Wednesday, January 4, 2017

McConnell Won’t Tolerate “Hypocrite Dems” Blocking SCOTUS Pick Like GOP


SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- In an audacious proclamation bordering on operatic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell declared on Wednesday that the American public will not tolerate attempts by Democrats to block Trump’s Supreme Court nominations. His remarks followed Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s intimation that Democrats in Congress could stall the president-elect’s efforts to fill the vacancy left by deceased Justice Antonin Scalia. The GOP has a longstanding and cherished tradition of hamstringing Democrat-sponsored proposals and appointments. They refused to hold confirmation hearings for Judge Merrick Garland, Obama’s centrist pick to serve on the nation’s highest court. That position languished for 10 months. Garland’s nomination expired this week with the 114th Congress. “For Democrats to steal the Republican playbook and go against their own moral standards just shows what hypocrites they are,” McConnell’s representatives said.

High-Minded Dems Sink to GOP’s Level

As the voice of the majority Republicans on Capitol Hill, McConnell championed a doctrine of opposing any legislation or appointments submitted by members of the Democratic Party, regardless of their merits.

Although Dems have delayed voting on questionable judicial nominees in the past, they have never refused confirmation hearings for those individuals. McConnell’s Republicans made history by successfully thwarting Obama’s SCOTUS pick.

“The Democrats love to hold themselves to a lofty standard and play the part of righteous victim when they lose,” McConnell allegedly told colleagues. “Michelle Obama solidified these ideals when she roared that ‘When they go low, we go high.’ Well they must all be high now if they think the American people will tolerate or forgive this hypocrisy.”

Why Democrats Lose: People Expect More of Them

McConnell noted that most U.S. citizens, regardless of party affiliation, anticipate a degree of underhanded dealings, political obstruction and unflinching partisanship when it comes to Republican tactics. Under McConnell, the GOP has flirted with and threatened a federal government shutdown countless times throughout Obama’s tenure. Whenever conservatives in the House or Senate failed to get their way -- over budget ceilings, healthcare reform, debt and other issues -- McConnell’s go-to solution was threatening to close down federal operations.

Democrats, he argued, have consistently set the bar too high for themselves. As a result, the public expects more of them. “The greater the expectation, the stronger the disappointment,” McConnell said. “When you slink as low to the ground as Republicans do, you don’t have that hard a fall. And when you do collapse into the dirt, it’s never a surprise.”

The advisers and aides closest to the senate majority chief did clarify that McConnell’s attacks on Democrats had little to do with their strategy. For the most part, they noted, McConnell welcomed their approach. He also praised Democrats for finally uniting to impede the movements of political adversaries, a decision he called “three decades late.”

“Mr. McConnell is not arguing against the idea of weakening the ethical principles of parliamentary procedure to blackmail opponents,” a spokesperson explained, “he is attacking Democrats for engaging in the very Republican practices they so often condemn. If they, like their conservative foes, want to cripple the government, divide the country and harm Americans to further their own agendas through this type of extortion, then they have truly sunk to our level. And that, to some extent, makes them more disingenuous, dishonest and dishonorable. It shows that the Democratic Party will not stand behind its own moral precepts and values when it’s shoved against the ropes. This is precisely why Donald Trump and the GOP received a heroic mandate by the people, and why the world is lavishing such accolades upon that calling.”

(c) 2017. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All articles are works of satire. See disclaimers.

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