John Boehner, the new speaker of the House, took up the gavel this morning and pledged through a cataract of tears and sobs a new era of change for the Republican Party. After aides retrieved a box of tissues for the GOP’s golden boy, a reference often attributed to his jaundiced complexion and nicotine-stained teeth, Boehner promised to aggressively drive forward the conservative agenda that brought his party back to power. CSPAN reporters stated that not since the premier of “Ishtar” had they seen so much excitement on the House floor.
A largely ceremonial roll-call of the chamber’s 435 members ended with Boehner earning enough votes to dethrone Nancy Pelosi as speaker. In remarks made moments after accepting the gavel, Boehner described himself as humbled.
“There was a time, a time of great doubt and introspection, when I didn’t think this would happen -- that the America I loved, the America destroyed by a socialist, liberal agenda, could be resurrected. I am truly humbled to be here before you. Mostly because I cry a lot, and I worry that this behavior makes me look like a nancy girl. That my tears weaken me. But after today, I know that the good people of this nation understand that a real man can cry. A lot.”
Return to Conservative Values
Several times in his address, Boehner acknowledged the American people’s desire to return to the conservative values of the previous administration. But he also admitted the importance of progress.
“That’s why we’re called neo-conservatives,” Boehner emphasized. “Because we’re new conservatives. But as conservatives, we’re also old. So, we’re the new old, but newer. It says so right in the name.”
Sensing confusion among press members and other Representatives, Boehner clarified his position.
“It’s really very simple. Conservatives give the people what they truly desire: the idea that they can attain peace of mind and riches. It doesn’t matter if they can’t or will never be allowed to, what matters is the idea. This country is just one big idea. That’s why we call it the Democratic Experiment. Because it’s the concept that counts, not the reality. Without the wealthy as an example of toiling away in the trenches and realizing the American Dream, what would the lower classes have to work toward? Nothing. Universal health care, social programs, equal rights, free-for-all marriage, bringing jobs back to the country, taxing top earners, healing the environment, regulating banks? With the government handing out a quality of life like this for everyone, you end up with a dull, lazy rabble. Or the French. Without military conflict, you rob people of the ability to recognize threats or appreciate peace. What Obama has done is to make the country ignorant and unproductive.”
“Sometimes the best change is no change at all,” Boehner explained. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And if it breaks, let the Democrats clean it up. That’s what their Party lives for: a nanny state full of molly-coddlers trying to help everybody out.”
Boehner cursorily praised the Democrats’ efforts to continue working on Bush era programs, but criticized their accomplishments as misguided.
“Sure, they did their best to continue the wars Bush started, but they got it all confused. Pulling troops from Iraq, where the terror of 9/11 started, and then redirecting them to Afghanistan was clearly a misstep. We left that country years ago. Mission accomplished! Why go back? That’s just a waste of resources and money.”
Boehner also referenced the devastated economy as another example of Democratic failure. He reminded the audience that under Bush the economy thrived at levels close to those of the Clinton years. It was only after the American people realized that Bush was ineligible for reelection that the panic began.
“We can pinpoint the day the markets collapsed to the day the middle-class men and women of this country realized that George Bush would no longer be around to provide for them. But the Democrats spending trillions of tax payer dollars to fix the economy was as absurd a policy as paying off a credit card with a loan. Now Obama wants to bring manufacturing plants back to America. That’s just more debt. You know how expensive it is to build a company here? It’s a lot cheaper to let our Asian allies do the heavy lifting. Unless, of course, you want to pay twice as much for your consumer goods. Which you won’t be able to do without a job. And the new GOP is all about job creation. Military enrollment will be a big employment booster over the next two years. We’ve got our eye on Iran, Syria, and North Korea. That’s going to be a lot of work.”
On the topic of outsourcing, Boehner said, “He [Obama] opposes outsourcing to our international partners, but that’s how we bridge the divide. That’s how we bring Democracy to other countries. And this from a president who may not be a natural citizen of these United States. Now that’s what I call outsourcing. If he were just assembling toys or iPods, it would make sense.”
Boehner assured his constituents that the Republican Party of the 21st century will not abandon the country’s core principles, which he accused the Democrats of compromising since 2008.
“Separation of church and state, the immigration melting pot, the right to life and liberty, these are all progressive, socialist ideologies. They’re certainly not free market values. Those are the talking points of activists, not the America of our Founders. During the last two years, we have become less safe and less prosperous. The Democrats tried to close down the prison that houses our enemy combatants. They have allowed gays to serve in the military. My party only allows gays to serve secretly in Congress. Covert surveillance measures that kept America safe under the Patriot Act have been abandoned, but WikiLeaks keeps on posting classified data. What’s next? Removing the TSA screening devices? Our economy is crumbling under Obamacare, which denies the medical insurance industry its ability to profit. And gun control? What will you do when North Koreans paddle over here in their little fishing boats to take over the country?”
“Change isn’t something you can believe in,” Boehner concluded, “because it’s unknown. As a devout Christian with a working knowledge of my Lord, I can tell you that you can’t just accept things on faith. It’s scary. So I say, ‘Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.’ We’re changing too, but back to something familiar and comfortable. It’s time we leave the nursery and grow up. Every hippie from the 60’s became a yuppie in the 80’s. Those who didn’t ended up as hobos. And I see that in these chambers today -- hobos who refused to give up the search for Never Never Land. And now they have no House.”