Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Highlights from Republican Presidential Debate Viewing in Bennington Vale

Image courtesy of POLITICO
SAN NARCISO, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Reporting live on Twitter from the sports bar at Piers Addleson’s Pea House, Bennington Vale Evening Transcript staffers spent Wednesday evening covering the Reagan Library Republican Presidential Debate. Highlights, revelations and surprises from the event follow. Special thanks to Piers and Astrid Addleson for reserving space in the bar at the last minute for our reporters, who were aggressively denied press passes to the venue.

6:35 p.m. PDT: Immigration reform takes center stage. Michele Bachmann reveals that American sovereignty can be restored simply by erecting a giant fence along the country’s borders, segregating it from the rest of the world -- much in the same way as the U.S. government provides Native Americans with complete sovereignty.

Other candidates agree, further noting that building a 3.8 million square mile, machine gun-fortified fence around the United States will not only prevent immigrants from taking U.S. jobs but will itself create jobs.

Michele Bachmann then labels Mexicans “narco-terrorists” and asserts that without illegal immigrants, drugs would not otherwise exist in America. Ron Paul disagrees vehemently, claiming that American drug policies foster illegal immigration. Against the explicit instructions of his campaign advisers, Paul reverts to old Libertarian habits and blurts out that drugs should be legalized, along with ferrets as domestic pets. Suddenly out of control, Paul shouts, “Prostitution is a victimless crime that should also be legalized, regulated and taxed!”

Groans and gasps follow. Rick Perry’s wife faints on her husband’s under-aged male traveling companion/personal assistant. The camera operator quickly moves Paul out of frame and focuses on Herman Cain.

Cain attempts to intervene on Bachmann’s behalf, asking Ron Paul, “By that logic, Ron, you’re advocating we legalize activities that contribute to terrorism, such as Muslim community centers? You really want to make those legal?”

Governor Huntsmen quips that while the idea of lettuce pickers, field laborers and landscapers taking U.S. jobs used to be an unfounded, hyperbolic and stereotyped talking point, it’s now a real threat to many Americans who can’t even get jobs doing day labor. The other candidates scoff and roll their eyes. Rick Perry is heard whispering, “Who the hell let this dirty hippie in?”

6:41 p.m. PDT: Two candidates discuss their immigrant roots, but are quick to clarify that by stressing the importance of immigration to the growth and heritage of the United States, they are referring to European immigration prior to World War II.

6:45 p.m. PDT: When asked, Mitt Romney boldly marries himself to the Tea Party. As one of the more moderate Republicans in the debate, this comes as a surprise. However, analysts also point out that Romney hails from a faith that allows for multiple, concurrent and seemingly disparate marriages.

6:47 p.m. PDT: It’s revealed that if three minutes elapse without the spotlight candidate invoking the ghost of Ronald Reagan, snipers hidden throughout the library will gun that candidate down. The GOP’s mastery in keeping candidates on message is enviable.

6:50 p.m. PDT: Jon Huntsmen virtually destroys his remaining political prospects by speeding dangerously out of control toward the moderate, rational center. He chastises corporate influence on legislation, he calls for the withdrawal of U.S. troops overseas, he embraces science. During the next commercial break, aides remind him of Buddy Roemer and Tim Pawlenty. He says little else during the remainder of the debate.

6:51 p.m. PDT: Herman Cain, unusually reticent and largely ignored by moderators, is overheard humming Donna Summer’s “The Woman in Me.”

7:08 p.m. PDT: Romney bores the audience with details about his economic recovery outline, jobs creation plan, blah, blah, blah. What Americans really want is $2 a gallon gasoline prices and free Godfather’s pizza. Analysts begin referring to Romney as the “Konservative Kerry.”

7:16 p.m. PDT: Rick Perry announces that the fairy tale of Keynesian economics, a theory with more gaps in it than evolution, has finally died. He astutely points out the successes of supply side economics, which are evident every day -- just as each of God’s miracles.

7:24 p.m. PDT: Bachmann declares that the economy and the military have been ruined by the dubious wars President Obama began in Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran (?) and Libya. After doing the math, Huntsmen mumbles that Obama would be serving his third term had he started the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, which ultimately begs the other candidates to question whether term limits should be imposed on the office of the president.

With the three-minute deadline nearing, Bachmann promptly invokes Reagan, who never would have gotten involved with Libya.

7:31 p.m. PDT: A red laser dot hovers over Rick Santorum’s forehead. He notices in time and invokes Reagan. Herman Cain, captured briefly on camera, whistles a tune that sounds like Donna Summer’s “Sunset People.”

7.32 p.m. PDT: The camera returns to Santorum who, sweating and damp, looks extra lubey today.

7:36 p.m. PDT: Accused of being anti-science for refuting the idea that climate change is manmade, Bachmann and Santorum cleverly illustrate that the dinosaurs were killed off by dramatic changes in the climate and environment. However, when Adam and Eve were created three or four years later, ushering in the advent of humankind, the air cleared; and the planet has remained habitable ever since. Therefore, humans are not the cause of climate change, by scientific account. Huntsmen, who levied the accusation days before in the press, appears stunned and embarrassed.

7:40 p.m. PDT: Former Speaker Newt Gingrich, calculated and methodical, purposefully runs over time to distract his opponents. Presciently, he invokes Reagan immediately and then proceeds to announce that the Fed Chairman should be fired. In fact, the Federal Reserve should be disbanded. He likens Ben Bernanke to Old Man Potter from “It’s a Wonderful Life.” Big government, Gingrich alleges, has destroyed the economy: “This would never have happened if we would have allowed Wall Street professionals to guide the market.”

Gingrich checks the clock, spits at Ron Paul, dabs his mouth with a handkerchief, faces the camera at the three minute mark, and coolly utters the single word, “Reagan.”

7:43 p.m. PDT: Herman Cain is seen mouthing something on camera. In a humiliating turn of events, Closed Caption translators type out the words, which happen to be the lyrics to Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff.”

7:46 p.m. PDT: Candidates agree that the poor are not paying their fair share of taxes. Romney, Perry and Bachmann propose the creation of a large federal task force to locate and prosecute these freeloading traitors. They note that in the most severe recession since the Great Depression, every American has an obligation to contribute, save for those individuals eligible to receive Bush tax cuts. Interestingly, the requirement to invoke Ronald Reagan is waived by snipers during any mention of a recession.

7:50 p.m. PDT: Rick Perry provides the evening’s grand finale by launching into a dark and chilling speech in praise of the elaborate and foolproof legal process involved in executing convicted felons in Texas, especially those with mental disabilities. Perry’s “Don’t Mess with Texas or You’ll be Executed” comment appears one hour later as the official slogan for the Texas State Bureau of Tourism.

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.