the iconic domicile, portraits of the nation’s founders were also replaced by various headshots, magazine covers and sexually suggestive photos of Melania, chronicling her modeling career.

Washington traditionalists have long worried that Trump’s garish tastes could lead to the aesthetic ruin of the White House. “Graceland is what happens when white trash comes into money,” one interior design expert said. “Trump’s gaudy, perverse, tacky and melodramatic predilections threaten to transform this beautiful manse into a vomitous, clashing, motley, marble-laden Douglas Sirk backdrop -- and all of it tinged with the urinary luster of gold fixtures covering each square inch of every room. I absolutely believe Graceland will look quaint and unassuming by comparison.”

Trump assured the American people that no other major changes would be made after a slight adjustment to the Lincoln Bedroom. A group of attractive women from Russia were covering the floors in plastic and fitting the bed with rubber sheets.

Decor of a Demented Mind: America’s Citadel

Of course, the most striking addition to the White House comes from the dramatic exterior changes organized by Melania.

“I wanted a symbol of power and proven leadership, of terrible conquest and dominance,” Melania said. “I was reminded of a cathedral near where I grew up. It was a building of unusual design. It had no analogues or precedents in any architecture. Children were told the spires were meant to depict a great bonfire rising into the heavens -- the aftermath of savage raids on innocent Asians by the tsar’s forces and the spoils they burned in effigy. Engineers called the structure improbable, disconnected, absurd, all over the place, disjointed, incoherent and even frightening. These are the qualities that my husband exudes. These are the traits that captured the imaginations and loyalty of the American people.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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