Tuesday, June 3, 2014

George R.R. Martin Criticizes Spanish Abdication, Sends Parliament Treatment of How It Should Have Happened

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- After serving nearly 40 years as Spain’s monarch, King Juan Carlos announced his abdication of the throne on Monday. Crown Prince Felipe, his son, will ascend to rule in his place. Early in the king’s reign, he proved instrumental in paving the way for Spanish democracy after the oppressive dictatorship of Francisco Franco. Carlos remained a popular figure throughout most of his rule, but many Spaniards have admitted losing confidence in him over recent years, preferring his son instead. The king’s decision to step down was praised by the majority of the country. Across the Atlantic, however, the announcement was received less favorably. “A Song of Ice and Fire” author George R.R. Martin publicly lampooned the political maneuver as a “wasted opportunity” and an unrealistic “representation of how the game of thrones is played. No bloodshed, no treason, no assassinations and not even a hint of incest. What are we teaching today’s kids?”

Parliamentary leaders describe the planned succession as a model example of a smooth political power transition that benefits the Spanish people and their government.

In fact, the only semblance of turbulence, which was mild discord at best, occurred hours after the king’s announcement when a gathering of left-wing parties staged demonstrations for a referendum on the crown. However, the two most powerful parties in parliament will continue to support the monarchy. Local polls indicate that 86 percent of MPs will approve Prince Felipe’s succession.

“This whole process is just a travesty,” exclaimed Martin from his home in Santa Fe, New Mexico. “What are these people doing? There were over ten thousand demonstrators who showed up to protest the continuation of the monarchy, and then what? Nothing. They expressed their opinions and went home. They didn’t revolt or hire a bunch of mercenaries to attack. And the king -- what kind of legacy will he leave? Not one of iron rule. He just handed the crown over to his whelp of a son. Prince Felipe didn’t poison him or drive a longsword through his spleen or have his head impaled on a pike.”

Martin’s publicist said the author plans to send a manuscript to Spain’s parliament that offers a revised account of how events should have unfolded.

Details of the draft are sketchy, but those close to Martin expect the story to depict the prince as an effete yet sadistic and whore-mongering rapist who is betrayed by his illegitimate brother, a calculating military hero with a vendetta -- both men have been vying for the sexual attentions of their aunt. And as this internecine feud imperils the uneasy peace of the kingdom, a much larger threat emerges when feral hordes of Basque cannibals escape their bondage from the Pyrenees and march toward Madrid. Further attenuating the stability of the realm are reports of an exotic race of warriors from Morocco, who bring with them a strange religion that they will fight to spread at even the most terrible costs. And of course, there come heralds from Ibiza, the mysterious and untamed land across the slender sea, who tell awful tales of fallen fascists risen from the grave, led by the reanimated corpse of General Franco himself.

2014. Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License. All work is satirical. See disclaimers.