Friday, September 30, 2011

Chris Christie’s Big Problems: Too Fat to Run and Too Fat to Run for President

TRENTON, N.J. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Much has been made in the news about the current batch of 2012 Republican candidates, all squaring off against one another, gaining and losing ground, hating gays and immigrants, loving God and Reagan, and leaving America’s uninsured to die on the streets, a campaign promise that has met with thunderclaps of eerie applause. Conservatism is all the rage, and being able swing farther to the right than one’s opponents -- with a greater level of rage -- is a tactic famously endorsed by Richard Nixon himself. Yet even with his conservative credentials under close scrutiny, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has received a groundswell of support from like-minded conservatives who have urged him to enter the race. But Christie seems reluctant. Asked whether he will run, Gov. Christie offered an interesting response. Citing the example of Ronald Reagan, he stated: “I know, without ever having met President Reagan, that he must have felt deeply in his heart that he was called to that moment, to lead our country. But what I feel in my heart right now is primarily suffocating plaque and too much cholesterol. They want me to run the country? I can’t even run a lap around my sofa. So, as with Reagan, my decision depends on God.” What Christie can run, his nervous challengers say, is his “big, fat mouth. And that’s important at this stage in the game.”

Though Christie’s weight has been mentioned countless times in the media, political strategists say it will become a legitimate issue for Christie should he enter the fray. “Even worse,” one aide said, “it might bring focus back on the need for health care. That’s a Republican deal killer.”

Run, Christie, Run
In terms of popularity, a key consideration when deciding to run for public office, Christie has more admirers than many of his peers who are already actively campaigning. But analysts say popular opinion and strong polling aren’t enough.

“Unlike the frontrunners, Christie doesn’t have the deep pockets or bloated coffers that someone like Mitt Romney enjoys,” explained progressive pundit Ferrel Michaels. “Christie’s pockets at this point are a little too tight to provide the same level of depth, and his bloat has taken shape in other areas. It’s going to be an uphill battle, and of all of the people currently on the stage, Chris Christie seems the most likely to give out a quarter way up that hill. Or any hill, for that matter.”

Still, Christie’s brash approach to speaking about issues has endeared him to an evergrowing base of prospective voters.

Robert Pheeyew, a New Jersey native, said he appreciates Christie’s “tell it like it is” style and will vote for the governor unquestioningly.

“Chris Christie knows how get s**t done,” Pheeyew opined. “He doesn’t pull any punches. When that heckler in California attacked Meg Whitman, Christie shouted his dumb ass down, telling him that loud mouths like him are the ones dividing the country. When Hurricane Irene came barrelling down the coast and everybody was panicking, Christie said, ‘Get the hell off the beach!’ Who knows how many lives he saved that day, most of ‘em probably Democrats? We need this man as president.”

Others have praised Christie’s innovative and unorthodox methods of governance. When the YouTube video of a bawling four-year-old named Jesse went viral, Christie took the boy’s frustrations of not being able to run for governor seriously and made him governor for a day. Christie even appointed Jesse’s brother lieutenant governor. Most people in the state claim the government ran more efficiently that day than it ever had before in their lifetimes.

Is America Ready for a Second Fat President?
Weighing in at a biscuit shy of 332 pounds, William Howard Taft was the fattest president in U.S. history. He was the only president to administer the oath of office to another sitting president, and the only Chief Justice to serve with associate justices whom he had appointed to the court. He was also the only president to get stuck in his bathtub, which required the efforts of professional roustabouts and animal trainers from the Barnum and Bailey Circus to extricate him. He was given the nickname “Big Lub” because of his size.

But serving as the second fattest president in history has less to do with Christie’s trepidation than drawing the inevitable comparisons to Taft.

Ferrel Michaels said, “Taft enacted the Sixteenth Amendment, which imposed federal taxes on corporations. He worked tirelessly to bust monopolies and bolster consumer rights. He firmly supported the Fifteenth Amendment, which guaranteed black Americans the right to vote. He was also a man of ambiguous religious convictions, who instead embraced the rule of law and the scientific method. Being an equally large man, some voters and Christie’s opponents will naturally begin drawing parallels between him and Taft. That could ultimately ruin his career.”

Will Losing Weight Lose the Election?
It’s apparent to everyone in Christie’s inner circle that the politician is struggling with the gravity of his situation.

“He can chew the fat with the best of them, but he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders,” Rick Santorum told reporters. “It’s evident in all the speeches he’s been toying with.”

Santorum then leaked what he alleged were Christie’s attempts at preparing early drafts of remarks to be used in debates:

Unlike my colleagues, I’m no fat cat politician. I’m just fat. And it’s people like Herman Cain who made me this way. Don’t vote for him. I’m a good old fashioned Jersey boy. I’m just like most Americans these days. Well, at least 34 percent of them. I understand their issues. But deep down, I’m still the same kid from Newark. I like Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. I like Snooki. I beat up the beat. I think Tony Soprano was a wuss for seeing a shrink. And I listen to Journey, not pansy ass bands from San Francisco.

Analysts dispute the authenticity of the document, but obesity continues to overshadow Christie’s potential candidacy. He told CNN’s Piers Morgan, “I’m really struggling, been struggling for a long time with it. And I know that it would be better for my kids if I got it more under control, and so I do feel a sense of guilt at times about that.”

To the delight of his supporters, however, Christie refuses to take care of his problem.

“That would be throwing in the towel,” Robert Pheeyew said. “Even though he’s eligible for tax payer funded health care as a public official, he refuses to take it. He’d rather stay fat and die of diabetes than give in to all the Nazi Obamacare crap. Obama had health issues too with his eight pack-a-day smoking habit. But he’s clean now, and we bankrolled that. No, Christie’s our man. He’d die on the street rather than ask me to pay for his insulin. I admire that.”

Conservative political insiders also worries about the exercise fad sweeping the country and its links to homosexuality and deviant bedroom behavior.

“If Chris Christie starts showing up on the treadmill, it becomes a tacit endorsement for gays. You know who you see at the gym every day, at the Y? Gays. They even wrote a song about it,” added an election strategist who formerly worked with Bob Allen (R-Fla.). “Exposing our kids to health clubs is no different than sending them away to a gay summer camp or Eric Massa’s house. What happens if voters suddenly find Chris exercising with gizmos like the Free Flexor? It’s sorta like the Shake Weight. It’s this thick shaft with two giant balls attached to it. And with both hands you grab this thing, which looks like it came off a donkey, and shake the bejeezus out of it. I don’t even want to tell you what it looks like, but it should never be done in front of other people. Christie’s already stomping across thin ice with his moderate stance. If he can’t find a way to quit running through the streets of Little Italy and gobbling up pizzas like dots on a Pac-Man game, he should stay fat. America’s fine with an unhealthy president whose heart could stop at any moment. We kept Cheney in office for eight years.”

(c) 2011. See disclaimers.

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