SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Although several of the entertainment industry’s most prominent celebrities and performers have turned down invitations to Donald Trump’s inaugural celebration, the event promises to be a concert for the people -- and perhaps even by the people. On December 22, Trump tweeted: “The so-called ‘A’ list celebrities are all wanting tixs to the inauguration, but look what they did for Hillary, NOTHING. I want the PEOPLE!” Sources close to the president-elect say he will make good on that statement by encouraging audience members to headline the event, which has now been drastically scaled down and re-themed as “an elegant karaoke party,” according to Kellyanne Conway.
Struggling to See the StarsIn addition to three of the 80 Rockettes, other big names honoring the 45th president will include partial-hit-wonder Three Doors Down, the anti-LGBT members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (who passionately supported California’s Proposition 8), a 16-year-old reality television personality, Toby Keith, Lee Greenwood and, yes, perhaps you. Persistent rumors also hint at some exciting surprises. Conservative rocker Ted Nugent will likely premier a 21-Gun Concerto, composed specifically for the event.
Trump has spent much of his career brushing elbows with Hollywood’s finest, but his divisive campaign and derogatory statements have alienated the more liberal cross-sections of the entertainment industry. On Monday, a Bruce Springsteen cover band canceled its appearance. Broadway icon Jennifer Holliday also announced her decision to pull out after realizing that minority and LGBT communities basically pay her salary.
Those timorous thespians and pusillanimous performers aside, a host of unique acts will take the stage to regale Trump supporters with an unorthodox but rousing spectacle, in the idiom of the president-elect himself.
- Southern cooking maven Paula Deen will host a light-hearted segment in which she will teach the audience how to prepare her famous fried chicken, grits, watermelon appetizers, BBQ ribs, peach cobbler, sweet potato pie and other well-known “n****r dishes that’ll help us win over the darkies,” Deen said.
- Miley Cyrus is tentatively slated to appear in a sexy Fu Manchu outfit and sing the “Siamese Cat Song” from Disney’s “Lady and the Tramp.”
- Mel Gibson and Jon Voight will tickle everyone’s funny bone with a new twist on the old Abbott and Costello routine, called “Jews on First.”
- For the intellectual, former “Grey’s Anatomy” star Isaiah Washington will deliver an informative lecture on the Final Solution to the Faggot Problem, which organizers believe is an anti-smoking campaign targeting British youth.
- ”Seinfeld” legend Michael Richards, aka Kramer, will step into the shoes of departed comedy juggernaut George Carlin, delivering a hilarious bit titled “18,000 Words You Can’t Say to Blacks, Japs, Chinamen, Queers and Chicanos.”
- Debonair Bond-extraordinaire Sean Connery will demonstrate the proper way to grope lovely ladies and bitchslap hysterical women.
- Teen idol Kirk Cameron will deliver the official prayer for the event and then point out members of the audience who will burn in hell or be abandoned to murderers and sodomites post-Rapture.
- A dancing bear from a Russian circus is also expected to defecate and urinate on the stage between performances.
Ted Nugent to Premier New 21-Gun ConcertoTed Nugent is expected to perform at the event, although his appearance has been shrouded in secrecy. The iconic axeman and crossbowman revealed that he has composed a piece dedicated to Trump’s presidency, which will take the concept of a rock opera and transform it into a firearm-fueled fortissimo.
“When Frank Zappa appeared on the Steve Allen Show in 1963, he played a bicycle,” Nugent explained. “Just banged drumsticks or something on a bike, man. He was a liberal scumbag piece of crap, too, but he proved that you can make music out of anything. I’m going to top Zappa, and I’m going to honor the patriots of this country when I do.”
“The 21-Gun Concerto is exactly what it sounds like -- 21 different types of weapons as instruments,” he added. “You’re gonna have bullets ricocheting off statues of towel heads, splintering wooden dummies of Obama, and blasting through paper targets of women who can’t shut their mouths about Donald Trump trying to pry open their p***ies. It’s gonna be glorious.”
You Could Be the Inauguration’s Next SuperstarOnly 200 buses applied for parking permits for Inauguration Day. Conversely, about 1,200 registered for permits to shuttle protesters to the Women’s March. This weekend, Trump took to Facebook and desperately began inviting anyone willing to attend, with the promise of waiving ticket fees. The Palmer Report has also noted that Trump officials may be paying seat fillers to flesh out the scores of empty chairs at the ceremony.
The scarcity of acts and concertgoers may present challenges for Trump’s team, but the situation could be an amazing opportunity for aspiring performers. “Anyone who’s ever wanted to be a star or America’s next singing sensation will have the chance,” an event organizer said. “Inauguration Day is almost entirely concentrated on a big karaoke machine now. We’re urging attendees to take the stage and cover America in a flowing shower of song.”
Trump officials implied that breakout talent with the right set of pipes could be selected to appear on an upcoming reality show produced by Trump. Unlike President Obama, who inspired heavy hitting entertainers to showcase his inauguration, Trump wants the American people to shine.
“It’s a fantastic opportunity for fantastic people to be the voices of America, a fantastic country, even when the press makes it feel like Nazi Germany,” Trump said. “Just fantastic. We don’t want phony Hollywood types and Grammy winners. We need real patriots to take the stage and let the nation hear what life will be like over the next four years. Just their raw, untrained, inexperienced, jittery, pitchy and maybe even disturbing voices. A show that depicts the true spirit of this country in the 21st century. To paraphrase a fantastic president from the past, ask not what my inauguration can do for you, but what you can do for my inauguration.”
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