Friday, January 21, 2011

V for Victory or W for Walmart? DHS Contracts Megastore to Help Fight Terrorism

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano has announced the expansion of the national “If You See Something, Say Something” campaign to hundreds of Walmart stores across the nation. Radical leftist organizations are already comparing the initiative to an Orwellian dystopia, with the DHS as Big Brother. Movements such as “You are the Resistance” and “V for Victory” sprung into being within hours of the announcement. The DHS says these groups, with their anti-establishment stance and anarchist message, are themselves skirting the fringe of internal terrorism.

Partnership with Walmart
“Fighting terrorism is everyone’s responsibility,” Napolitano told reporters at a press conference to explain the enhanced program. “The new partnership between the United States and one of its largest corporate employers ensures the safety and security of our country.”

Walmart has a long and venerable history of reporting suspicious activity. In fact, the DHS credits the retail giant with laying the groundwork for the agency’s new policy, which allows civilians to become internal spies, immersing otherwise unremarkable people in a world of intrigue and duty.

As proof, Napolitano cited the over 1,000 parents that keen and quick thinking Walmart employees have put behind bars for child pornography.

“We have file cabinets full of these cases, where under-educated minimum wage earners helped incarcerate lewd child pornographers,” one DHS agent told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript.

The reference describes a series of incidents between 1990 and 2000, when Walmart employees at photo processing desks alerted federal agents to an uncanny number of parents bringing nude pictures of their children in for developing.

“It was just disgusting and immoral. Sinful,” said Gertrude Sneuth, a Walmart manager in Bennington Vale. “These little babies, I mean newborns and infants, were posed lying on blankets, in bubble baths, giggling naked while resting on their parents’ arms. Just the worst kind of smut. So we reported them, and they’re now serving big time in the big house.”

Fortunately, all the babies affected were relocated to orphanages and foster families, safely removed from the potential harm of molestation and abuse at the hands of their biological parents.

“Foster care is a better quality of life,” Sneuth continued. “The process to become a foster parent, I hear, is very complex and rigorous. Only the best people qualify.”

New "See Something, Say Something" PSA
In Napolitano’s most recent Public Service Announcement, she applauds Walmart for helping “millions of shoppers across the nation identify and report indicators of terrorism, crime and other threats to law enforcement authorities.”

She added, “Quite frankly, with the economy the way it is, and with all the budget cuts we’re facing, we wouldn’t have the resources to continue with these kinds of countermeasures on our own.”

The video encourages citizens to report any strange behavior or persons they notice who cause suspicion. Officials downplay concerns that the program will persuade people to spy on their neighbors. But they also say that the country is at a critical crossroads, where history needs to be reevaluated.

Napolitano said, “It’s been nearly 60 years since we executed the Rosenbergs for treason, but maybe they were on to something. Maybe we need to reconsider the value of everyday folks as domestic intelligence agents.” Critics derided her analogy as inaccurate, ridiculous and.“just plain stupid.”

The new DHS video depicts commonly overlooked threats to peace and American values to educate average people about the deceptively innocuous dangers lurking in their neighborhoods.

“If you have to look twice at something, or if someone near you makes you uncomfortable, it’s better to call the authorities right away than take a chance,” Secretary Napolitano advised.

The DHS also wishes to remind citizens not to call 911 or local law enforcement if they observe behavior with which they disapprove. All issues of this nature are considered federal matters and terrorism related. For that reason, citizens are urged to contact their local Walmarts immediately. Employees are standing by to process the complaints.

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