Monday, September 12, 2011
Local Radio Station Issues Apology for “Tortuous” 9/11 Memorial Programming
During the early morning talk show “Pitches for Bitches,” which runs Mondays from midnight to 4:00 a.m. and offers dating advice to clumsy and lovelorn bachelors from hosts B Wack Cubed (a.k.a Lil Chuyblanca) and Nugget Funk DJ Scratch, Maas took over the mic and issued a public statement of contrition.
“To our loyal listeners in San Narciso County, who have kept this station alive through some pretty rough times and unfortunate indiscretions, I apologize profusely for the regrettable error in judgment that occurred on Sunday. I take full personal responsibility for the poorly conceived programming choice. Understanding that corporate news outlets across America were going to spend the day dredging up the somber and morose events of 10 years ago, we made a decision to remember that day musically. But it was inappropriate to look back with so narrow a focus. Of course, the debut of Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ was not the biggest tragedy that befell the country on September 11, 2001; but it was nonetheless a disaster that ruined the lives of many. Also, while John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a powerful, relevant piece of music that I felt resonated well with the spirit of the remembrance, playing 16 straight hours of covers by Seal, P!nk, India.Arie, Jeff Beck, Konono N°1, Oumou Sangare, Herbie Hancock, A Perfect Circle and countless others was beating a dead horse, burning it and peeing on the ashes. To describe the programming as the auditory equivalent of waterboarding, as many callers implied, was probably astute. Again, we apologize.”
(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.