Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Rupert Murdoch Says Woman in Hacked Nude Photos is Not Scarlett Johansson

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- According to entertainment sources, Scarlett Johansson has contacted the FBI to investigate naked pictures of her leaked Wednesday to BuzzFeed, a popular viral media site. The 26-year-old actress was also listed among more than 50 celebrities whose email accounts and smartphones had been hacked by paparazzi looking for dirt. The distorted photos posted Wednesday show a woman who appears to be Johansson, taking iPhone pictures of her bare backside and breasts. Agents at the FBI, however, said they won’t prioritizing this particular complaint: “In the case of Ms. Johansson, our offices understand that nearly every male over the age of 20 in Hollywood has seen her naked in hotel rooms, elevators, lounges, cars, dog walking parks, Kinkos, gas stations, sporting events, churches, ice cream socials, the DMV, you name it. The public distribution of these images should be a non-issue. But we are still looking into the criminal aspect of the trespass.”

Despite Johansson’s condemnation of the leak, a poster on BuzzFeed cast additional doubt over the alleged hacking by noting, “I spent more time than is probably healthy trying to figure out if these are legit. ...Call me skeptical but gifts like this don’t just fall out of the sky.” Others in the media agreed.

News magnate Rupert Murdoch told the press, “Personally, I don’t believe they’re legitimate at all. No one at News International has ever come across nude photos of Ms. Johansson.”

(c) 2011. All stories are works of satire and parody. See disclaimers.