Saturday, September 17, 2011

Ron Artest Wins Legal Ownership of the Phrase “World Peace”

SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Despite delays due to unpaid parking tickets, a court commission in Los Angeles accepted Ron Artest’s petition to legally change his name. The Lakers forward had originally considered names such as “Cream Jesus,” “Girl Sushi Rebel,” “Wu Pang Loony Toontang” and “Tres Siete.” He eventually abandoned these names after teammates teased him about his lifelong obsession with dancing for the Wu tang klan. They also derided Artest as a “poser” for copying NFL wide receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, who popularized the concept of changing one’s name to match the number on one’s jersey.

Ron Artest will hereafter be known as Metta World Peace.

Mr. World Peace’s publicist said the player chose the traditional Buddhist word Metta because it means loving and kindness toward all. “Changing my name was meant to inspire and bring youth together all around the world,” World Peace said in a statement on Saturday. “After this short delay, my tickets have been paid and I’m glad that it is now official.”

Critics attacked Artest’s name change as a disingenuous ploy to generate money. Artest, they alleged, had amassed a mountain of parking tickets dating back to the mid-1990s, all held together by congealed bodily fluids and 150 pounds of cocaine.

But Bennington Vale’s F. Chester Greene, a late entry into the 2012 Republican presidential race, called Mr. World Peace’s motives loftier and more noble than that. Prior to entering politics, the multi-vocational Greene had served as a professional sports agent for Los Angeles based basketball, baseball, soccer and hockey teams.

“Ron Artest was an amazing athlete, and a dear friend,” Greene told The Bennington Vale Evening Transcript. “But he’s gone now, and in his place has risen Mr. World Peace, an even mightier presence on the basketball court and inspiration to the nation’s youth.”

Greene pointed out that the name change does not affect Metta’s existing endorsement deals, “Dancing with the Stars” agreement or contracts with the Lakers. But it does give the award-winning forward legal control of the rights to the phrase “World Peace.”

“So now, every time one of these ridiculous, tax-crazy, commie liberals starts in with their ‘world peace’ crap, they end up contributing to the economy they hate so much by putting money right into a business person’s pocket,” Greene continued. “Metta World Peace will receive a royalty each time some dirt gypsy invokes hippie ideals to criticize corporations, our troops overseas or the free market economy that makes America great. All said and done, I think Mr. World Peace might be the silver bullet to end our deficit nightmare. That and my credit card based health care reform.”

Concluding the interview, Greene counted all the times he had referred to Artest by the new surname “World Peace” and laughed, “In fact, it looks like I owe Metta World Peace about three dollars myself. Well, make that three dollars and change now.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.

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