Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Alien TV Signal Scare Linked to Advanced Terrestrial Civilization

SAN NARCISO, Calif. -- This past weekend, local cable television provider RJ Fletcher Communications received numerous reports that one of their channels was broadcasting an extraterrestrial signal. Callers to the company’s customer service line indicated that although the race looked human and seemed to be speaking English, the civilization appeared far more advanced and cultured than our own.

One caller who witnessed the broadcast told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript that he was able to identify the beings as alien by their dark, stained teeth and their oddly inverted aging process. The caller, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that as they got older, females of the species appeared to become more masculine while males grew more feminine. Another caller expressed concern that while this otherworldly race placed great value on taking care of its sick and elderly, its citizens seemed to be “living lives of quiet desperation.”

George Newman, general manager of RJ Fletcher Communications, immediately launched an investigation into the signal, which researchers at SETI had no record of. Today, Newman announced that based on the information provided by the callers, he was able to trace the incident to a recent re-ordering of the channel lineup, which placed BBC America in a lower range normally reserved for the local PBS station.

Newman said, “The station is usually overlooked by most viewers. They mistake it for another pay-per-view station or an outrageously priced home shopping channel, due to its pledge drives and paltry subscription premiums. Interestingly, the calls disappeared when BBC America started broadcasting its normal six-hour blocks of ‘Star Trek - The Next Generation.’ One can assume that BBC can only broadcast a minimal amount of British programming without setting off a nationwide panic.”

The company proactively replaced the PBS station in advance of President Obama's eventual capitulation to House Republicans’ efforts to defund to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. The cable provider has returned BBC America to its former position at channel 762 and replaced PBS with a station that appeals to almost the exact demographic: Viacom’s Logo TV.

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