Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Repeal Ushers in New Era of Hitherto Unknown Superhuman Soldiers

Photo courtesy AP
WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Last December, President Obama signed legislation to repeal the discriminatory military policy known as “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” which had become law in 1993 under President Clinton. Since that time, more than 14,500 U.S. service members were thrown out of the military under the policy, according to the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network. “Today, the discriminatory law known as ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ is finally and formally repealed,” Obama said in a statement. “As of today, patriotic Americans in uniform will no longer have to lie about who they are in order to serve the country they love.”

The repeal officially went into effect Tuesday, ushering in a new era for the U.S. armed forces. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta supported the decision and emphasized that the U.S. military would not tolerate mistreatment of gays in the ranks. But he also went a step further and boldly proclaimed that any retaliation against gay soldiers might unleash “the hounds of hell.” Based on Pentagon research, Panetta cautioned, GLBT troops may be the most dangerous and mighty warriors in the armed services.

”To hear my Republican colleagues describe the ‘threat’ of gays in the military, which they’ve been doing for years, we came to the incontrovertible conclusion that gays must be the most dangerous soldiers on the planet,” Panetta said.

Panetta also quoted conservative icon Barry Goldwater, who famously quipped, “You don’t have to be straight to shoot straight.” Even anecdotal evidence seems to support this stance, portraying homosexuals as unconquerable warriors with almost superhuman abilities.

“Within Congress’ conservative rank and file, you hear stories all the time about Marines refusing to serve with openly gay comrades,” Panetta explained. “We’re told that Marines won’t eat with them, won’t shower with them, and don’t want to share a foxhole with them. Why? Well, it’s said they’re afraid. Petrified. For a hardened and exhaustively trained combat Marine to live in the incapacitating terror that gays in his unit might suddenly disarm and overpower him, we must presume that homosexuals possess some kind of supernatural strength. A lot people in America call gays ‘unnatural.’ I guess that’s what they mean. Why have we not exploited these resources before now? With an all gay military, we could’ve killed bin Laden, liberated Iraq and conquered the Taliban within a few days.”

Just a few years ago, fellow military experts may have disagreed with Panetta, but not now.

“We just never questioned why so many Americans were afraid of homosexuals,” said U.S. Navy Admiral Mike Mullen. “In retrospect, what was there to be afraid of? Gays were always portrayed as flamboyant, scrawny, outrageous, effete cross-dressers. How was that scary? But they are, apparently. People tremble and cry in their presence. And now, now that I really focus on the fear, everything becomes so clear to me. One gay soldier must be more dangerous than the Terminator, the Hulk, Hercules and Rambo put together.”

Mullen’s revelation seemed to be affirmed by Republicans in government who continue to cower at the thought of gays unleashed. During the September 11, 2001 commemorations that took place earlier this month, Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern told a talk show host that homosexuality is a bigger threat to the United States than terrorism. Kern’s utter horror in the face of “angry homosexuals” led her to author a book on the subject.

“I think Admiral Mullen was right on target with the Hulk reference,” Panetta said. “Homosexuals may seem pretty meek and unassuming on the surface, but when they get riled up, look out. If they inspire more fear in an American than another terrorist attack, then we need to reassess the entire composition of our military. Seriously, we could end the War on Terror in a week if we could mobilize these elite fighting machines to our current theaters of battle. It might just come to be that world peace will rise under a rainbow colored banner. Wouldn’t that be something?”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.