Friday, January 14, 2011

Amid Rumors of Cross Dressing, Alleged Ex-Girlfriend Calls Kelsey Grammer a “Scat Freak”

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. -- Kelsey and Camille Grammer’s 13-year marriage came to an abrupt end this July when Kelsey announced his intentions to divorce Camille, just as she began filming “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Since that time, Kelsey has been courting a 29-year-old flight attendant named Katye Walsh.

Although the Grammer’s marriage lacked the uncomfortable displays of public groping or the marathon tartric sex session enjoyed by Sting and his wife, reported as approaching 18 years, Kelsey and Camille seemed to be thriving as a Hollywood couple. The truth of troubles in the romance not only came as a surprise but made national headlines after accusations of cross-dressing and infidelity, which Camille intimated during an interview this week with Howard Stern. But today, Kelsey Grammer’s public persona took another hit with new revelations of his deviant bedroom behavior. Blodwynn Meroving, who claims to have dated the “Cheers” and “Frasier” star in the early 1980s, suggested that cross-dressing was just part of Grammer’s sexual fetishes.

“Worse than wearing women’s clothes, Kelsey was a scat freak,” Meroving said.

Allegations of Kelsey’s Infidelity and Transvestism
During a January 12 interview with Howard Stern on his Sirius XM radio program, Camille Grammer implied that her estranged husband secretly cross dresses. For nearly 30 minutes, she discussed embarrassing and intimate details of the relationship, which involved descriptions of her husband’s small waist, his fondness for dressing in her panties, and accusations that Kelsey lobbied to land her the role on “Housewives of Beverly Hills” to get her out of the house so he could carry out his affair with Walsh.

Camille, a reality television star and former Playboy model, eventually stopped gossiping, citing her reluctance to divulge personal information. “Because I am a very private person,” she concluded.

“Scat Freak” Allegations
This morning, just as the dust seemed to be settling for the Grammers, a woman in San Diego, Calif., came forth and told a local paper that she had dated Kelsey Grammer while she was completing her studies in the chaos theory field of applied mathematics at UC San Diego.

Blodwynn Meroving, now 44, said, “I didn’t mind Kelsey wearing my underwear or my heels. I’m pretty adventurous, and it made for some amusing sex play. But the scat, it was just disgusting. No matter what I did to satisfy him in bed, he’d stop and say, ‘Wait, I know what would make this fantastic!’ Then he’d wander over to the corner, start grunting and groaning while he fiddled with his junk, and scat would fill the room. I swear, it was just awful. I don’t know how any reasonable human being can function after enduring that much crap.”

According to Meroving, Kelsey Grammer’s secret lusts included scat singing, an improvised vocal jazz style where singers utter nonsense words, noises, and incoherent syllables consisting of fricatives, stop consonants, and open vowels. Lyrics akin to “shoo-doo-shoo-bee-ooo-bee” are common in scat singing. The style was popularized in the 1940s by musicians such as Ella Fitzgerald, Cab Calloway, Slim Gaillard, Leo Watson, Betty Carter, and others.

“It was just too hard to stay in the mood,” Meroving explained. “First, everything had to stop because Kelsey needed to find ‘the right’ record and put it on the turntable. Then, the room would fill with these loud, silly, grating noises. Like a cat in heat or a wounded rabbit. No, that’s not right. More like a Cajun with a cleft palate and Down Syndrome getting his legs caught in a meat grinder. At first, I thought Kelsey was playing records of people speaking in tongues -- you know, like in those pentecostal churches? But this was much worse. I just wanted to plunge an ice pick in my eardrums. The only thing more terrible would be a duet with Paris Hilton and Nickelback.”

Even jazz enthusiasts admit that trying to make love to scat singing would be challenging.

“I suppose it’s not a perverted fetish, but I’d rather be rattling the rafters with a transvestite than a scat freak. There’s just something too primal and impure about it. Kelsey is a good man, though, and I think the press is making too much of Camille’s statements. There’s really nothing that strange about him. Except for the time he followed me into the bathroom and asked if he could watch me poop.”