Thursday, January 20, 2011

Sociologists Urge Americans to Stay the Hell Away from Alaska

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- Since learning of Phil Harris’ death last year, sociologists from San Narciso College have been working feverishly to complete a lengthy report on life -- and more importantly, death -- in the 49th state. Today, they published their preliminary findings.

Regis Ketamine, who spearheads the project, said, “It may seem hasty, since we’re still finalizing the document, but our studies consistently point to a single truth: all U.S. citizens need to stay the hell away from Alaska. It’s full of monsters.”

Harris, a tattooed and tough-talking fishing boat captain whose exploits were captured on the popular television show “Deadliest Catch,” suffered a stroke in January 2010 while in port at St. Paul Island, Alaska, off-loading the fishing vessel he ran. And yet, the cause of his blood clot has raised suspicion with forensic investigators. His death, say researchers, provides further evidence to support the overwhelming conclusion they have drawn in their paper.

Ketamine cites numerous cases of inexplicable and violent demises unique to the region, all involving elements of a rare type of cannibalism.

“More than the otherworldly circumstances surrounding these deaths,” he said, “it’s the similarities that concern us.” To illustrate his point, Ketamine described two such situations in the abstract of his report.

One case, which we call “Into the Wild,” is about Christopher McCandless’ journey into self-discovery amid the Alaskan wilderness. Along the way, he encounters a series of characters who shape his life. He is found dead, starved to death, drained if you will, next to the derelict bus where he had taken up shelter.
The second case, which we call “30 Days of Night,” details sheriff Eben Oleman’s journey into self-discovery amid the Alaskan wilderness. Along the way, he encounters a series of characters that shape his life. His townspeople are attacked and eaten, drained if you will, by a hoard of marauding Eastern European vampires who find that a stretch of 30 sunless days in Barrow sets the perfect scene for an uninterrupted blood orgy.
“Into the Wild” postulates how McCandless died, but never resolves the question entirely. He had a rifle, smarts and plenty of moxie; what could have happened? There were no witnesses. We believe investigators performed only a cursory examination of the corpse, insufficient to uncovering the granular details needed for a comprehensive report. In the autopsy, medical technicians differentiated between the natural decomposition of the remains and damage caused by feeding scavengers. However, we believe that a more thorough examination of the neck and torso would have revealed startling results. Namely, that McCandless was destroyed by vampires. As we learned in “30 days of Night,” through the testimony of the lone survivor, shooting the undead achieves nothing; they must be decapitated. It’s a lesson McCandless learned too late.
It also speaks to the fallacy of these free-for-all, open carry gun laws in certain states. We honestly believe that guns are not the best form of Second Amendment protections. The most appropriate arms to bear, given our data, would be axes. Decapitation is much easier, the visible deterrent of swinging a large blade is more compelling, and you can actually do something useful with axes, like chopping wood for shelter or fire. You can’t shoot down a tree with a Glock and make a house out of it. And if you try to assassinate a public official, we believe an axe-wielding psychopath is easier to subdue and disarm than a sniper.

Per Ketamine’s findings, some hope for a solution previously existed, interestingly enough, with former vice presidential candidate and Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Palin is a staunch lifetime member of the Wasilla Assembly of God Church. Draconian as the church might appear, noted Kenyan witch hunter Thomas Muthee oversees this congregation as a sort of modern-day Van Helsing. Palin belonged to a select group of members who received a special consecration from Muthee that protects them against witchcraft. As one of the “chosen blessed,” she can be identified by unique forms of stigmata, which appear as phrases and random words on the palms of her hands. We know that she regularly used her gifts to hunt werewolves roaming the wilds of Alaska. To optimize her power, she patrolled the areas from an airplane and fired upon her prey from above.

It is impossible to tell how many people her actions saved, as these lycanthropes had begun moving closer to residential sites. Now that she has ostensibly retired from political life, Alaska is no longer a “safe zone.” We urge all people to avoid this area until 2012, when Palin will either run for office with Rick Perry or usher in the destruction of the world as prophesied by ancient Aztec writings.

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