Friday, January 7, 2011

Keenen Ivory Wayans and Every Other Celebrity in the World Dead

Wayans discusses his death today with friends.
SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- According to a breaking story on Twitter, Keenen Ivory Wayans, the comedian and creator of the immensely popular sketch comedy “In Living Color,” has died. Using the feed @CNN, which is not the official feed of Cable News Network but carries with it enough gravitas for credulity’s sake, the tweet’s author went on to describe circumstances far more dire than Wayans’ death: every celebrity around the globe -- actors, musicians, authors, athletes, and rich people who appear on reality television shows -- has died. The news has shaken the very foundations of the world community and left billions wondering what they have to look forward to after a long day of work.

This month, numerous headlines alleging the deaths of celebrities such as Owen Wilson, Eddie Murphy, Charlie Sheen, and Aretha Franklin have been posted on social networking sites. Until today, every account was proven to be a hoax. But now, according to @CNN, even these people have gone to their great rewards.

The puzzle of these mass deaths has presented investigators with perhaps the largest mystery since every inhabitant in the Roanoke Colony vanished abruptly around 1597.

The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript contacted Wayans’ agent for a statement. Too distraught to discuss the loss, she handed the phone to Wayans.

“I don’t know how to feel about being dead,” Wayans said. “I’m not even sure what happened. I was on the sound stage recording some voice overs when the news came across my co-worker’s Twitter. He looked up at me, tears welling in his eyes, and said, ‘You’re dead, Keenen. How? Why you?’ Then he told me to go into the light. I haven’t seen anything, but I’m still not sure how this is supposed to work.”

Some experts say that the situation may just be a bureaucratic error. According to Sydney Stenz, an anthropologist who used to teach at San Narciso College, this has happened before.

“Sometime during World War II, I recall, a U.S. Air Force doctor serving in the Pacific would sign his name on flight manifests to meet the required quota for air time, but he never actually got on the planes. When one of those planes crashed, the doctor -- Doc Daneeka, he was called -- was pronounced dead by the armed services. He attempted to correct the oversight with the military brass, but the process had already started. Even his own wife refused to believe that he was alive. The paperwork was quite clear about his demise. Eventually, Daneeka moved to Northern California where he found a Thanatoid commune -- a group of people not dead but no longer alive, who continue to exist in a sort of boring limbo, not dissimilar to their waking lives. I think that’s what happened here.”

Several of the dead celebrities have been spotted on the streets, stirring premature fears among community members of a zombie apocalypse. But until the paperwork is cleared up and the Twitter feed properly vetted, the world’s celebrities officially no longer exist.